In 2018, the Supreme Court of India decriminalized consensual and private same-sex relationships in Navtej Singh Johar v. Union of India- – a landmark judgment that overturned the Supreme Court’s own ruling in Suresh Kumar Koushal v. Naz Foundation which upheld the now notorious Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code. Even though the Navtej judgment was momentous, it was merely the first step in the long fight for LGBTQIA+ equality- a step that should never have taken the Indian courts so long in the first place.

But even after Navtej, the journey for LGBTQIA+ acceptance has not been easy in India, especially for those living in small towns and rural areas. A lack of LGBTQIA+ friendly-spaces and radio silence on the issue of sexuality and gender identity has made it difficult for not only society to accept the LGBTQIA+ community, but also for LGBTQIA+ people to come to terms with their own identities. But in spite of these challenges, LGBTQIA+ activists across the country have continued to work tirelessly to change laws and mindsets alike. Back in 2017 (even before Navtej), Opposition party politician Dr. Shashi Tharoor tabled an anti-discrimination and Equality Bill in the Indian Lok Sabha that is comparable to the Biden Administration’s recently introduced Equality Act. However, unlike Biden, Tharoor wasn’t able to pass his Bill, ostensibly because of its radically transformative nature.

More recently, the BJP-led Central Government slammed efforts to legalize same-sex marriage in India by responding rather acerbically to three separate petitions seeking to secure these very same rights. The Government stated same-sex couples in India did not have the fundamental right to marriage because the Navtej judgment merely decriminalized ‘a particular human behavior’. Rather, the Government said, marriage in India should remain restricted to ‘biological men and biological women’.

The Government’s counter-affidavit also claimed that “Western ideas cannot be imported to the Indian context”; yet failed to prove how the idea of same-sex marriage was inherently ‘Western’. In fact, the terminologies of “western”, and “eastern” themselves are contested and require significant academic deconstruction. To merely claim that something is “western” or “eastern” is indeed a sign of intellectual laziness. The Government’s argument falls apart further when one considers the curious cases of two Asian, non-Western countries– Taiwan and Thailand. Taiwan not only legalized same-sex marriage back in 2019 but is now on track to legally recognize international same-sex marriages . Thailand is also considering expanding the scope of marriage to also include same-sex relationships. Moreover, rich historical and sociological evidence of the existence of same-sex marriage in India has been well-documented by scholar Ruth Vanita in her 2005 book Love’s Rite: Same-Sex Marriage in India and the West. This affirms that there is nothing quintessentially ‘western’ about same-sex marriage in India.

Two more of the Central Government’s arguments are grossly egregious. The first has to do with the Government’s labelling of sexual orientation as a “particular human behaviour” and the second is the Government’s idea of marriage as constitutive of a union between only ‘biological’ men and women. If we consider the first argument, we see that the Government’s line of reasoning is false because sexual orientation is not a behaviour, it is an integral aspect of one’s identity. Here is an excerpt from the Navtej judgment that drives this point home: “Sexual orientation is immutable, since it is an innate feature of one’s identity, and cannot be changed at will. The choice of LGBT persons to enter into intimate sexual relations with persons of the same sex is an exercise of their personal choice, and an expression of their autonomy and self-determination.” So, if one’s orientation is indeed intrinsic to one’s being and concomitantly, can’t be changed, then why should homosexuals be denied the same legal rights that their heterosexual counterparts enjoy- which includes the legal recognition of marriage? Ironically, arguments of ‘behaviour and choice’ are never made against heterosexuals because they constitute the majority in society, so much so that their sexual orientation is not only seen as the de facto ‘normal but also codified in multiple personal laws in the country that recognize various forms of opposite-sex unions. Yet, not a single law in India exists that recognizes LGBTQIA+ unions.

I wonder whether it is even morally justified for a country that prides itself (no pun intended) in the diversity and the multiplicity of its people, to deny a large section of these very same people equal rights?

The Government also claims that marriage can only be between a “biological man” and a “biological woman”, yet fails to define what a ‘biological woman’ is. In 2019, the Madras High Court ruled that the meaning of the word ‘bride’ in Section 5 of the Hindu Marriage Act “cannot have a static or immutable meaning”. Rather, it had to be expanded to include not just biological women, but also Transwomen, Transgender people, and intersex people. The Court further opined that the Constitution was a living document that needed to evolve with changing times in order to be relevant; furthermore, in Shafin Jahan v. Asikan K.M., (2018) it was already decided that “the right to marry a person of one’s choice is integral to Article 21 of the Constitution”. Why then, were these progressive arguments not made to grant equal rights to same-sex couples? Expanding the scope of marriage to same-sex couples does not take away anyone else’s rights. Rather, it makes for a more inclusive and diverse family unit. For a community that routinely experiences stigma, discrimination, and ostracization in Indian society, legalizing same-sex marriage would have been one way of rectifying historical wrongs. To argue that same-sex marriages could somehow cause “complete havoc with the delicate balance of personal laws in the country” (as the Government has also stated in its counter-affidavit) is gaslighting, plain and simple.

It isn’t surprising that valiant displays of compassion, courage, and love still threaten the small-minded and cold-hearted.

Anupam Sharma, a postgraduate student from the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT) Gandhinagar, is carrying out a mixed-methods study to understand the everyday experience, including challenges, struggles and negotiations, of gay, bisexual and other men who are attracted to men in India, and are above the age of 40. The study has been approved by the institutional ethics committee.

Anupam writes, “Many studies have shown that growing older brings with it a lot of health complications in our community. People tend to feel lonely and depressed, with mental health further affected by ageist and disparaging statements on Grindr^TM and other dating platforms.”

He has already completed the qualitative (in-depth interview) component of his study, with participants ranging from 40 to over 80 years of age.  He is now seeking participants for the online survey, with a sample size of 200 (about 140 responses have been received as of February-end, 2019).

Inclusion criteria:

• Cis (i.e. non-trans) gay, bisexual and other men attracted to men, regardless of relationship or marital status
• Of Indian origin and residing in India at present
• Above 40 as of the date of taking the survey

If you meet these criteria, click here to take the online survey. It will take no more than 15-25 minutes. Participation in this research is entirely voluntary and can be terminated at any point. Confidentiality will be maintained.

Today is Coming Out Day 2016 and I would like to tell you a little story.

It took me 27 years to admit I wasn’t straight.

15 of those years were spent in me being a teenager in denial: fending off whispered catechism-class speculations that I was lesbian and generally being a homophobic transphobic everything-phobic asshole.

8 of those years were spent being a shit ally. The “LGBT folks have a mental condition let’s have a pity party” ally. The ally that equated polyamoury with untrustworthiness. The ally that said her crushes on women were a result of being in all-girls’ institutions all her life and see, see, this is why you should send your daughters to co-ed schools. The ally that ignorantly misgendered Brandon Teena after watching “Boys Don’t Cry” and said “the most traumatic thing about the rape is that it was proof that she wasn’t a man”. Even as I write this down I cringe, partly because I am still guilty of misgendering people, and still struggle to ask about what pronouns they prefer. Partly because how dare I.

Five of those years were mired in confusion, self-loathing and pain. I was a newly married woman who still didn’t know if she was bi or not. Who went to Queer Pride meetings masquerading as straight because would I be lying if I said I was bi? I tended to like men more. Did that mean I wasn’t, what about that part that loved women. Where did it lie? Where could I place it?

And what was I going to tell my husband? That his wife had an entire side to her that he had no clue about? Would he feel cheated? Disgusted? Would he be afraid that I would cheat on him? By then I’d seen enough internet links on bi-phobia and bi-erasure, heteroflexibility, discrimination, to fear that he would either mistrust me or joke about threesomes. By then I was hardly sure myself what I was.

I came out to my husband two days after the 2013 Supreme Court verdict on Section 377, when he asked me why the verdict disturbed me as much as it did. It’s horrible, yes, he said, and it makes absolutely no sense, but you haven’t gotten back to normal since then. What happened?

I told him.

He was shocked when he heard this, and tried too hard to pretend nothing had changed for two days after. It hurt more than I would care to admit and I was sure everything I was afraid of had just happened. There were times when I wondered whether I should have just shut up.

Well I’m glad I didn’t because on the third day he asked me if we could talk and sat me down. He said a lot of stuff I don’t exactly remember now. But one thing stood out, and it was this: “You really only get to know what kind of ally you are when someone you love comes out to you. I’m sorry. This is who you are and I wouldn’t want you to change a thing.”

He has not budged from that stand since. There have been, quite literally, times when he has read up and listened and asked, listening with an excited kind of interest. There have been times when he has asked me if I would like to be with a woman. When I was pregnant, he wrote me an emotional letter telling me if I ever wanted to express my being bi, I should. “It won’t change anything between us, Anu. We will always be husband and wife”.

Our relationship is messy, complicated, sometimes sweet and sometimes stormy, but I know for a fact that this is a man I can trust. A man who has taken me for all I am and loves me because of it all, not inspite of it. He is my biggest source of validation.

Three of those years have been spent embracing this part of me that I spent so long rejecting. Spent delivering smart zingers to peoplr who call me bi-curious because I have never slept with women (not that my track record with men was any better) (cmon, “nine years is a long time to be just curious” sounds pretty clever I think). It’s been spent learning to respect the way people see themselves because a man I loved once did that to me. It’s been spent loving myself and loving everyone. It’s been spent learning and accepting that I still don’t know shit. And you know what? That’s okay. You learn something new everyday.

Edit: Someone asked me to what end my speaking out was. What purpose did it serve? Good question. When I was a little girl I could have done with a voice like this. There are kids who cannot come out, will never come out, can never envision support. Well, look below, my darling one. See what you will find. Support. Love. Acceptance. Know that you will find it whenever you are ready to do so, please. <3

This piece was originally posted on Anu’s FB timeline.

Special Feature for International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (IDAHO-T 2014)

You know… when you ask me about the formation of Sappho, it opens a floodgate of memories for me. By the time I was 20-21, I wanted to move to a new city, make a fresh start, so suffocating it had become. Yes, I had discovered myself long back. Today I have crossed 50. When I was 16- 17, falling in love was itself such an exceptional and almost forbidden act and here was I, who couldn’t fit in anywhere. I found myself attracted towards women… an attraction which I could not suppress. At school, while I, being the tallest girl in class, was the last bencher, Akanksha (my partner) was the first bencher. Though I have known her since we were in Class V, back then we were not friends. Much later, while I was in Patiala, she wrote to me after her father’s demise and we reconnected. Anyway… I spoke about my orientation to only one friend, a very dear friend. She felt so scared for me that she strongly advised me not to disclose this ‘secret’ to anyone. She feared that if I disclosed this to anyone, people would ostracise me. I am in touch with her to this day. We do not get to meet but are still very good  friends. When the Section 377 verdict came, she called me twice but I could not take her calls for some work. The third time she called, she only said, “I know you are busy but just wanted to know whether you are all right.” So [it’s] that kind of a bond.

When I was 21, I decided that I needed to confront my reality: yes, I am a lesbian. Mind you, I knew the term… learnt it in the first year of college from a friend. I had also read that famous article by Navratilova but I don’t remember reading the ‘L word’ in that article. I decided I would go out and become financially independent and would obviously not marry. A huge advantage I had was I was born into an extremely liberal family. My parents rarely imposed their decisions on me. So I went off to Patiala to work as a trainee in the R and D department of an industrial house. Later I cleared a test and got absorbed.

I have struggled a lot in life. After Patiala, my next stop was Patna, in the reference section of Times of India but I resigned following some ethical differences, about which we can perhaps talk off the record. I was back in Kolkata. I started selling sarees and then cleared an entrance test with a public sector organisetion, and that’s where I have been working since 1993. After Akanksha wrote to me in Patiala, our correspondence continued. We started meeting. I was posted in Durgapur. She was from an extremely orthodox family. Her mother’s word was the last word. Her family was trying to get her married. Even my parents gave an advert in the matrimonial. Once I found out, I confronted my father and emphatically told him that I would not marry. I hadn’t spoken about my orientation yet. Plus, I had already been through a string of failed relationships. So I was extremely circumspect but nevertheless got into a relationship with Akanksha in 1993.

I was transferred to Kolkata in 1998. It was my dream to start a support group where people could come and at least speak their hearts out. At least they would not have to keep running around like me, because of their orientation. Akanksha wasn’t too sure back then. Of course she had her reasons. After her father’s death, her family had become almost bankrupt and she was the primary breadwinner. I, on my part, too had been through difficult straits. She did not want us to be in a spot but I was adamant. If nothing else, I would walk it alone. I was quite desperate as this was already my 6th job. She did join me thinking she would ensure that I would not get into any trouble but of course later, she became a stauncher activist than me. I found a helpline number of Sangini (India’s first lesbian helpline) in a magazine. The number used to be operative once a week. One day, we planned a visit to Delhi… went there, called Sangini but could not meet anyone. Back then, they did not have any website, neither was any postal address advertised. When we asked the operator if they had any facilitator in Kolkata, she replied even if they had, they would not give us any address for privacy and security reasons. In any case, they did not have any facility in the city. You can, therefore, well imagine the situation. How underground we were! We came back. Then we came across Counsel Club’s (a now defunct LGBT support group in Kolkata) phone number and PO box number in the Sunday magazine. We contacted them and became a part of that space. While on an individual level, it was quite refreshing to meet people who shared similar concerns, at the end of the day it was an extremely masculinist space. We could not relate. There were other issues too. How does a homosexual man relate to a homosexual woman? Is their non normative sexuality enough to bridge the material differences of gender? And to this, when you add money matters, how do their power dynamics play out?

However, we realised that the media was giving us some attention. So I spoke to Akanksha and decided that we would give an interview (imagine the time period, the risks it entailed, our respective jobs, family!). The media would have to prominently display the Club’s address. With the Club, we got into an understanding that they would give us the letters written by women. Imagine the coincidence… at the same time, Nupur and Mallika wrote to Stree Sangam in Bombay. Veena Fernandez, who had heard of us from Pawan (of Counsel Club), forwarded him the letter and we got it from him. Another woman, Julia Dutta, contacted me on my landline number (she got it from Vina) and told me that she knew two other women from the city who she had met at a retreat on Madh island. That’s how I met Preeti and Sheena. Anandabazar took our interview in March, 1999, a few months after Fire released. On 2nd April that year, Nupur and Mallika came to our place. We were wondering about when the interview would appear. We were sure that more people would contact us once it was in print. The interview came on 4th April, 1999. We received around 35 letters from women. The six of us divided the work among ourselves. We were on one page about creating an informal and safe space where you could talk freely and reach out to and connect with people like you. Preeti and Akanksha started brainstorming about our logo and the six of us named our space, Sappho. We used to function from our tiny pad in Santoshpur. Within three months of publication of the interview, we were twenty odd people and it was decided that Sappho would have its first official meeting on 20th June that year.

The experience of buying this flat itself is one story, I must tell you. Back then, HDFC bank used to charge 17.5% interest for home loan. There weren’t too many options for home loans. So when we jointly applied for the loan with HDFC, their consternation knew no depths. The number of hassles we had to face… the vice president told me, “Just for once, say she is your cousin. I will give you the loan right away.” But I refused. “We are not sisters. We are friends!” Ultimately the loan was sanctioned in my name. When I registered the flat, I put it in the will that following my death, she would get the flat and after her death, our respective brothers could spot sell it and divide the money. Later, when we bought our new flat, we had to face a similar situation yet again, this time with SBI. They did not have any such precedents. Akanksha and I were individually asked the same questions to see whether our answers matched. Ultimately, the loan was sanctioned. After us, many same sex couples got loans citing our example but today of course they only ask for your salary slip.

I have seen some M to Fs talking so much about exploitation suddenly taking on a masculinist tone and swearing at network meetings where projects are allotted! But I cannot keep quiet when I see a girl working for an LGBT forum being made to sign a voucher for Rs. 2200 and then being paid Rs. 1400! Such a lot of noise about exploitation but who will look within?

Anyway, coming back to our meetings, I have always been very particular about the accessibility of the space that we created. People have left the group, not being able to communicate across classes but I have always tried to keep the elite vs. non elite debate at bay. We have already been otherised. Should we indulge in the same politics among ourselves as well? Okay, you are uneducated, you are from a slum, so will I not eat with you? On one hand, we are saying that we do not want outhouse status, who are you to mainstream us when we are already part of it? And then on the other hand, should we hierarchise on the basis of class?

Coming back, the moment, it was Sunday, girls started arriving from the morning. They would stay the whole day, chat with us, eat with us. But those were days of dire straits. Repaying the bank loan, repaying loans taken from other sources, there were days when, because we had to buy 10 eggs in the morning, dinner would be puffed rice for the two of us. We had bought a bed for which we were paying an EMI as well. One Sunday, everybody scrambled onto the bed and suddenly I found that the occupants were descending. The bed had hollowed out! This kind of a situation lasted till 2000. However, the joy of being with these girls compensated for all the hardship. I still vividly remember our first meeting. One of our girls acquired the keys to a flat owned by an NRI person. All of us went to his flat. That day it was raining cats and dogs. We ordered biryani. Some of the girls took off their drenched clothes and wore the NRI’s overcoats. We cried and laughed and talked. What happiness to discover so many people like us! But of course, as time passed, we realised that sharing each other’s joys and pains was not enough. One needed to address this systemic oppression. I may have been from a liberal family but the stories of violence was mind numbing. We used to always insist that it was absolutely imperative to be financially independent. And here were parents who went to the employers and told them that their daughters were lesbians so that they would be sacked and lose their financial autonomy (and thus come back to the family fold!). There were others who disowned their daughters. A girl’s mother had an eye surgery. One day her friend’s mother took ill and the girl came to visit her. It was late. She would stay back and leave at dawn the next day. Just for this reason, her mother threatened to wrench out her lens. She would rather remain blinded than see her daughter settle with another woman. There was a structure to this kind of oppression and it did not matter if you were a 20 year old girl or a 32 year old, educated and independent woman. It was, therefore, an absolute necessity to be a part of the women’s movement. That is why, immediately after the formation of Sappho, we became part of Maitree ( a network of women’s groups in West Bengal). Nupur and Akanksha went to meet them and the first question some of them had was ‘what do lesbians look like’. Nupur and Akanksha pointed at themselves and these people were thoroughly shocked. Our point was simple. When a father disowns her daughter, do you condone this violence because she is lesbian or do you term it domestic violence? We tried to punch holes into the whole bogey of food, shelter and clothing first and sex later. If a girl loses her home because of her orientation, she will automatically lose food, shelter and clothing. At the 7th Autonomous Women’s Conference in Salt Lake stadium, I raised the question ‘what action were the women’s organisations taking when, in a single year, 26 lesbians committed suicide in the South?’ A veteran feminist tried to tell me off, saying that I was trying to dictate the motion. I said if stating facts is construed as such, so be it. We would not allow them to hierarchise the issues, we could not afford to be left at the margins. We would not play into their power dynamics. They challenged us to arrange accommodation for the 2500 participants at the conference. We lived up to it, but back then, we were small and an activist used to taunt us, pointing to the fact that we were incapable of providing monetary support to the Conference. Today, the same activist marvels at the fact that we can engage in serious academic projects and also have fun dancing and making merry. This is just to show how our struggles have – problematically but surely – become a part of the women’s movement. However, the politics of power dynamics continues. In the 2013 commemoration of Jyoti Singh’s horrific rape, Maitree’s leaflet did not have a word on homosexuality, despite the Supreme Court judgment. We had to bring out our own leaflets. We have taken up their duplicitous stand on Section 377 at the Maitree meeting.

“The same patriarchal flamboyance without any political agenda! Look at the images of the international prides, rather nude marches! Gym toned, waxed chests on display! Mind you, I am not raising a red flag of Indian culture here! But my question is simple and basic. What is your sociocultural location? Where are the people who you meet everyday, who live on the margins? How are you incorporating their realities into your pride?”

Today, people know us, invite us at national events, but the period between 1999 and 2004was an acid test. None of our members were willing to come forward and give their address to help us register Sappho. But things gradually changed. We knew that we would not receive any state funding. Our first foreign grant came in 2005 and we started making giant moves. During the pre-fund period, we concentrated on outreach work. British Council gave us a platform and Sappho made its first public appearance here. Immediately, a lot of NGOs, which would otherwise not pay us attention, turned up. Anuradha Kapoor of Swayam volunteered to give us a helpline number which would be operational for a couple of hours, once every week. We printed leaflets with sentences like, “Being a woman, do you love another woman? You are not alone…” We pasted these stealthily across the city.

Anandabazar refused to publicise our number because apparently this would come under obscenity laws while the hotlines for masseurs and escort services won’t! Later, the number was incorporated within an article. More calls started coming. We started creating referral networks with the HRLN (Human Rights Law Network), Swayam for cases of domestic violence, homes for girls abandoned by their families, Gana Unnayan Parishad, Sanlap, Sanhita, etc. However, I felt that unless we dialogue with the larger society on issues of sexuality, a lot of violence would go unabated. That is how Sappho for Equality was formed, outside of the Sappho space. This was the end of 2002. Right at the outset, we were very clear that when we would apply for registration, we would underline in bold that we were an LBT (lesbian, bisexual and transmen) collective. There was no question of cloaking facts, even if it meant a tough time at work. It was important to reach out to the mainstream.

So, Sappho still continues to be the informal space for interactions while Sappho for Equality (SFE) is the forum for activism. Anybody, irrespective of gender or orientation, can become its member. All the members of Sappho are members of SFE but not vice versa. So this means that Sappho members who do not want to be open about their sexuality can still come to SFE and meet other people or even take part in activism because there is a cloak that SFE is open to all.

“I know an educated woman who was raped by her doctor and threatened into silence. “Corrective rape” is such a common phenomenon. This girl was repeatedly raped and finally her only recourse was to get married and settle abroad. She had a box full of lesbian magazines which she read in the lurch. Finally, she has summoned the courage to walk out of her marriage and be herself. So many lesbians commit suicide. We do not even get to know about all of them.”

When we applied for funding, we did not have an idea about how to write proposals but soon picked the ropes. Mama Cash (an organisation that provides funding support to activist groups working for the rights of women, girls, and transgendered people) granted us an amount in 2005 but it took us four years to get FCRA! Those years were so tough. However, what I want to highlight here is how the politics of funding has completely changed the dynamics of the queer movement. When we started off, the whole discourse was around HIV and AIDS. We consistently tried to bring in an alternative voice to this paradigm. What about the violence against lesbian and bisexual women? Why should the F to M be invisibilised, just because they are not as susceptible to HIV as gay men, transwomen and MSMs (men having sex with men)? At the end of the day, gender becomes important here… and how it hierarchises the non normative sexualities too! I have seen some M to Fs talking so much about exploitation suddenly taking on a masculinist tone and swearing at network meetings where projects are allotted! But I cannot keep quiet when I see a girl working for an LGBT forum being made to sign a voucher for Rs. 2200 and then being paid Rs. 1400! Such a lot of noise about exploitation but who will look within?

It also depends on how you perceive yourself. We have never allowed funders to dictate terms to us. We have been extremely transparent about our financial transactions and tell our funders not to intimate us before coming for checks. It was with that first grant from Mama Cash that we had set up the Chetana Resource Centre (books, reading materials, audio visual documents). The name is ‘Chetana’ because firstly, it was a camouflage for who we were actually. Secondly, keeping budgetary constraints and our work in mind, we had to rent a space in a homely locality. By then, due to our projects and some media attention, some people were already aware of Sappho. So, openly displaying that name could become an issue. We would take Professor Ratnaboli Chatterjee with us so that landlords would give us some weight. We got a small room by a septic tank for a few hundred rupees. Then a friend’s mother rented out her space to us. How can I forget such friends?

You know what… I don’t believe that there is a uniform, one whole LGBT movement. Where is the B? They do not even exist in the discourse! They are often shunned as opportunistic, getting the best of both the worlds. But imagine the pain they go through when their male lovers do not trust them because they like women while their female lovers feel insecure because they also like men or may get married; such a lot of distrust from both sides when they might truly love both. Where are their issues, their voices? I attribute that partly to the fact that no bisexual leader emerged who could show a new way. And then there is L vs. G and T is of course a different ball game altogether! That’s where all the money is. What we are witnessing is an ‘NGO-isation’ of a movement. Look at the proliferation of identity labels. Earlier, they were all referred to as hijras, now we hear about kotis, transwomen. It has become a herculean task for people like us to establish that T also includes female to male.

This whole HIV business has become cancerous and now what we are witnessing is a multiple organ failure! I want to ask these NGOs, how will you function when there is an HIV vaccine? Your politics begins with what should come last: fund. How many hijras are there? Out of them, how many are transwomen, how many kotis, how many MSMs, out of the MSMs, how many are married, how many are HIV positive? The list goes on! More quantitative data upon data! Why is there no talk of educating these people, trying to provide them sustainable living conditions, an economic way out? Yet, I hear voices saying what’s the use of education when sex brings more money! After 40, when they do not even get clients for sex, who gives them shelter? You are not even equipped to understand how you are being deprived and exploited but you will shout for funds and more funds! There are those who are educated and do sex work for money. They exercise a certain degree of autonomy, but do these people have that autonomy? Can they say no to clients who refuse to wear condoms? Today, Manas Bangla (a network of 13 community based organisetions supported by the West Bengal State AIDS Prevention and Control Society, working with MSMs and transwomen) has disbanded and if rumours are to be believed, there was massive corruption. Every week, you will hear of 2 to 3 deaths from AIDS. Who takes responsibility for these deaths? In such a mess, how does one even begin to bring the lesbian narrative, which has already been cast aside by the HIV brigade? They do not even have a feminist perspective.

However, times have changed. Public spaces are coming up where people from different organisetions can meet and interact, exchange ideas. That’s why the addas organised by Kolkata Rainbow Pride Festival (KRPF) are important to me. These are not just everyday interactions. They have a political agenda. Even if 60 people turn up for these discussions, at least they will get to hear something different. Last year, we also participated in the Pride Walk. We have always maintained that we do not want our movement to reach a point like ‘buy one cream, get one free’ schemes offered on International Women’s Day. This has been our stand against commodification. We are all for visibility and that is why we march with ‘Lesbian Rights, Human Rights’ posters on women’s day, but visibility of the cause and not the person, that is more important. Do you want to become an object or the subject? The ideology of the pride is what is problematic.

The last year, when they came up with the theme, ‘Violence against women’, we became a part of it. This was a public space and we loudly claimed it with slogans but it was the slogan that was important, not the individual. What ultimately became of the pride walk is a different matter, of course. I wanted to give feedback but there was no feedback meeting. I did not see the theme running through the walk apart from the leaflet, which was shabbily written. There was no sense of history or perspective.

Is it enough to just crunch numbers on the HIV-affected? It was a miniature version of the international gay pride events. It was like the difference between Bollywood and Tollywood. The same patriarchal flamboyance without any political agenda! Look at the images of the international prides – or, rather, the nude marches! Gym-toned, waxed chests on display! Mind you, I am not raising a red flag of Indian culture here! But my question is simple and basic. What is your socio-cultural location? Where are the people who you meet every day, who live on the margins? How are you incorporating their realities into your pride? We come back to the question of homo-nationalism. We raised this issue long back.

Yes, I also agree with you that it is a precarious walk, but I believe in becoming a part of the system and raising a critical voice. Our girls went to the American Centre for the mask-and-poster-making workshop prior to the pride march, but what is important here is the kind of posters we made. Did our slogans question the hegemony? Majority of our funds come from the US and Europe. But the question is, are they dictating the terms of our work? Will our work benefit our community or the funders? We are not ready to open fake data centres in every district of the state because we do not have enough infrastructure to furnish you with authentic quantitative data. We will only do qualitative research. A country where girls do not even get to exercise the choice of getting married but are simply married off, where scores of lesbians continue to be married off, where is the scope for quantitative analysis? Also, is the girl willing to publicly identify herself as lesbian?

Since the Section 377 verdict, even Anand Grover (the lawyer and member of the Lawyers’ Collective, who led the Naz Foundation petition against Section 377) and other lawyers are talking about filing harassment reports with the police. They have a legal justification, that is to prove that we are not just 25 lakhs strong (the figure quoted by the Central Government in the Supreme Court), but much larger in number; that we are not ‘miniscule’ (as per the judgment). But I have a fundamental problem with this approach. Why will the state not secure the rights of the invisibilised? Where are our fundamental rights? If it is all about coming out, where is the individual’s autonomy to choose whether she wants to publicly speak or not? You know, I can critique a lot more, but when a collective gets a voice, I would rather critique them through intrapersonal communication. Isn’t it more fulfilling to get those very voices to speak differently than to split a collective? For instance, till 2007, we had this bitter pain that these people talk so much about the LGBT movement but women were invisible in their struggle against Section 377. Later, we thought, we should become part of the system and bring in our narratives. Section 377 talks of penetrative sex and therefore technically, lesbians do not come under its purview but let’s not simplify women’s lives. It is no hypothetical situation that a lesbian could be forcibly married and left alone at the in-laws while the husband is working in Gujarat or Maharashtra. The husband comes once a year and gifts her with a child, and sometimes with AIDS, too, from all the unprotected sex he has had. This girl may have a girlfriend who is her only solace. What is penetrative sex here? It is compulsory heteronormativity and being forced to be who you are not. If I start narrating instances of violence, you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. Parents blackmailing girls into marriage or else risk being reported to the police… if a boy gets arrested, the parents can secure his release and slap him for ‘unnatural behaviour’ but for a girl, marriage is the worst punishment you can give. A girl may have visited a psychiatrist, against all odds, but even the psychiatrist tells her, “It’s a passing phase. Get married and you will be fine.” I know an educated woman who was raped by her doctor and threatened into silence. ‘Corrective rape’ is a common phenomenon. This girl was repeatedly raped and finally her only recourse was to get married and settle abroad. She had a box full of lesbian magazines which she read in the lurch. Finally, she has summoned the courage to walk out of her marriage and be herself. So many lesbians commit suicide. We do not even get to know about all of them. Girls are paraded naked to prove to the world that they are women. The educated woman might be married to someone working with a multinational while the girl from the lower class to a migrant labourer. But see how their concerns merge. It doesn’t matter whether we are subject to Section 377 or not; there are multiple ways and layers of oppression that need addressing. Since 11/12/13, more and more F to Ms are calling on our helpline. Their situation is no less unique. Firstly, many of them do not want to join organisetions because they feel insecure about losing their lovers in women’s spaces. Also, because they identify themselves as men, they may not connect with women’s organizations. Then, there are those who come to us saying that they are men but not like their male friends who objectify women. Neither can they connect with their misogynist male friends nor can they speak about themselves freely with them. These voices need to be heard. You are right in saying that the resources available for F to Ms are much less compared to resources for M to Fs. But for that we are also at fault. It took us time to understand their issues. I admit that there was a time when I thought they are women and wondered why they do not understand that. It took a lot of reading and research to understand that who am I to ‘fix’ their gender? Of course, now we are more than vocal about trans issues.

Another dimension is that we cannot say ‘let’s begin social reformation after legal reformation is over’. The two have to go hand in hand. There is such a thing as backlash. If you go into numbers, then you will see that countries where homosexuality has been legalised are also the countries where beer bottles are flung at homosexuals; I mean the instances of homophobic violence. Today, when our girls sell Swakanthey (‘In her Voice’,Sappho’s journal) at the book fair, it is an empowering moment for them. A girl may start by selling the issue to a woman who wears junk and has closely cropped hair. Then she will gain more confidence by approaching the woman with the kid and husband and then she may look eye to eye with the maulvi. You are getting my point? The confidence it gives…

It was in 2004 that Sappho participated at the Kolkata Book Fair for the first time. We were in the queue for table allocation (in the Little Magazine section) since morning. Later, when two or three forums that had got tables did not turn up, that’s how we got space. There are forums which are careful about not setting up beside us. There are also people who come to meet us. From 500 copies, today we are putting out 5000. Our girls take the local train and go up to Canning to interact with domestic workers who come to Kolkata each day for work. Sometimes they note our number, sometimes they ask questions, sometimes they talk about the ‘boys’ amongst them… the rich experience of reaching out…you know.

The media is also extremely important for reformation. We have had a very difficult equation with the media. We have always maintained that we will not commoditize our cause. If somebody chooses to paint her face and participate in a rally, that is her individual decision, not Sappho’s. Look at the coverage, post 11./12/13. Only painted faces and effeminate men were clicked. How many images of posters did you see in the coverage? The constant refrain is “377 is about gay sex” and then, when you have marginalised us with your presentation of news around 377, you will now grant us some rights and commoditize us with your coverage. Most in the media are not educated enough. Look at the quality of debate on channels. Everybody is screaming all sorts of things. Who listens, who observes and processes? But one has to work with them. We are planning a sensitisation programme with them. We are also thinking about whether we need to throw cocktail parties! If this is what is required to get well researched coverage, so be it.

This year, our thrust will be on youth mobilisation. We want to take up one sub divisional town and do a programme to reach out to a new audience space. The idea is to create spaces like Max Mueller Bhavan (which has been the venue of Dialogues, India’s oldest LGBT film festival) and the Academy of Fine Arts (an open space outside an art gallery and theatre where a lot of protest meetings have taken place). Also, we want to engage with colleges here, which could be through films or discussions. These programmes were conceptualised before the verdict came but now it is tough and easy in equal measure because there is a polarity; those who are ‘for’ will give you space and those who are ‘against’ will not. Outside of this, we wanted to run a survey with the LBT people on where they see themselves four or five years down the line. It is very important to know what the 20-50 population think, but with this verdict, the survey question might have to be reformulated, addressing a more pressing concern. It will run for a year, I think. We want to digitise our archives and document the helpline. You know, that’s a minefield. We have been feeling that we are losing the stories; they need to be recorded. Also, we want to appoint a counselor, a psychotherapist. Plus, hopefully, we can allocate a decent budget for a film. Our engagement with the police and medical community will continue. These are such violently masculinist spaces, breaking into them, talking about gender, sex and sexuality is such a difficult exercise. But such conversations are also necessary because there is such an astounding lack of awareness.

“Look at the coverage post 11.12.13. Only painted faces, effeminate men were clicked. How many images of posters did you see in the coverage? The constant refrain is “377 is about gay sex” and then when you have marginalized us with your presentation of news around 377, you will now grant us some rights and commodify us with your coverage. Most in the media are not educated enough.”

You know, a few days back, I was in Bangladesh. I had been invited by a group which works with MSMs. There they have to camouflage the whole issue under health. I used to always ask them “when are you going to bring in the women?” Finally, 18 women from different parts of the country came to Dhaka. I was with them for two days. The whole experience took me back 14 years. I shared my experience at Sappho with them, showed them a video clip of Sappho members, and there was an instant connect. Some of them asked me what are masculine women called. Their issues are so basic. I hope I can bring some of them for an exchange programme and do an orientation with them on the basics of sexuality. If they can form and sustain a group, I will feel that I have been to some good.

Today Sappho has grown up. A whole new generation has come up. While it is difficult to accept a lot of changes, there is no other option. We chat, we Skype. We go to coffee shops and spend time with people like us. Connecting has become so much easier. We understand polyamoury, polymorphosity, use queerness as an umbrella political stand…. Even I identify myself as a queer feminist, but how do I define my queerness? Is it just limited to the way I perceive relationships or is it a more rigorous, political goal? One thing that I keep reiterating is ‘let’s step out of this politics of otherisation. If I take LGBT as a unified category, then there is a non LGBT category, if there is a homo friendly category, then there is a category which isn’t. This ‘versus’ can just go on and on. But why can’t I simplify matters and say either you are a good human being or you are not? And those who are not, can they become good? Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we thought so?

This interview first appeared in Kindle Magazine.

It has been a while now, since ‘My Bisexual Story’ was published. A lot has happened in that time.

The first question I was asked was how my parents reacted. Well, they did not. They looked my way and went back to their work. My sexuality – same as the fact that I have eaten beef – is news every time I mention it. My parents live in denial.

I have not dated any girl yet, so I am exempt from any biphobia they may have. Although, their reactions have never been good even when I dated boys. They would rather I didn’t date at all. However, their disapproval have never been much of an obstacle in my life. As long as I know that something is right, I do it anyway. Most times, they get used to it.

The second question was rather hilarious. My friend thought that bisexuals need to have one male and one female lover simultaneously. So, he kept asking me if I wanted a girlfriend, even though I kept saying that I already had a boyfriend. It might explain why people tend to think that bisexuals are promiscuous and unfaithful.

I told him that I don’t need to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend simultaneously. That’s the same as having two boyfriends or two girlfriends.

Another well-meaning friend asked me if I have decided what I will ultimately become, heterosexual or homosexual – Will I marry a man or a woman? A third friend had simply enquired, “Bisexual? Do you mean you are confused?” No, bisexuality is not a state of transition or confusion. It simply means that as long as you are within the gender binary, I do not care about what is in your pants.

People somehow tend to assume that the sex of potential lovers matter to bisexuals – that it matters if it is a man or a woman, so we want one of each. Or, it matters if it is a man or a woman that we’re attracted to, so we have to choose between the two.

The reality is the opposite. If we find someone attractive, we find them attractive. Their sex does not matter. If I fall in love with a man, I will marry a man. If I fall in love with a woman, I will marry a woman. No matter whom I marry, I will still have crushes on attractive female and male actors. So, my sexual orientation won’t change.

Another common misconception about me, personally, is that I lean more towards men than women. I have only ever dated men, yes; but hello, I was closeted! I found girls attractive all the time. I found boys attractive all the time. So, I dated the boys because I was pretending to be straight.

Also, I do not openly express my attraction towards girls, but I express my attraction towards boys very openly to my friends. That is because I am still getting comfortable with my sexual identity, and I don’t know how people will react if I do the former, and I don’t know how comfortable I will be with their reaction. I’m easing myself in.

Overall, the reactions to ‘My Bisexual Story’ have been overwhelmingly positive. People I thought I knew to be biphobic, were congratulating me and praising my article. Many others did not say anything at all. That’s okay. I was expecting to be shunned and I was not. People treated me the same, which was all I wanted. I am the same person after all. Normality is a privilege.

Then, I met my old friend. Well, what do I say about her. I entered the closet because of the way people treated her. It was not when people gossiped about her and another girl – I would gossip the same way if it was her and another boy. We were in middle school. We gossiped about everything under the sun – it was when our warden beat her and her friend ruthlessly with a ruler, took them to the principal’s office, and told them that they should get checked for sexually transmitted diseases*.

I was horrified. I realized that there was something bad about this, that it was different from dating a boy. For the first time, I saw how the world sees bisexuality. I saw the hatred and the phobia. And I tiptoed into the closet, shut myself in, resolving to stay there forever. So, yes, I only dated boys and stifled all my desire for girls – at least in public. I even tried to convince myself that I was not bisexual for as long as I could.

I met my old friend during my summer vacation and told her that it was great to be out. Because the people who matter, who are the closest to you, see you for who you are anyway. I told her about the response I got after I came out. She replied, “Yes, you stay in the UK. If I come out now, oh my god, the reaction I will get… It will be the hottest topic of discussion at my university.”

Of course. Privilege is invisible indeed.

If I had come out while I was studying in Kolkata, I would have no friends. No one would be my friend, forget about getting close enough to me to accept it. And the boys in my class. Ha. They would have a field day with that information. I would be bullied, harassed, friendless and miserable. The teachers would know too and it would be pure purgatory.

Am I brave? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I lucky? Definitely.

I came out when I was miles away from the people who could react the most negatively. I came out when their reaction did not matter: I was in a new country, with a new life. If they reacted badly, I would cut them off. I came out when I did not need their acceptance anymore.

Is UK a perfect place for LGBT+ people? No. Is it better than India for LGBT+ people? Definitely.

My suggestion to my friend and other bisexual or LGBT+ people in Kolkata would be to get involved with the LGBT+ scene there. Get to know the people; go to the events. You’ll realize how okay it is and how not-alone you are. I was surprised to find Orinam, an Indian site for LGBT+ people. I was surprised to know that we have pride marches in India. I was really surprised to know that we have pride marches in Kolkata! I will march proudly if it ever coincides with my summer vacation.

There are resources for the LGBT+ in India; you will find them when you seek them.

I may have never publicly come out if I had not joined my University’s LGBT+ Society and met other LGBT+ people. Knowing, meeting and talking to other LGBT+ people makes it a lot more okay. It lets you know that you are not alone, and that you are not a weirdo for loving who you love.

Of course, everything is not bright and sunny outside the closet, even in the West. The more I reclaim my identity as a bisexual individual, the more I realize how heavily prejudiced the world is against bisexuality. Apparently, bisexuals are one of the most invisible and least understood among the LGBT+ spectrum. There are many stereotypes and misconceptions against bisexual people, sometimes even in the gay community.

In a way, I’m glad that I didn’t know anything about bisexuality as a child. That way, to me, bisexual was whatever I was. Bisexuals were into literature and hip hop, classical music and foreign language movies. Bisexuals had male and female just-friends, and male and female more-than-friends. Bisexuals idealized love and never settled for anything lesser. Bisexuals loved to dance.

I’m glad I wasn’t exposed to the knowledge of bisexuality that is out there in the wider world. Knowing about those prejudices might have made the coming out process that much tougher and I might have been more prone to self-hate. Remember that I cried for two hours when I first came out? That was only from knowing that people considered bisexuality ‘perverse’ – not ‘greedy,’ ‘promiscuous,’ ‘confused,’ ‘unreal,’ ‘attention-seeking’ and everything else that everyone thinks.

But it is okay. We are society. Each one of us. Society will change if we demand it. All we have to do is talk. Nothing shelters prejudice better than a cloak of silence. So, talk – dispel that prejudice with your words like bullets through ignorant minds. Tell the world your story.  Show them that phobia is ignorance. And if ignorant people have nothing nice to say, maybe they should not contribute to conversations that shape so many of our lives. Show them that their phobia is shameful; our sexual orientation is cause of great pride.

Author’s note: *Women engaging in same sex have the least chances of catching an STI or STD. My warden thought that they have more chances of catching them. Wrong. Is it a surprise that homophobic people are so uninformed? No.

Orinam’s note: For more information on bisexuality, see the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) developed by the soci.bi Usenet group, available in English and தமிழ் (Tamil) on Orinam.

LABIA

invite you to the release, sharing and discussion of the report

Breaking The Binary
Understanding concerns and realities of
queer persons assigned gender female at birth
across a spectrum of lived gender identities

Saturday, May 11, 2013, 5 pm – 9 pm

at

Dhyana Ashram
New No 25 Old No 13, Mada Church Road
Mandavelipakkam (off Santhome High Road)
Chennai  600028.

The discussion will be in English and Tamil, and is being hosted in collaboration with Chennai-based groups The Shakti Resource Center, Orinam, Nirangal, RIOV, and the East-West Center for Counselling

Background:
In 2009-2010, LABIA initiated a research study based on 50 life history narratives of queer PAGFB (persons assigned gender female at birth), and aided by discussions with queer LBT and trans* groups. 11 of us (many of us members of LABIA) did the interviews, transcripts and initial analysis, and 4 of us have been doing the further analysis and writing.

Key findings have been presented at different conferences and some of the data has been published. Now we bring you the full report.

Through this study, we explore the circumstances and situations of queer PAGFB who are made to, or expected to, fit into society’s norms around gender and sexuality. We look at their experiences with natal families and in school; we chart their journey through intimate relationships and jobs; we attempt to understand what happens to them in public spaces, and how they are treated by various state agencies; we discover where they seek and find support, community, and a refuge from the violence and discrimination that mark far too many lives.

Most significantly, this research has given us new insights into gender itself, which we feel are crucial additions to the current discourse in both queer and feminist spaces. Finally, the study flags areas of particular concern, and highlights some necessary interventions.

We ourselves are amazed at the richness and complexity of our findings and are impelled by the need to share these as widely as possible with all queer and feminist groups and individuals, activists and academics, all people working specifically with LBT persons as well as broadly in the areas of gender and sexuality — and of course all of us who are interested in knowing more about our selves.

So do join us for an intense, engaging, stimulating afternoon of presentations in English and Tamil, with time for questions and discussion (and most certainly for tea and snacks).

Hoping very much to see you there, and looking forward to your comments and feedback!

LABIA

Media contact for information on the study: Chayanika Shah (LABIA) may be reached at 98335-38611 and chayanikashah@gmail.com.

For directions to the venue: Call 98415-57983 (English) or 98406-99776 (Tamil)

I don’t remember her name but I remember her face. Big eyes and two ponytails. Cutest girl in the class. In second standard, I wrote “I love you” on a piece of paper and passed it across to her. She read it, exclaimed, “Eww, she says such dirty things” and promptly flung it into the dustbin.

I was hurt and confused but not because of the rejection. I told her that I loved her because it was the only thing I could do. There were no hopes of reciprocation or fears of repulsion.

I was confused because she called it dirty. How was it dirty? I just said that I loved her. I didn’t mean anything dirty.

Everyday I would make a mental note of the stop where she got down from the school bus. I would make plans of coming there years later and befriending her. Of course I never did.

Bisexuality did not seem like a big deal to me at that time. Every night I would fall asleep telling myself stories about Prince Charmings coming to rescue me, or think of the beautiful dancers I had seen in some casino at Nepal. Their beauty and grace had mesmerized me, the same as the princes in fairy tales.

Eventually, I realized that bisexuality was a big deal. Being anything but heterosexual was a big deal. I concluded that I had to be bi-curious. As for the crushes I had on women, they had to happen to everyone. There was nothing unusual about that, right? I preferred heterosexual porn, but it was mostly the women in it who turned me on. It was all very confusing. It all gets confusing when you refuse to recognize yourself.

Finally, I conceded.

It was tough hearing my friends bitch about openly non-heterosexual girls, say it was a ‘disease’ and keep a pile of books in between when sitting next to them. It was tougher not to protest.

I first came out to my first boyfriend and then cried for hours, because of what I thought that made me in his eyes. He was followed by my sister, parents, best friends, and successive boyfriends. I did not tell my immediate circle of friends. I highly doubted that I would remain just-another-female-friend after that.

With men, it went from “He’s cute” to “Is he single” to “Is he interested?” With women it stopped short at “she’s cute.” I never again wrote “I love you” on a chit of paper. I did not even think of any girl that way. It was unthinkable, then.

***

A few days back a dear friend messaged me on Facebook. She was in love with a girl. She was scared and confused. She was terrified of what that made her…to others and to herself.

Humans have a broad and flowing personality that swerves and flows like an endless river, flooding across the banks of stereotypes and definitions. Society tries to keep things simple. So, it invents terms, then umbrella terms, then scales and broader scales to hold everything within comprehensible limits. It shoves the beauty and complexity of human personality into tiny boxes with labels and rules. It breaks our wings and limits our flight.

Now, I am the international student representative at Cardiff University’s LGBT+ society. I am a perfect three on the Kinsey scale. I have not dated any girl yet but I have kissed a few. “She is cute” has evolved  to “Is she single and not heterosexual?” My Facebook friend has found her wings and is learning to fly. Helping her has inspired me to write this article. I am not as brave as I would like to be, but I am getting there.

So, what about you? What’s your score on the Kinsey scale? Or, are you graphing yours out on Storms’ right now? More importantly, do you know that it does not matter?

Author’s note: I use the term ‘non-heterosexual’ to signify all sexual orientations other than asexual.

Orinam’s note: For more information on bisexuality, see the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) developed by the soci.bi Usenet group, available in English and தமிழ் (Tamil)  on Orinam.

I am not a person who finds it easy to express. I was since my earliest days, a distant kid. I didn’t like to be held or hugged and I definitely did not voice my thoughts. To make to make things worse, I realized I was different. So, instead of questioning myself or trying to understand what I was feeling, I threw myself into reading novels and a million other articles till the time I gathered some guts to guiltily start collecting pictures of women from various magazines and newspapers. Since I did collect pictures of men too, I thought that meant I was not gay. I was so ignorant at that time that I believed that there was only homosexuality and heterosexuality. Then of course in college I met the woman I fell in love with and the one who reciprocated. It was more than love and friendship. She opened me up to myself. I realized that I was bisexual (“duh!” I thought to myself at that time), like her. I was newly 18, madly in love and I couldn’t share my joy, my sudden fearand confusion that came from suddenly facing my emotions. As usual, I locked it up in me till I thought was going to burst a vein in my head if I didn’t die of a heart attack. I became moody, sullen and withdrawn and that scared my mom who knew that as usual I was terribly bothered by something but not talking. She asked me many times at various occasions if there was something I wanted to talk about but I always said no.

One late night when my sis was asleep (my dad, an army officer, was postedto north-east at that time), she called me, asked me to sit in the dinningroom and there, in front of me, she began sobbing. “What’s bothering you? For god’s sake, confide in someone!! If you don’t wish to tell me, talk tour dad. Just talk! It’s impossible for me to watch you like this and to top it all you don’t even talk. Tell me or talk to dad now. Call him up. He’ll listen. Don’t keep it in you. Whatever u got to say, say it. Don’t let iteat you up.” Watching her tears of frustration, I broke down and came out toher. Watching me cry (I don’t cry in front of people. Not even my parents), she was shook up. She hugged and rubbed my back while I poured my heart to her. I told her everything. I told her that I was in love with a woman. She held me tight and said it was ok and that everything was going to be all right and that she loved me no matter what. I felt strangely light as the burden took off from my heart. She wiped her tears and said, “Growing up kids often feel like you do. It is not some thing new. All you have to do is to stay away from girls for sometime. Don’t hold hands. Don’t sit too close to them and do not give them a lift on ur Scooty and u’ll be fine. You must not tell ur husband about it once you get married. Men don’t take such news well.” I couldn’t believe my ears! All my coming out and confessing was an entire waste of time. I was fortunately too exhausted (physically, mentally and emotionally) to kill myself out of utter frustration, so I wept some more and then slept. But now I feel coming out to her was not a complete waste. She was right about loving me no matter but she was still bothered about my attraction to girls. And of course, there was an issue she couldn’t face–my girlfriend. For years we tiptoed around the subject till this year when I was going to over to Hyderabad to stay with my girlfriend at her house. We had a heart to heart exchange of letters. Anger, fear, pleads…almost all frustration flowed from both sides and then she wrote, “if you are going to that girl’s place (plz note the lack of word girlfriend or lover or even her name), don’t get physical.” I snapped back with, “My bedroom life is nobody’s business but mine.” And then she stopped. She didn’t talk for some days but now, she seems more accepting. Baby steps at a time is ok as long as it’s towards acceptance. Then of course I have a sis (younger) to whom I wished to come out. She was worried that I didn’t have a love life because I was shy. I came out to heron messenger because I knew I wasn’t going to meet her for a long time(she’s studying in Hyderabad and I work in Delhi) :

Me: I got to tell u something really personal…
Sis: ya. Tell.
Me: remember u told me that I should go out on dates and meet ppl and to allow romance into my life?
Sis: ya
Me: I didn’t have guts to tell u then but I have been dating mostly girls usee…
Sis: that’s gr8! Double dates make things more comfortable for some
Me: I don’t think u read it right. I said I DATED GIRLS…
Sis: OMG!!!
Me: er…ya
Sis: are u a lesbian?
Me: bisexual is more like it.
Sis: all these years I knew u were not st8
Me: ridiculous!! U never knew a thing
Sis: I do observe u know. (lots of talks and details better left censored here)
Sis: u think u cud get married and…er…u know, do the married stuff?
Me: I’ m attracted to men too. I will manage a marriage if I do get married in the first place. For now I wanted to come out to you. U seem ok with the news. I’m surprised.
Sis: lol…I’m not a kid anymore. I’m fine with the news. I have many gay friends so I know how it must be for you.

I am happy to say that my sis has been an amazing (and a surprisingly strong) supporter ever since. Then of course is dad to whom I am yet to come out. But I got a feeling that he either knows (through mom) or has an idea. He did ask me once, “so, how’s life without a wife?” but then maybe its wishful thinking that he just knows abt it already and save me the trouble of coming out to him. I know I’ll break his heart with the news that his darling first-born is queer (when my mom was pregnant with me, my parents went to holy places asking for a daughter coz my dad wanted one. At least his first one, he prayed). I’ll need strength to break this news to dad…I wonder when my next breakdown is going to be. Soon I think. Soon. I read somewhere that coming out is a continuous process. It never really stops. I am out to all my friends and I keep meeting newer people to whom I reveal the fact once they become good friends. Coming out has been liberating on so many different levels. I now quite like being myself though not everybody accepts or understands. I just go on being myself and ‘educate’ straight friends about homosexuality along the way.