boy with blonde hair
girl in mini skirt
men who love men
women who defy

busy market
lonely mill
khap panchayat
supreme court

colonial laws
draconian views
unless you conform
atrocities continue

dare you speak
if you’re weak
“not enough numbers”
“not many members”

largest democracy
highest hypocrisy

Dedicated to Nido Tania, a 20 year old student from Arunachal Pradesh, India who died after being harassed and beaten up for his “blonde hair” at a market place in Delhi, India

Image: Justice for Nido Tania FB page

You oppose:

The Indian government decriminalizing consensual sexual acts between adults in private

Why?

• It will lead to pedophilia – Read what you are opposing (Keyword: Adults)

• It will lead to bestiality – Read what you are opposing again (Keyword: Consensual -Animals do not have the capacity to consent to humans for sex)

• It is against religion – We hate to do this, but read what you are opposing one more time (Keywords: Indian government. Secular. Not a church, temple, gurudwara or a mosque)

• It is a western import – now, we have to ask you to read the extensive scholarship on sexual and gender diversity in Indian mythology. I know we are asking too much. Just look at the picture.

• It is against Indian culture – Indian culture is all about tolerance and inclusiveness. We celebrate all forms of diversity, including diversity of intellect – You and us!

• It is unnatural – you shouldn’t be reading this in the first place. Computers weren’t found in nature either. Log off . Right now! And never log on again. Not even for porn. (PS: Homosexuality is natural and found in hundreds of species)

We love our cousins. The relationship we share with them is unique and special. They are our friends within the family. That is why it is important for cousins to support one another. Here are 6 things straight cousins can do to support their queer* cousins

[*Queer – An all inclusive term for Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Transgenders, Intersex, Questioning people]

1) Show them you care: Coming out is a difficult and stressful process for a queer person. If and when your cousin comes out to you, be supportive. Show your cousin that nothing has changed between you. In your mind that could very well be the case, but it is important to communicate your support clearly and explicitly. Pay attention to their life and get involved. Don’t avoid talking about their issues and struggles, both personal and political, just because they are not relevant to you.

Here is an example:  When India decriminalized homosexuality in 2009, I was excited beyond words and posted the news on social media, saying that was the best day of my life. I got zero likes from my extended family. Nobody cared. On the same day one of my cousins posted that he got tickets to the next AR Rahman concert. He got 23 likes and several “Awesome!”, “Congrats” comments. Do you get the picture?

2) Talk to their parents: Ask your queer cousin if they would like you to talk to their parents. Being a family member, your perspective is unique and will have a greater impact on your cousin’s parents (sometimes even more than friends, counsellors and psychiatrists). Tell them you love your cousin for who they are. Tell them your cousin’s sexuality or gender identity is not something the parent should worry about. Tell them you have your cousin’s back and also theirs. Most often, the main concern for parents of queer children is how family members will react to the news. Needless to say, your assurance and support will go a long way.

3) Talk to your parents: This is something only you can do. If your cousin doesn’t want to be outed to the extended family, you can still talk to your parents in generic terms. Ask your parents how they would react if they come to know about a queer person in the extended family. Educate them about queer issues and prepare them. If everybody is in agreement, you can even facilitate a discussion among your parents, your cousin and/or their parents. After all, that is what families do: be there for each other and help each other to face challenges in life.

4) Step in and stop the “marriage harassment”: It is very common for aunties and uncles in Indian families to constantly harass young, unmarried people about marriage (I know they mean well, blah, blah, blah). Weddings, funerals, temples, supermarkets, crowded train stations, bathrooms, beauty parlours, gyms, no place or time is off limits when it comes to this. Aunties and uncles are relentless. If you see your queer cousin (for that matter, any single cousin) being harassed, say something. Often they struggle to defend themselves and your help will be very much appreciated. Tell the aunty (or uncle) politely but firmly that marriage is a personal matter and it is not appropriate to constantly ask someone when they are getting married or offer them a laundry list of eligible candidates. PS: Sometimes that aunty could be your mom, but remember to do the right thing

5) Be an ally: Don’t hesitate to call out homophobia, biphobia or transphobia within your extended family. Be it family get togethers, weddings or dinner parties, if you witness phobic comments or actions, confront them head on. Tell the family member that it is not okay to make such comments or act that way. Don’t wait for your queer cousin to say something, even if they are out to the family. Your words, as a straight ally, usually carries more weight.

6) Lead by example: Show in actions that you love your cousin for who they are. Send a clear message to your extended family that the queer cousin can’t be treated differently than the straight ones. If your cousin is married or dating someone, invite their spouse or date to family occasions. Treat them like you treat the significant others of your straight cousins. If your cousin is transgender, respect their gender identity, use correct pronouns and send a message to the family that you wholeheartedly support your cousin. Before you know, others will follow.

Note: All of the above are also applicable to siblings.

Are you a supportive cousin or sibling? Or are you a queer person who has one? We would love to hear fro you. Share your story with us using the comment box below.

that is the first thing they notice about her
probably the only thing
it doesn’t matter who they are
strangers on public transit, clients at work
the man at the grocery store, the lady in the flower shop

that is the first thing they notice about her
probably the only thing
it doesn’t matter where she is
at work, at movies, at a friend’s wedding
in a coffee shop or a crowded elevator

that is the first thing they notice about her
probably the only thing
it doesn’t matter what she is doing
walking, eating, speaking, listening
even if she is helping them

that is the first thing they notice about her
probably the only thing
a woman at the local Desi store, a complete stranger,
once offered her some unsolicited advice with a friendly smile
“use turmeric powder, when you shower. I did.”
“I can tell,” she smiled back, “you could have had a beautiful mustache like me.”

“Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It’s like having a little pet for your face.” — Anita Wise.

This heartbreaking story has outraged people everywhere. Protests, condolence meetings and vigils are being held in many places around the world, including Ireland and Savita’s home country India. Life-saving medical care was refused to Savita because doctors were constrained by an Irish law that prohibits abortion in the name of religion. Most often, individuals, groups and institutions that advocate anti-abortion laws that refuse women the right to make decisions about their own bodies use religion as their weapon. This oppression based on religion and its influence in health-care is very familiar to LGBT people. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people are often subjected to harmful and unscientific conversion therapies because same-sex attraction is considered a sin in many religions. Religious beliefs also hinder in providing crucial and required medical procedures like sex-reassignment surgeries to transgender people. LGBT people face the same religious bigotry that women face or once faced in many parts of the world. We are discriminated against, treated inhumanely and denied equal rights in the name of religion. We are criminalized, harassed, terrorized and executed in many parts of the world because people believe such practices are justified by their religions or cultures. Historically, LGBT people have joined hands in fighting for women’s rights, because the fights of LGBT people and women are in many ways the same: the fight against patriarchy and the fight to end gender-based discrimination and the fight for gender equality and fairness.

The tragedy of Savita Halappanavar has triggered discussions on women’s reproductive rights across the world. But in India many don’t feel the need for such discussion since abortion is legal in India. However, the legality of abortion is not the only issue at stake. In both rural and urban India, women face many challenges when it comes to their sexual and reproductive freedom and rights, starting from a say in when to have babies (or for that matter, when to have sex). In many marriages, men make most, if not all, decisions in the bedroom, as they do in all places. A woman who initiates sex or expresses her sexual needs is often looked down upon by her husband. There is still this notion even among educated Indian men that a horny woman is a “bad” or “dirty” woman and a “good” one is supposed be quiet and submissive in the bedroom. This notion sometimes even leads to marital rape. Then there is the issue of contraception and family planning. From taking pills to dealing with its side effects, the burden of contraception is most often imposed on women, as men consider it a “woman’s job”. They don’t feel the need to share it, even if it is just a matter of putting on a condom. Though the responsibility is with women, the control still remains with men. In most families, men decide when to have kids. A married woman who wants to delay pregnancy for any reason is condemned by everyone in society including her own parents. And, if the reason were to be her career, then she is almost considered cruel or evil. Once pregnant, especially in rural India, women are also held responsible for the sex of the baby. Not so surprisingly, a girl child is considered bad luck and a burden. Sometimes husbands even disown their wives for giving birth to a girl child, ignoring the scientific fact that the sperm decides the sex of the baby. In some parts of India, female gendercide is also a horrific reality.

When it comes to single women, the views are even more unevolved. Single women who engage in sex are labeled as “sluts” and “whores”. Though pre-marital sex is not looked upon favorably for men either, women always get the worst of the condemnation. South Indian actress Kushboo was condemned, harassed and sued because she dared to make a comment about premarital sex in the context of sexual health. Her comments were considered derogatory and obscene to “Indian culture” and it took the Supreme court of India’s intervention to end the controversy and harassment.

For young girls who don’t engage in sex, things are not that easy either. Menstruation is still considered dirty and disgusting in many parts of India. Women are denied basic amenities in their households (access to shower, bedrooms and places used by others) when they are menstruating. In “those three days”, some women are not even allowed to go about their day to day business as they would like. Though for married women and mothers, this might mean a relief from their daily chores and errands, the disgust about menstruation is something that makes them feel inferior and shameful. Young girls are not allowed to go to schools, play with their friends and are forced to remain in a corner, in their own homes. The irony here is the first period of a girl is a reason to celebrate in many Indian communities. The family throws a party, invites friends and neighbors and the young girl is showered with gifts and jewellery. This “coming of age” party, thrown without the girl’s consent, served as a notice to the community that the girl is ready for marriage, in ancient and medieval india. Though modern India is slowly getting rid of this practice and also the taboo about menstruation, it is important to note that these things still happen in some Indian communities.

Many Indians are sad and outraged by what happened in Ireland. They shed tears for Savita Halappanavar but at the same time breath a sigh of relief: “This will never happen in India”. While that is partly true, let us not dismiss the struggles of the many Savitas living here and the sexism and discrimination they face everyday. Let us not sweep their issues under the carpet in the name of culture, customs, traditions or religion like we always do. That attitude is what killed Savita Halappanavar. When it comes to women’s sexual and reproductive freedom and rights, we have a lot of work to do in India. It begins by acknowledging that these issues exist.

Recommended Reading: Abortion in India Wiki page

Oh beloved son!
I, your mother, have something to ask
Carrying you in my womb was no easy task
I ask not for the sun or the moon
I, your mother, seek a simple boon

Don’t tell your father who you really are
Your aunt shouldn’t know whom you long for
Hide from your uncle that you have a man in your life
Let your brother-in-law not know, your in-laws are not from a wife

I don’t want the world to find out my son is queer
I can’t deal with the ridicule, hate and fear
Don’t put your father through this ordeal by fire
It took all of our lives and struggles to reach here

Oh, beloved son!
I, your mother, have something to ask
Carrying you in my womb was no easy task
I ask not for the sun or the moon
A dutiful son will not deny a mother her boon

—
But, oh mother!
Even Kaikeyi’s boon was only for fourteen years exile
But what you ask of me is a lifetime of lies so vile!

Transcreated from the Tamil original by the author with input from Kinsey3 and Tilak.

Years later, Draupadi married the five Pandava brothers, sons of the Pandu, king of Hastinapura. The Pandavas lost themselves and their queen Draupadi in gambling to their cousins, the Kauravas, 100 brothers who were sons of Dhritarashtra, the king of Hastinapur and Pandu’s successor. The eldest of the Kauravas, Duryodhana ordered his younger brother Dusshasana to disrobe Draupadi in the assembly hall. The entire royal assembly of Hastinapura including King Dhritarashtra and other elders watched helplessly as Dusshasana tried to disrobe Draupadi. Draupadi pleaded to Krishna for help and Lord Krishna indefinitely extended Draupadi’s saree and protected her honor. Thus the small string of silk she tied to stop Krishna’s bleeding protected her honor at the most desperate time. From that day, Hindus started celebrating Raksha Bandhan, a day when brothers take vows to protect their sisters. Indian women have made significant progress since the time of the mythical Draupadi, but the more things change, the more they stay the same. There are thousands of modern day Dusshasanas all over India. Violence against women, both within the home and in public, is on the rise. Women are groped, molested and sexually and physically assaulted in public places, including buses, trains, sidewalks, bars, clubs and pubs. Countless incidents of rape and molestation have been reported in the past few years. Take a look at the staggering statistics tracked by Map4aid here.

One incident that shook the entire country happened recently in Guwahati. On July 12 2012, a young girl was molested, stripped and physically attacked by an unruly mob of twenty men outside a pub. Onlookers not only watched the horrific incident like the king of Hastinapur, Dhritarashtra, but eventually joined the mob. All of this was recorded on video by a local TV news reporter. Some of the molesters proudly posed for the camera, which speaks volumes about the ineffective and inefficient law enforcement system in India. The Assam government came under extreme criticism for failing to arrest the molesters and the incident caused national outrage. A few days after that incident, on July 25th, a 19-year-old girl was pushed out of a moving train in Karnataka by four men who tried to molest her [Another horrific incident happened in Mangalore between the time I started writing this and now]. And these are the incidents that get reported. Violence against Dalit women; lesbian, bisexual and transgender women; and violence in the name of community honour are grim realities in many of our lives; all acutely under-reported. Looking at the state of the country, isn’t it hypocritical of Indian men to celebrate Raksha Bandhan on one hand and perpetuate violence against women on the other? What happened to the vows they made all these years? I guess they never really meant it. I bet the Rakhi-tying ceremony, taking a vow to protect their sisters and all, are just attempts to make them feel macho and superior, nothing more. Festivals like this are another sexist attempt by the patriarchal Indian society to condition its men and women to believe that women are weaker elements of the society that need protection from men. Have you ever heard of a ceremony where a sister vows to protect her brother? If you think about it, the whole concept is fundamentally flawed. In a fair and equal society, why would women need men’s protection or vice-versa? Men love to think that women are beneath them; that they are vulnerable commodities that need protection. This also leads to the notion that any woman who is “unprotected” is everyone’s game. Single women in India (unmarried, divorced and widowed women) are constantly criticized, condemned, disrespected and harassed, even in the 21st century. Remember the Akeli ladki Khuli tijori scene from the movie, Jab We Met? We need more women like Geet to stand up to such attitude and behavior. There is no need for Raksha (Protection). All we need from men is respect. Respect for women, whether straight or queer, cis or trans, regardless of community, class, caste or religion. Respect for women’s rights and freedom. Respect for women’s choices and decisions. Respect for women’s spaces and right to exist with dignity and as equals in life’s journey. No “Raksha” Bandhan this year. Let’s start a bond of mutual respect – A respect bandhan!

A modified version of this post appeared in West Windsor & Plainsboro News (Newspaper from Dharun Ravi’s hometown)

The defense in the Rutgers webcam trial began this Friday, March 09, 2012. Dharun Ravi, a college student in New Jersey, has been charged with 15 counts, including invasion of privacy and bias intimidation, for allegedly watching and surreptitiously webcasting his roommate Tyler Clementi’s sexual encounter with an other man. Clementi subsequently jumped off the George Washington bridge to his death. If convicted, Dharun Ravi faces up to ten years in prison and the threat of deportation.

The defense team presented seven character witnesses who testified that Dharun Ravi never said anything derogatory about gay people or homosexuality. These witnesses – Anil Kappa, Sandeep Sharma, Rajesh Rathinasabapathi, Ramkumar Pandurangan, Girish Warrier, Karthikeyan Arunachalam and Murugan Gnanavel – were all South Asian men, friends and business associates of Dharun’s father Ravi Pazhani.

When the defense lawyer asked the witnesses if they had ever heard Dharun Ravi speak ill of gay people, they all had the same answer: No.

The defense team hoped these seven character witnesses would help prove that Dharun Ravi was not biased against gay people and therefore not guilty of the bias intimidation charges.

Prosecution attorney Julia McClure cross examined these witnesses with a very simple question. “Did the topic of homosexuality ever come up in your discussions with Dharun Ravi?”

All the seven men, again had the same answer: No.

I am a South Asian Indian living in New Jersey. In more ways than one, my background is similar to Ravi Pazhani, Dharun’s father. I grew up in the same state (Tamil Nadu) and speak the same language as Ravi Pazhani. Like Ravi Pazhani, I also work in Information Technology and moved to the United States for work. Coincidentally until last year, I lived in the same town (Plainsboro) as Ravi Pazhani. Interestingly, I also share a similarity with Tyler Clementi. I am gay.

I know I am guessing here, but if Ravi Pazhani, the father, were to testify, his answer would be the same as that of his seven friends. “No. We never discussed homosexuality within our families.” Watching the trial, I couldn’t help but wish Dharun had actually had a chance to talk about homosexuality with his father. I can’t help but wonder if sex and sexuality weren’t a taboo in Indian culture, if Dharun would be sitting in the court room accused of violating his roommate’s privacy?

Ravi Pazhani comes from a country that has a population of more than one billion. A country that gifted the KamaSutra to the rest of the world, but where it is very common for people to act like the word “sex” doesn’t exist. Forget about homosexuality: even heterosexuality is never discussed in living rooms or at dinner tables. Until puberty, Indian kids are told the “god drops baby into mummy’s tummy” story and after that it suddenly becomes a topic that should never be discussed. It is then up to the individuals to figure out human sexuality and its complexities. The birds and the bees conversation rarely happens in the family, except during veiled references by mothers to their daughters who are entering puberty.

Sex is a dirty word that also never gets discussed in schools. I remember, in our Class X biology book, the last lesson was on human reproductive organs. But that lesson was never taught in the class and it was an unspoken agreement between students, teachers and the education department that no questions will be asked from that lesson in board exams. My friend, who came to the US recently to work as a teacher, was completely horrified that she, as a science teacher was expected to teach her students about sex and sexual organs.

So where do children and adolescents in India turn for information on sex and sexuality? Their peers and friends in schools and colleges, who are equally as clueless as them. Growing up as teenager with same-sex attraction, in the 1990s, in a non-metro town in Tamil Nadu, I believed I was the only boy in the entire universe who was attracted to other boys. I did not know the words ‘homosexuality’ or ‘gay’ or its non-derogatory Tamil equivalents until I got access to the Internet in my early twenties. When my friends talked about girls, I thought there was something terribly wrong with me and if I did not become “normal” by a certain age, I was better off killing myself than living with this “disease” of same-sex attraction.

I was twenty eight when I came out to my parents. My parents asked me this: “If you had these feelings since you were a teenager, why didn’t you ever tell us?”

It was such a loaded question! On one hand, they were upset that I had to go through this all alone, but on the other hand they also wanted to verify whether I really had same-sex attraction as a teenager or if it was a more recent phenomenon, a bad western influence (a year before I came out to them I had moved to the UK for my job).

I couldn’t help but break into tears when I heard that question over the phone, from my parents. For years I suffered alone dealing with my sexuality. I had absolutely no support, no help, no one with whom I could talk. It was traumatic! I tried my best to tell my parents but never mustered the courage. In India, as a teenager you can never talk about your attraction, romance or love with your parents or other senior members in the family, even if it was for the opposite sex. Then how on the earth, I could tell my parents that I was attracted to other boys? I didn’t.

Following India’s economic liberalization policies of the early 1990s, there has been increased media-driven circulation of information and discourse on the subject of homosexuality. Many Indians mistake the increasing visibility of homosexuality for an increase in the prevalence of homosexuality itself, and blame the latter on ‘Western influence’. To the contrary, India, before British colonialism, was a sexually liberal country. Homosexuality and transgender behavior have existed for centuries in Indian culture and Hindu mythology, and there is substantial body of scholarship on these topics. Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code that criminalizes same-sex behavior, failing to distinguish between consensual and non-consensual acts, was introduced by Lord Macaulay during the British era. On July 2009, the Delhi High Court, in its historic ruling, read down Section 377, thereby decriminalizing adult consensual homosexual behavior in India. The Supreme Court of India is currently hearing appeals of the Delhi High Court’s judgment. At the hearings, India’s Additional Solicitor General (ASG), P.P. Malhotra, representing the Indian government, told the Supreme Court that he did not doesn’t know any homosexuals. As if the ASG’s statement were not outrageous enough, the health minister of the world’s largest democracy called homosexuality a disease and a Western influence.

I was discussing homophobia among Indians, with a straight Indian coworker of mine, and what she said made sense to me. “See Indians don’t want to talk about sex. We don’t want to deal with it openly. For centuries we managed to sweep it under the carpet and keep it all hush hush. The Naz Foundation case on sec 377 and the discussions about homosexuality, now forces us to confront our unwillingness to talk about sex. We are forced to talk about what is between our legs and how we use it. The ‘God drops baby into mummy’s tummy’ explanation is not enough anymore. We have to admit that sex is not just for procreation, and it it is an expression of love and lust. We don’t want to go there. That is why all these desperate attempts to brand homosexuality as unnatural and a Western influence.”

Indian and other South Asian communities in the US, of which Ravi Pazhani and I are now a part, are largely either ignorant of homosexuality, or homophobic. For many Indians in the US, homosexuality is something that happens only among Americans. Compared to people in India, Indians living abroad also feel additional pressure to follow their ‘culture’. Unfortunately, disliking and condemning Western values, means they cling to their own limited perceptions of what ‘Indian culture’ is. These perceptions are especially strong among those who emigrated from India in the 1970s or earlier, when there was even less discourse around homosexuality in Indian media. In my five years in the United States, I have met a lot of American born Desis (Indian Americans), who find it unbelievable that I and many other young Indians who grew up in India are out to our parents. Some of these Indian-American youth find it more difficult to come out to their parents than some of us who grew up in India do.

I don’t know if Ravi Pazhani, the father, was homophobic, but he grew up in a India that considers sex a taboo subject and associates homosexuality with shame. Dharun, on the other hand, grew up in the United States, a relatively sexually liberal country. Discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation have no place in New Jersey’s public schools and universities. The state also has one of the strictest laws in the United States against hate crimes. A bias intimidation conviction can carry up to 10 years in prison in New Jersey.

According to Ian Parker’s report in the New Yorker, Dharun wrote the following to his friend Tam, about his roommate’s sexuality “I still don’t really care, except what my parents are going to say. My dad is going to throw him out the window.” Is this likely to have been true? Was Dharun’s father, Ravi, indeed homophobic? If so, was it because of his ignorance and that he thought homosexuality was a bad Western influence? How much of Dharun’s perceptions of homosexuality arose from needing to conform to his family and cultural expectations, compared to what he actually felt about gay people?

If the father was not homophobic, then why did Dharun assume he was? Was it because, like many other South Asian families, his family ignored topics of sex and sexuality, giving an impression that any sexual act or expression, outside marriage, was an aberration, a condemnable act?

Ravi Pazhani and Dharun Ravi grew up in two different worlds. Sex, sexuality and the politics around them are completely different in these worlds. This is true for many first-generation Americans: their worlds inside and outside their homes are drastically different. If Ravi had acknowledged this difference, and as a parent taken the time to help his son navigate the two worlds, would things have turned out differently? If homosexuality is yet another cultural conflict between Indian-American youth and their parents, what can we do to confront it?

And, back in India, what can we do to make Additional Solicitor General P.P. Malhotra and others of his ilk realize that homosexuality is an intrinsic part of our diverse Indian cultures, and that invisibility and silences do not mean absence?

I have more questions than answers.

Note:  The author hopes to initiate open discussions within the South Asian community on the topics of gender and sexuality. This is not an attempt to pitch Indian conservatism against American openness.

Background: This article refers to Dharun Ravi’s trial in the Tyler Clementi Webcam spying case. For more background on this case, please refer to Vikram’s post and the New Yorker article he cites.

Update: March 16, 2012. Dharun Ravi was found guilty on all major counts in the NJ vs Dharun Ravi case. Dharun was convicted on all 15 counts against him, including four bias intimidation counts, but acquitted on some of the bias charges involving his former roommate, Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old freshman. Read more at: Dharun Ravi found Guilty on most counts

As you all know, the Supreme Court of India is currently hearing appeals against the Delhi High Court 377 verdict that decriminalized homosexuality in India.

Homosexuality is all over the news in India, once again. The national media is watching the trial closely. They are publishing articles, writing editorials, and conducting interviews around the issues of homosexuality and Sec 377. I am flooded with links to these stories from my friends, social networking sites, mailing lists and tweets from @BombayDost, @ChennaiPride, and other sources.

Every time I click a link, I tell myself “Don’t! Don’t look at the comments”. But I can’t help it. I read most of the comments and, at times, respond to some of them.

One would be naive to expect a civil discourse on Internet forums. People who post comments on these forums mostly don’t want to hear what others have to say. They don’t want a discussion and don’t want to hear different opinions. They don’t want to listen to facts. They just want to condemn things, ideas and people they don’t like or they don’t agree with. For them it is yet another platform to release their stress, vent out their anger and spread hate. When it comes to homosexuality, there is no scarcity of hate. It keeps on coming!

The funny thing is most of these hate mongers don’t know anything about homosexuality! They have never directly interacted with a person from the LGBT community: this is obvious from their comments. This, however,  does not stop them from pronouncing judgement on the LGBT communities and accusing us, especially gay men, of a laundry list of wrong-doings. When one posts responses based on facts, personal experiences, and evidence, they get even more furious!

Instead of responding to the hate mongers individually, I thought I would write a post here.

Gays are charged with so many things. But are we guilty?

Allegation: Gays convert other people (including children) to homosexuality:

I have been out as gay to parents, family and friends for six years now, and have known I was gay since I was a teenager. I have never attempted to convert a straight person – man, woman or a child – to homosexuality. But, believe me when I say this, every other straight person to whom I came out, including my parents, family and close friends have tried to make me straight!

“It is just a phase.”
“How do you know you are gay, if you have never slept with a woman? Try it!”
“Let’s go to a psychiatrist. I am sure they can make you straight.”
“Just get married.You will be fine.”

I have never said “Try it” to a straight person. It is the mostly the ‘other side’ that is guilty of the conversion attempts, not the gays.

Allegation: Gays are against family values:

I love my family. I always have. I have been a dutiful son and a caring brother all my life. I have stood by my family through thick and thin. After I came out, nothing changed from my end. But from my family’s perspective, I was not the same son, brother or cousin anymore. Some in my family have stopped talking to me, some talk to me, but completely ignore the fact that I am gay, some have conditions to maintain a relationship with me (“as long as you don’t talk about your sexuality, or your relationship” etc.). There are so many permutations and combinations, honestly I have to maintain a list of what I can talk about with each family member.

This is true for many in the LGBT community. Many of us are disowned, ignored, ostracized and condemned by our own families because of who we are. So, if family and family values are all about unconditional love, being there for each other, supporting through thick and thin, are the gays guilty? You decide!

Allegation: Gays spread HIV/AIDS:

This is simple. HIV/AIDS and other Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) spread because of unprotected sex. Gender, race, sexuality are all irrelevant. This is a scientific fact! You try explaining this to the hate mongers, they simply won’t listen. They keep on flogging a dead horse. I mean, how difficult it is for someone to understand this? Really?

True, there are certain high-risk groups. For example, in the US the African American community is considered a high-risk group, but that doesn’t mean if you are black, you will be infected with HIV/AIDS. In the same way gays are one of the high-risk groups. That’s it. And how on the earth is stigmatizing a high-risk group is going to help any of us?

For the record, 85% of HIV transmission in India is from men to women and vice-versa.

Allegation: Gays are sick. Homosexuality is a disease:

APA, WHO and many leading mental health professionals in India don’t think so! But that is simply not enough for these self proclaimed scientists and doctors. “Mental disorder”, “Hormonal malfunction”, “Psychological problem” – hate mongers come up with different terms to brand gay people as sick. Ignorance is bliss! Isn’t it?

A friend of mine was taken by his parents to a psychologist, when he came out as gay. The parents thought homosexuality was a disease and their son needed to be cured. They were hoping the doctor would prescribe medicines and treatments and cure their son. Guess what? The doctor did prescribe a treatment, not for the son, but for the parents. He asked the parents to attend parents counselling. The counsellor explained to the parents about human sexuality and how homosexuality is a difference not a disease. It took several sessions, but the parents finally came to understand the truth and accepted their son for who he is.

The fact is homophobia is sick, not homosexuality.

Still not convinced? Well, if you think you know better than Narayana Reddy, Vijay Nagaswami, KS Jacob and others, who am I to burst your bubble?

Do you have something to say to the hate mongers? Please feel free to post a comment here.

நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்! – ஸ்ரீதர் சதாசிவன்

‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே என்னிடம் நீ சொல்ல நினைக்கும் பொழுது, நன்கு யோசித்துச் சொல்! நாவளவில் சொல்லாதே!
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய், திருநங்கை என்றே நம்பமுடியவில்லை’ – என்ற எண்ணத்துடன் சொல்லாதே, நான் அழகாய் இருக்கிறேன் என்று!
‘நீ அழகாய் தானே இருக்கிறாய், எதற்காக உன் உடலை மாற்ற வேண்டும்?’ – என்ற நிபந்தனையுடன் சொல்லாதே, நான் அழகாய் இருக்கிறேன் என்று!

‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ என்று சொன்னவுடன் அதை நான் நம்புவேன் என்ற எதிர்ப்பார்ப்புடன் சொல்லாதே, நான் அழகாய் இருக்கிறேன் என்று!
நம்பமாட்டேன், நம்பமுடியாது, என்னால். என் உடல், என் உருவம், என் குரல் என்று எல்லாம் அருவெறுக்க வைக்கிறது என்று என்னிடம் தினம் சொல்பவர்கள் ஏராளம்!
பரவாயில்லை. இருந்தாலும் எனக்கு வேண்டாம்,  ‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ என்ற வெறும் உன் உதட்டளவு தாராளம்.

‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே என்னிடம் நீ சொல்ல நினைக்கும் பொழுது, நன்கு யோசித்துச் சொல்! உதட்டளவில் சொல்லாதே!  உண்மையெனில் சொல். உள்ளம் உணர்ந்து சொல். –‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே என்னிடம் நீ சொல்.
‘நன்றி’ என்று முகம்மலர என்னால் ஏற்றுக்கொள்ள முடியும் என்று நினைக்கிறன்
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று நீ சொன்னாலும், என்னால் பல சமயங்களில் அதை ஏன் உணர முடிவதில்லை என்று வியக்கிறேன்.

‘நீ இப்பொழுது அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ என்று சொல்லாதே என் நண்பனே, எப்பொழுதும் அழகாய் இருந்திருக்கிறேன், அழகாய் இருப்பேன் என்று சொல்.
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே என்னிடம் நீ சொல்லும் பொழுது, உறுதியுடன் சொல். என்னால் உன் வார்த்தைகளை உதறித் தள்ள முடியாத உறுதியுடன் சொல்.
நாளை நிலைக்கண்ணாடியின் முன் நான் நிர்வாணமாக நிற்கும் பொழுது, என்னால் உன் வார்த்தைகளை உதறித் தள்ள முடியாத உறுதியுடன் சொல். —

‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே, நான் ஆச்சரியப்படும் படி சொல்.
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே, நான் சிறிதும் எதிர்பாராத தருணங்களில் சொல்.
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே, பெண்ணாக உன் பார்வையில் பாஸ்மார்க் வாங்கிவிட்டேன் என்பதால் சொல்லாதே!
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே நான் நானாக இருக்கும் பொழுது சொல்.
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே என்னை முழுமையாக ஏற்றுக் கொண்டு சொல்.
‘நீ அழகாய் இருக்கிறாய்’ – என்று என் நண்பனே என்னிடம் நீ சொல்ல நினைக்கும் பொழுது, நன்கு யோசித்துச் சொல்! உதட்டளவில் சொல்லாதே! உள்ளம் உணர்ந்து சொல்!