Neel’s post raised a storm in my head. Trying to settle down my responses and type them in order –

1. There is no universal conclusion on the origin of same-sex desire. Whether we were born gays or chose to be gays is yet a subject of debate and research. I wonder why we don’t debate whether the straight people were born straight or chose to remain so. Let the scientists find out the ‘straight gene’!

2. We join the parade not merely because we are proud to be gays (of course I’m proud to be gay since I consider myself special. There are differences between being abnormal and being special) but more so because we are proud of achieving the courage and confidence to hit the streets wearing our desires on our sleeves. Instead of remaining in the closets – fearing the society’s ‘perceptions’ and succumbing to the internalized homophobia caused by various expressions of such social ‘perceptions’, we are able and empowered enough to assert our rights to be different (not abnormal) – isn’t that an achievement? And didn’t Neel mention that one could be proud of one’s achievements?

3. When we claim that we are normal we mean we are normal and not ‘normal according to social perceptions’. First we need to understand the differences between being normal and subscribing to normativity. Then only we could fight the social conspiracy of imposing its norms on us in the name of normalcy. We are normal since centuries of conspiracies have failed to prove that we are sick physically or psychologically, we are normal since we are existing in all ages in every class of every society, we are normal since our desires are normal – found in all other creatures as their natural instincts. To prove that we are normal we don’t need to satisfy anyone else’s whims or constructed fancies and definitions.

4. Assertion of non-normative sexualities and/ or gender non-conformities is a socio-political struggle and that could have various strategies. But we need to keep in mind that like every other struggle there will be conflicts. The institution of hetero-normative patriarchy and its agents will never leave a single inch of space to us of their sweet will. We have to wrest that out. One good strategy could be, as suggested by Neel, to hit the streets in ‘respectable’ ‘normal’ attires in the most ‘decent’ way and distributing leaflets with a smiling friendly face. Other strategies could be making ourselves visible in everyday lives as individuals, couples, groups to prove that we are responsible, respectable and normal human beings. Organising LGBT events and socio-cultural enterprises to spread awareness and to sensitize are also important strategies. But I sincerely doubt whether even these strategies would have worked with ‘those guys at the Empire’. Thugs will remain thugs and you need to have a separate strategy to deal with them. On one hand start organised straight bashing retorting gay bashings and on the other hand capitalize on the bruises and wounds, lodge complaints with law-enforcement agencies, get the incident documented and mobilise wider protests. If everything is fair in love and war, it is even more fair in the war for the right to love! No doubt its a war and blood will spill. We need to prepare ourselves for that.

“If everything is fair in love and war, it is even more fair in the war for the right to love!”

5. If I am not entirely wrong, Kinsey3 referred to me. Yes, I walk in Kolkata Pride in starched dhoti-kurta singing Rabindrasangeet – not because I want to make the mainstream institution happy. I do that as a well-planned socio-political statement. At the same time I firmly believe the camp, boisterous attires of my friends make equally, if not more, powerful socio-political statements. And believe me, this middle-class, straight-acting, dhoti-clad bhadralok raised the slogan ‘garv se kaho hum gandu hein’ intentionally to give the onlookers a cultural shock and also to reclaim the word stigmatised by the mainstream.

We need to fight all out against all institutionalized oppressions of human right to freedom of choice and self-expression – unabashed, without any compromise and fear.

Statutory disclaimer: The word ‘gay’ has been used here in the loose manner similar to the uneducated milieu, though that meant every LGBTQHIKM . . . and anybody and everybody who is confidently practicing non-normative sexualities and/ or gender non-conformities.

This unfortunate incident just reveals the latent homophobia in society, something which we can choose to ignore at our own peril. Anyone with an ear to the ground will be aware of how exactly gay people are perceived by the rest of our society.

In life, perceptions can count more than facts. You may see yourself as a liberated spirit; society may see you as a lustful pedophile busily engaged in converting young boys to “your filthy gay lifestyle”. This is especially reinforced by the gay community’s unfortunate and reckless use of words like “pride”, “choice” and “lifestyle” when talking about themselves. We convey the impression that not only have we deliberately chosen this “filthy western lifestyle”, but we are even proud of it.

The general Indian public is very confused about what the gay community is, something that is further exacerbated by the range of people that come under the term “gay”.

Lack of any formal educational inputs regarding sex and sexuality leaves them ignorant and prejudiced. At the same time, various religions are aggressively pursuing their personal agendas by denouncing the gay community and promoting and provoking violence against them. And, our usage of words like “choice”, “pride” and “lifestyle” reinforces the public’s wrong perceptions about us and induces them to accept the lies told to them by their religious leaders. That’s the power of words.

If you look at a problem of motion of a physical body in physics, you would plot all the various forces and counter forces and arrive at the net resulting force. That’s how we manage to send satellites and space explorers into space; by understanding and working with every force that will act on the object that we are sending out, all along its path. When we choose to ignore any of those forces, out of ignorance, out of arrogance, or simply because we cannot “accept” the existence of those forces, our satellites and space explorers will end up in quite different places from where they were intended to be.

The same applies to the forces in society. You may choose to ignore certain realities simply because you want to don’t accept their existence. But that does not make them disappear. They will act on you whether you like it or not.

Here’s a thought for you: It is logically a fallacy to talk about being proud of something that is not your personal achievement. For example, wouldn’t it sound ridiculous if you said, “I am proud to have 5 fingers on each hand”? Obviously so, since you did not create those fingers with your own effort, right?

The word “proud” AUTOMATICALLY implies that what you are talking about is your personal achievement. You will sound like a retard if you said you are proud that the sun sets in the west and not in the north. Yet, we people say we are “proud to be gay”. So, what does that AUTOMATICALLY imply? It implies that being gay is something we have attained or chosen ourselves. So, you cannot say in one breath that you were born gay and did not choose it, and in the next breath say that you are proud to be gay (and thereby directly imply that it was your personal choice).

At this point, kindly don’t give me your tired old explanations about Stonewall and all that. You can argue on the semantics of the usage with me till the cows come home. What you need to think about is: does all this explanation sell with the rest of society? Was it something you could have used with those guys at the Empire?

I said right at the outset that perceptions can count for more than facts. The truth is that we have chosen this word “pride” without even thinking about its implications; about the power of words. It is time to let go of this word.

Another question for you: when you say you are “proud to be gay”, are you also implying that you would have been “ashamed” if you had not been gay? Can you see how meaningless this usage of the word “proud” is? Stop aping the west mindlessly. Let THEM follow us for a change.

Then, while the gay community wants to tell the world that it is as “normal” as anyone else, for some reason it is too “shy” to actually demonstrate this in practice. Thus, the only time the general public sees the gay community as such is when gay people are marching through the streets in their annual parades, dressed up in freakish attire or in almost nothing, disrupting the traffic, banging drums to add to the already hellish noise pollution on the streets, carrying strange and provocative banners saying things like “Main gaandu hoon”, “Proud to be gay”, and so on. Other than this, the only real contact between the straight and the gay communities is when hijdas clad in sarees go about their business harassing and intimidating the public. As for “normal” gay men, they go about their day-to-day business while keeping their nature hidden, and the public does not even know that they are gay. So, when the public looks at these men, they just see “normal people”, not “gay people”.

That means, the public rarely gets to see men who openly call themselves gay and yet look and act “normal”. Why then are we surprised that the public sees us as decadent pedophiles who have deliberately chosen “filthy western lifestyles”? Isn’t that the perception that we are ourselves creating about ourselves?

Here’s a question for you: HOW OFTEN DOES THE GAY COMMUNITY MARCH THROUGH THE STREETS IN AN ORDERLY MANNER, WEARING “RESPECTABLE CLOTHES” AND CARRYING RESPECTABLE-SOUNDING MESSAGES?

NEVER; right?

Why not?

Why does EVERY SINGLE GAY PARADE have to be a display of freakish attires, crude messages and boisterous behavior hardly likely to command respect? Why are we only TELLING people that we are “as normal as anyone else”? Why not SHOW it to them? Is that too much to ask?

What we need to work on is changing the perception of the general public regarding the gay community.

Here’s what I’d like to see in a gay parade: I’d like to see gay people DRESSED NEATLY in NORMAL clothing–which could include anything from business suits to your own traditional attires–walking quietly together through the streets in an orderly and dignified manner, without being accompanied by raucous banging of drums (something that is normally associated with some communities carrying dead bodies to the cremation ground), without disrupting the traffic; handing out leaflets and messages to the general public with a smile, and treating every such interaction with the general public as an opportunity to change their attitude towards the gay community by acting “as straight as they are”. I think I would be happy to be part of such a parade.

In my opinion, the current parades only serve to reinforce the low opinion that the general public has about the gay community. I want no part of that, and have never marched in one of these whether in India or outside.

What would you say about a person who keeps feeding sugar to a diabetic and then wonders why the patient does not recover and whether he needs to be fed even more sugar?

This message was originally posted on the Good as You mailing list by Vijay on behalf of his colleague.  It is being reproduced on Orinam.net with consent of the author and individuals involved in the incide

Nov 29, 2011, Bangalore:

I have been at my wit’s end grappling and struggling to come to terms with a rather unsavoury and a nasty incident that two of my gay friends A and B, my boyfriend and I have had to face and suffer – quite ironically – on the night of the LGBTIQ Pride in Bangalore.

We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves in the Pride and happened to drop into Empire restaurant for dinner after the party around 12 midnight.  Little did we know as to what was waiting to ambush us there.  As we ordered our dinner, I stepped out alone for a smoke.  No sooner than I returned and settled down, I felt some particles falling on me. Much to my disbelief, I realised that sugar was being showered on me from behind.  I looked at my boy friend and two other friends to see if it was their prank.  It wasn’t!  It was being thrown at us by two young seemingly straight and clearly homophobic men around 24-25 years of age. I was livid and screamed out “How annoying!  B*stards are throwing sugar at us!” to which the two guys yelled in return to say “Talk to us if you have a problem”.  All of us chose to ignore it hoping to end it there.  In no time, one of them said something rather offensive in Kannada.  I could sense that from their tone, facial expressions and body language.  One doesn’t need to know the language to pick up the underlying tone.  They charged up to us and bombarded us with a slew of impertinent, dehumanizing and vulgar questions like “Are you gay?”, “Do you like to suck c*cks?”, “Do you like a pole?”, “I know you like men and you like to sleep with them” … just to name a few.

My boyfriend tried to intervene to diffuse the situation by telling them “Its okay!  We have nothing to do with you.  We are just eating food!”.  They went back but continued throwing sugar at us.  One of my friends – friend A – got really upset and yelled out “What is your problem?  Why are you doing this?”.  To which, the two guys hurled a volley of expletives and invectives like “C*ck up!  We know you are gay”, “You want to fight with us?”, “You guys are shame to us” etc.  Their body language, facial expressions and tone were belligerent and the guys were itching to ignite a fist fight at any cost.  They wanted to do/say everything they could to make us attack them first. My friend B retaliated aggressively saying “Try it.  Dare you hit one of us!” and called out for the manager.

All that the inept manager did was to tell us to sit at our table and tell them to sit at theirs.  On seeing the manager, the guys went back.  We decided to leave as it was already very embarrassing and ugly.  As we left, my boyfriend took a few seconds to drink water.  One of the unruly guys – guy X – pulled the glass of water off my boy friend’s hand and yelled at him “Leave now!!”.  We paid the bill and got out to buy paan.

They were waiting at the stairs to accost us again at the exit.  We ignored them and went past them.  At that juncture, one of the guys – guy Y – exclaimed at the manager “What kind of people do you entertain here!”.  We got out and got into an auto rickshaw and wanted to just flee.  We asked him to take us to “Xxxx colony”. To add to our discomfiture and embarrassment, the auto rickshaw driver screams out to confirm our locality loud enough for the guys to hear.  This only added to my horror of being stalked till home and the recent Keenan and Rueben case was on our minds.  Much to our terror, the two guys stood against the auto and would not allow it to leave. We had to scream and yell at the auto driver to leave.  As we left, one of the guys – guy X – hit my friend B quite hard on his shoulder.

This was a dreadful and a scary experience that should not happen to anyone.  It is over now.  But as I reflect in retrospect, I need to know the following:

1.  This incident was very fast and caught us largely unawares.  With its sudden course and the lightening turn of explosive events that led from one to another, was there a more effective way of dealing with it then?

2.  Why is it not safe yet for the LGBITQ community to just be themselves – and now more so in Bangalore?

3.  What are our options now under the law?

4.  How can we make Empire a better and a safe place for the LGBTIQ community and everyone else to hang out?

5.  How do we sensitize the management of Empire [and other businesses like it] on dealing with a diversity of clientele?

Please share your suggestions below.

Thank you!

The theme of the contest was In Public. 

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