JK – you put it so well – I am not Tamilian – but I see some of this even in my extended Multani (Punjabi) side of my family – and beyond. I see it in other Asian families as well. To truly learn compassion, one must first be fearless in seeking and sharing the truth. But so often, we run into censorship – so information and ideas are restricted. We often shoot the truth teller – because sometimes – the truth is not what we want to hear. We build up self-seeking narratives about ourselves and the world and shy away from those who challenge us and bring to us uncomfortable truths.

Of course, this is not to say that knowing the whole truth will automatically make us more compassionate – we may simply lack the courage or goodness to be compassionate.

But posts – such as yours are so refreshing – because they express what is often left unsaid. To unearth buried truths is a great service to humanity at large. Thank you for your brilliant observations.

JK – I totally agree. I too felt that the reaction of Dharun’s family was very self-centred and they just couldn’t bring themselves to show any solidarity for the victims family. Apologies can heal when they are made in a timely fashion, and when they are truly heartfelt. Not only that – it is the only way that the person who did something wrong can begin to heal.

Dharun could have saved himself some suffering if he had not tried to act like he did nothing wrong.

But overall – I see this as a bigger indictment of his parents – and of all similar Indian parents who are small-minded and just want to protect their own narrow interests and won’t try to see the bigger picture.

For many Indians, the idea that normal human beings can have sexual impulses – especially the desire to be sexually intimate with someone of the same gender is just too shocking to be legitimate and worthy of respect.

I suspect that if Dharun had a gay roommate who was in the closet or celibate – he might have found it easier to accept. But if he had a problem with a sexually active gay roommate he could have and should have tried to deal with it in a very different and more healthy way.

I think this should be a powerful lesson for Indians everywhere – if you have a problem with someone’s sexual impulses – deal with it – don’t try to victimize the person who is sexually active.

And I didn’t say it before in my other comments, but thank you Shri for writing that article and prompting that reflective dialogue that needs to happen throughout all South Asian cultures. And for all your work on this site. I’m a huge fan.

In solidarity,
JK

Shri,

I read it already, been following this story. And yeah, it isn’t just Tamilian culture. I’m just speaking to what I know, since I’m Tamilian, and not from another South Asian culture. I don’t think we can proceed from blaming the wider South Asian cultural mileu in terms of fixing these problems – it just smacks of whining that we Tamilians aren’t the ONLY ones who are like this, look at all these other people too!!!! And I think that is really unhelpful. If any South Asian culture wants to reflect on this, it has to start with itself first and then proceed to more broadly shared messages.

I agree with you what you said JK except that this attitude is common in many South Asian communities not just Tamilians. Here is a related post, if you are interested. https://new2.orinam.net/dharun-and-ravi-two-different-worlds/

Before he takes a stand against bullying and homophobia and all that, he needs to take a stand to his enabling family and community, who have coddled and babied him his whole life. I DEPLORE how as Tamilians we raise our children to be THIS blind to empathy and compassion and consequence, trying to protect them from the whole world by cocooning them in family dramatics, suffocating them in that fear of the greater world and calling it love. As a culture, we mistake fear for love, narcissism for love, projective identification for love, misogyny and gender tyranny for love, silence for love. It’s in our movies, it’s in our songs. We should take a hard look at what we are really teaching ourselves. It’s seriously backwards and nauseating.

your room mate is dead and buried. You will soon be reunited with your loving and narrow minded family. While his family will mourn till their dying breath. Your “regret” and “apology” are pitifully inadequate gestures.

I hope you remember Tyler’s romantic interlude which you intruded upon when you take your first girlfriend to bed. Nothing you can ever say or do will ever compensate for what you did to Tyler.

A fellow Indian and a gay man