For Us

I was lost
under what they said about me.
I wore all their words,
weighing more than my bones,
carrying them everywhere I went.

I couldn’t find myself
beneath those dirty fingerprints.
It was not me I saw
in the mirror, but I found
myself for you, for me, for us.
I pierced through the sun
to burn it all and to
come to you as I am.

We’ll meet under the moon
while the night clouds
float through my hair.
I’ll hold your hand
and nothing will weigh me down
while I fly in your love.

Author Notes:  My poetry book is a compilation of heartfelt verses that I’ve penned over the past few years, originally meant solely for my personal solace. However, after concealing my thoughts and emotions for an extended period, the yearning to step into the light became undeniable. I aspired to reveal my true self authentically. This petite yet significant book represents a vital aspect of my being, and unveiling it to the world fulfils the desire to be acknowledged for who I truly am. Moreover, my passion for sharing art further motivates me to extend this creative endeavour beyond the confines of my own contemplation. I invite you to explore my art, as I embrace the courage to be seen.

Boy from The Poems was published in December 2023 on Notion Press.

The context of the petitioner is as follows: Prasanna, a 34 y.o. cis gay man in Chennai, faced a health emergency requiring hospitalisation during the second wave of COVID, in 2021.  However, his partner of over 15 years was not recognised as a family member. As a result, Prasanna was forced to travel to the neighbouring district (where his natal family resided) to seek emergency care there. Based on this and other instances of exclusion and discrimination, Prasanna prayed for recognition of his partner through contract law, specifically the Deed of Familial Association, proposed the same year by Prof Tiju Thomas in the Law School Policy Review. The petition was impleaded in the Sushma hearings of Madras High Court and heard by Justice Anand Venkatesh on Nov 17, 2023.

The Madras High Court has asked for the Tamil Nadu government to consider this proposal, and for it to be included in the state LGBTQIA+ policy currently being drafted,  The Interim Order draws attention to the Supriyo judgement and asks that the DFA be in consonance with the ratio of the judgement, focusing on ways to ensure (only) Article 21 – which includes the right to relationships –  is protected through the mechanism of a DFA.

Media coverage follows

My friend made sure I got a seat, and the bus was relatively empty. I spotted a seat next to a guy who greeted me with a smile. I placed my bags there and started chatting with my friend. As the bus set off, I moved to sit beside the guy.

Soon after, I began sneezing, and the guy remarked, “It’s good you didn’t get a seat on that A/C bus.” I was taken aback and asked how he knew. He said, “I overheard your conversation with your friend.” We both chuckled, and he offered me a balm, which I found surprising coming from a stranger. As I sniffed it out, he reassured me in Malayalam, saying, “Enik kushta rogam onum illa,” roughly meaning “I do not have leprosy.” We both laughed again, breaking the ice.

Introductions followed; he was Dileep from Thrissur, with an MSW from Trivandrum, currently working. He was traveling from Aluva to Trivandrum for a meeting the next day. We quickly formed a friendly bond.

During the journey, he observed a lot about me and my life. Dileep sensed a pain in my eyes and predicted that I would open up before my stop at Kayamkulam. He believed this would change my life and give me new hope.

As we conversed, I found comfort in sharing personal stories about my breakup, the loss of my father, and my family. This moved him, and he held my hands, providing a shoulder to lean on, where I even dozed off for a while.

His words, though initially a lecture, began resonating with me. He encouraged me to concentrate on myself and work on my wishes. There was an unspoken connection, a sense of trust building between us.

Time flew by, and with an hour remaining, I wished for some bus malfunction, just to have a few more minutes with Dileep. His unexpected question, “Are we getting closer?” caught me off guard. I confessed, and he believed we were a perfect match. He asked if we could date, to which I couldn’t say no but needed time to decide.

Curiosity led me to ask if he was gay, seeking an honest relationship. He smiled, evading a direct answer. As I prepared to disembark, he declined to exchange numbers, saying, “Let’s love without numbers.” This left me feeling both tense and anxious.

I was really frustrated.

I was feeling tense because, honestly, he was a complete stranger. I barely knew him, and his sudden remarks were really getting to me.

He agreed to take my number but insisted on memorising it. That made me upset again. I suggested he just type it in, but he was dead set on learning it by heart.

He asked for my number and started to memorise it in front of me. I was nervous because he was making mistakes. But surprisingly, he managed to learn it and repeated the number several times. I thought he’d save it when I got off. However, I was still anxious, so I scribbled my number on my bus ticket and handed it to him. He refused to take the paper, saying, “Amal, not everyone’s the same. Let go of the past; I’ll be waiting for you.”

As we approached the Kayamkulam KSRTC bus stand, my heart raced faster than ever. I asked Dileep when he would call. He said, “Sharp at 8 PM on March 1st.” He wanted a straightforward answer from me—YES or NO.

When I asked for his number, he said he’d call before 8 PM on March 1st if he was alive. That got me angry. I retorted, “What if you can’t call me before 8 PM on March 1st?”

He responded, “Then, consider me dead.”

The bus stopped at the stand, and I got off. I asked Dileep to let go of my hand as I had to leave. He said, “Amal… Don’t worry about anything because I won’t let you cry anymore.” He whispered, “I LOVE YOU” in my ear. Stepping off at the bus stand, I started to feel better. I had a good time and, just as he predicted at the start, I felt a new sense of hope reaching my destination. He became that hope.

Returning home, I contemplated his proposal, seeking advice from friends who suggested that if he was genuine, I should say yes. I mentally prepared to accept, eagerly anticipating his call. But days passed without any communication and I began to wait. Every time I received a missed call on my number, I dialled back, hoping it would be him.

March 1st arrived, the day Dileep had promised to call. I returned to Kochi and settled in my room, eagerly anticipating his call. I switched my mobile to general mode, glanced at the clock—it was 7:58 PM, just two more minutes to go. I closed my eyes and started waiting for his call with my fingers crossed. When I opened my eyes slowly, it was already 8:01 PM, signalling that I should no longer wait for his calls. I prayed for it but, sadly, the call never came till date. I tried tirelessly to find him on social media and through contacts in his area but in vain. His absence left me questioning his sincerity.

I couldn’t deny that he had alleviated my depression to some extent during that journey, and his impact lingered in my thoughts. I sometimes wonder if he was just a dream or an imaginary figure, yet his words brought me comfort amid my despair.

Despite the uncertainty, I have come to accept that Dileep’s brief presence had a profound effect on me, teaching me invaluable lessons. His voice, face, and smile are all I can recall, and in a way, he succeeded in reaching depths where psychologists had failed.

The lingering question remains—will he ever return? Uncertain. Will he read this? Doubtful. Nevertheless, life must move forward, clinging to the glimmers of virtue that remain.

• This story has been republished from Amal’s blog with the author’s consent.
• Names have been changed
• Image supplied by the author, courtesy Pinterest.

In 2018, the Supreme Court of India decriminalized consensual and private same-sex relationships in Navtej Singh Johar v. Union of India- – a landmark judgment that overturned the Supreme Court’s own ruling in Suresh Kumar Koushal v. Naz Foundation which upheld the now notorious Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code. Even though the Navtej judgment was momentous, it was merely the first step in the long fight for LGBTQIA+ equality- a step that should never have taken the Indian courts so long in the first place.

But even after Navtej, the journey for LGBTQIA+ acceptance has not been easy in India, especially for those living in small towns and rural areas. A lack of LGBTQIA+ friendly-spaces and radio silence on the issue of sexuality and gender identity has made it difficult for not only society to accept the LGBTQIA+ community, but also for LGBTQIA+ people to come to terms with their own identities. But in spite of these challenges, LGBTQIA+ activists across the country have continued to work tirelessly to change laws and mindsets alike. Back in 2017 (even before Navtej), Opposition party politician Dr. Shashi Tharoor tabled an anti-discrimination and Equality Bill in the Indian Lok Sabha that is comparable to the Biden Administration’s recently introduced Equality Act. However, unlike Biden, Tharoor wasn’t able to pass his Bill, ostensibly because of its radically transformative nature.

More recently, the BJP-led Central Government slammed efforts to legalize same-sex marriage in India by responding rather acerbically to three separate petitions seeking to secure these very same rights. The Government stated same-sex couples in India did not have the fundamental right to marriage because the Navtej judgment merely decriminalized ‘a particular human behavior’. Rather, the Government said, marriage in India should remain restricted to ‘biological men and biological women’.

The Government’s counter-affidavit also claimed that “Western ideas cannot be imported to the Indian context”; yet failed to prove how the idea of same-sex marriage was inherently ‘Western’. In fact, the terminologies of “western”, and “eastern” themselves are contested and require significant academic deconstruction. To merely claim that something is “western” or “eastern” is indeed a sign of intellectual laziness. The Government’s argument falls apart further when one considers the curious cases of two Asian, non-Western countries– Taiwan and Thailand. Taiwan not only legalized same-sex marriage back in 2019 but is now on track to legally recognize international same-sex marriages . Thailand is also considering expanding the scope of marriage to also include same-sex relationships. Moreover, rich historical and sociological evidence of the existence of same-sex marriage in India has been well-documented by scholar Ruth Vanita in her 2005 book Love’s Rite: Same-Sex Marriage in India and the West. This affirms that there is nothing quintessentially ‘western’ about same-sex marriage in India.

Two more of the Central Government’s arguments are grossly egregious. The first has to do with the Government’s labelling of sexual orientation as a “particular human behaviour” and the second is the Government’s idea of marriage as constitutive of a union between only ‘biological’ men and women. If we consider the first argument, we see that the Government’s line of reasoning is false because sexual orientation is not a behaviour, it is an integral aspect of one’s identity. Here is an excerpt from the Navtej judgment that drives this point home: “Sexual orientation is immutable, since it is an innate feature of one’s identity, and cannot be changed at will. The choice of LGBT persons to enter into intimate sexual relations with persons of the same sex is an exercise of their personal choice, and an expression of their autonomy and self-determination.” So, if one’s orientation is indeed intrinsic to one’s being and concomitantly, can’t be changed, then why should homosexuals be denied the same legal rights that their heterosexual counterparts enjoy- which includes the legal recognition of marriage? Ironically, arguments of ‘behaviour and choice’ are never made against heterosexuals because they constitute the majority in society, so much so that their sexual orientation is not only seen as the de facto ‘normal but also codified in multiple personal laws in the country that recognize various forms of opposite-sex unions. Yet, not a single law in India exists that recognizes LGBTQIA+ unions.

I wonder whether it is even morally justified for a country that prides itself (no pun intended) in the diversity and the multiplicity of its people, to deny a large section of these very same people equal rights?

The Government also claims that marriage can only be between a “biological man” and a “biological woman”, yet fails to define what a ‘biological woman’ is. In 2019, the Madras High Court ruled that the meaning of the word ‘bride’ in Section 5 of the Hindu Marriage Act “cannot have a static or immutable meaning”. Rather, it had to be expanded to include not just biological women, but also Transwomen, Transgender people, and intersex people. The Court further opined that the Constitution was a living document that needed to evolve with changing times in order to be relevant; furthermore, in Shafin Jahan v. Asikan K.M., (2018) it was already decided that “the right to marry a person of one’s choice is integral to Article 21 of the Constitution”. Why then, were these progressive arguments not made to grant equal rights to same-sex couples? Expanding the scope of marriage to same-sex couples does not take away anyone else’s rights. Rather, it makes for a more inclusive and diverse family unit. For a community that routinely experiences stigma, discrimination, and ostracization in Indian society, legalizing same-sex marriage would have been one way of rectifying historical wrongs. To argue that same-sex marriages could somehow cause “complete havoc with the delicate balance of personal laws in the country” (as the Government has also stated in its counter-affidavit) is gaslighting, plain and simple.

It isn’t surprising that valiant displays of compassion, courage, and love still threaten the small-minded and cold-hearted.

I met this person on Grindr on Nov 30. He introduced himself as Dr. Smith Christopher. After  chatting on Grindr for a while we moved to WhatsApp. He said he is a radiologist at a hospital in the US.

It started out as a casual chat and flirtation, nothing serious. We didn’t speak much at first… just about his work. Most of the images he shared had him with a stethoscope and mostly in scrubs.
I believed that he is a doctor. He didn’t speak much about hospital stuff except generic comment such as “my day was hectic”.

One day he informed about a hospital party and sent me a photo of a group of people in doctors coats, along with him in the center.

When I asked him like whether he is a Resident or Attending, he said he was a senior staff there.  I told him that I was applying for my graduation in US and all that stuff was getting a bit personal and close. 

Whenever he talked about his travel plans, I asked about covid protocols and he would say he is aware and when I say to him about travel restrictions he said this very confusing thing “We doctors are not included with that…we do travel with special flight”.

Once he  asked me about my financial status and I told him that it is pretty shaky, and then he was like “I will take care of you”,  and said he is paid this much and stuff…

A few rounds of discussion later, he said his birthday was coming up on Dec 30, 2020, and that he would like to spend it here with me in India. I explicitly told him not to. But he said he had some vacation days coming up, and that he could use that to travel. On Dec 15, he said he got his vacation approved and it start on the 17th  will last for a month. His exact words were “It will last for one month but I can only spend two weeks or more with you”.

Then on the morning of Dec 19, he messaged that he would be starting for India the same Saturday 04:25pm US Time. On Dec 21, he said he had reached the International Airport in Delhi, and would take the next flight to Chennai after some security check. Within the next few mins I got a call from an India number. The woman at the other end said she was from the Airport Authority, and asked me to confirm his arrival details. She said that he has brought in a lot of cash  (around USD 375,000) with him which cannot be allowed , and he needs to pay a fine of INR 48,500 as fine

.She said they have ceased the entire amount and I should pay the amount. She gave me an account by the name of Arjun Verma in  Bank of Baroda and I transferred that. After sometime she called me again saying they need to create some certificate for money transfer, and I should pay INR 300,000 to process it. Then she called me and said there might be further questions so we can transfer it to some account and asked for my account. They said they have spoken with the Reserve Bank of India and they are okay to transfer the amount. I gave my account details as well.

Then they said the amount is entirely in US Dollars and needs to be converted to INR before transaction, and asked me to pay around INR 400,000. So by end of day I had paid INR 783,500 split across three accounts. (Bank of Baroda, PNB and IndusInd Bank). They said they would not be able to release him that day and that he would need to tay in airport itself. All these were informed by the lady on 21st December.

The next morning the woman called me and said I needed to pay around some INR 700,000 for tax related items and No Objection Certificates (NOC). I asked him for proof in the form of receipts for payment and he kept saying the authorities would not provide it to him until the process is done. I managed to get some personal loans and paid the amount.

Then they asked for some more money for more NOCs which cost around INR 400,000. I paid that amount over next few days, all to the same three accounts. By end of the third day, they said he was not doing well health-wise, and had developed a fever.

On Dec 23 the woman said she had given him some tablets and ask him to rest. She added that she would be processing his release.  She added that once the NOC was ready, they would go to the bank and  transfer the funds.  Then they called me again asking me to pay a fine of INR 603,000. I didn’t have the money and paid it the next day.

Whenever I asked him to get money from his friends in US, he said “if they know I might lose my job”.  All this time the woman was pressuring me saying this is the last amount and they will release him as soon as possible by Dec 24th because from Dec 25 onwards, the banks will be closed for Christmas.

By Dec 24, when I paid up the amount that had, by then, become INR 900,000,   she said he has been suffering from fever for two days and they get some medical tests done.  She asked me to pay up INR 120,000 and assured me that once the results were out they would go to the bank to sign some documents on Monday, Dec 28,  and he would be free to travel to Chennai.

When I called the woman on Monday, she did not pick up until late that day. In the meanwhile he (Smith) informed me that he needed to pay for the injections that they have been giving him. I called the woman again about it and she said  I need to pay INR 400,000  for that.  She said that he would be in quarantine for a week, and added that she and her team were also in quarantine as they were working with him.

On Wednesday Dec 30, they called me saying the treatment bills needed to be paid and the default cost is INR 580,000, following which the medical team would clear him. So I made that payment on Dec 31st. The woman once again said they will go to the bank on Jan 1, 2021, and complete the procedures.

On Jan 1, the woman said that he is quarantine was done, but as some dates on the paperwork were erroneously mentioned as 2020 and it was  2021, they needed to redo some paperwork, which required INR 375,000. I paid that as well. The next I heard from her was that the signing authority hds gone home early and they couldn’t complete the procedure, so they postponed it to the next day. The next day (Jan 2),  by late afternoon,  she said that the amount needs to insured to be transferred and that I need to pay another INR 200,000. I paid that as well and they pushed It to Monday Jan 4.

On Monday, she reported that  they once again went to bank and signed some documents. By 11:30 she said the procedures in bank was over and the money has been successfully transferred and it will be credited within 24 hrs.

After sometime she called to say that  nother amount of INR 345,000 needs to be paid as airport charges, which I paid the next day.

Then they said that the account needs to be upgraded and needs a refundable deposit of  INR 180,000 which I paid on Wednesday.

By Thursday Jan 7 they said the MOF has blocked the fund transfer and that I need to pay INR 485,000 to get clearance from the Mnistry of Finance. I paid that on Friday and the lady once again said everything is over and that he would be free to go by Saturday Jan 9 morning. She added that she was going on leave.

Smith then messaged me that we need to pay another INR 520,000 for the clearance.

He has not provided me with any documentation or  bills and is not ready to talk with embassy people either.

I have thus far, paid close to INR 52,00,000, by taking personal loans. 

I am not ready to pay anymore.

If you have read Ravi’s piece, please check out Vinay Chandran’s article on the scam here.
Reach out to Swabhava (Bangalore) or Orinam (Chennai) at the contact information provided therein.

I’m a Bangalore-based peer counsellor for LGBTQIA+ communities and have operated a telephone helpline for more than 20 years. Today, I’ve been haunted by three big amounts. Let me write them down here:

1. INR 95,000 (ninety-five thousand rupees)
2. INR 8,50,000 (eight lakhs fifty thousand rupees, for the uninitiated) and
3. INR 33,00,000 (rupees thirty-three lakhs, for people who lost count of the zeros).

These amounts were spent by three people who had called the helpline to ask for support. The money was spent in three separate incidents that occurred over three months. The cases involved young queer men (the first one—32, extremely closeted and living with his family, the second one—a pair of friends 21 and 27, and the last one—29 years, mostly closeted and living in a joint family). So why did these young men spend all this money? Because they were trying to ‘save’ their future partners from prison. Particularly, they were saving their boyfriends by paying the fines and other costs to Customs Officers in the Indira Gandhi International (IGI) Airport, New Delhi.

The way they got into these situation is a bit of a long story. But the modus operandi is a familiar one. Let’s say you are a young queer person. You chat with someone from another country (usually UK or US or Canada) on a dating/cruising app like Grindr^TM or Blued^TM or PlanetRomeo^TM. You slowly fall in love with the hunk (he has a great profile picture) over a short period of time, during which he gains your trust and returns your affection sentiment for sentiment. You start dreaming about your future life together and hope that you will meet him soon and, begin living your happiest moments.

Then, out of the blue, he says he’s coming to India to meet you and then take you with him to his country. Or maybe he will decide to live with you. Or maybe he’ll take you on a vacation. And wouldn’t you want to meet him in his five-star hotel and consummate the relationship? Of course you would.

The next thing you know he’s calling you, or messaging you, with urgency in his voice. He says that he’s landed at the IGI Airport and that the Customs Officers have arrested him. He desperately needs your help because he hasn’t told anyone back home about coming to India and no one else can help him. He says he doesn’t know anything about the local laws in India and he only came to see you because he’s so much in love with you. He begs you to help him out in anyway and deal with the customs people and get him out of trouble.

You are now suddenly panicking, unsure of what’s happening, and how to deal with the situation. You get a call from an official sounding person who introduces themselves as a customs officer. The man or woman on the line says that your friend has entered the country with a lot of cash and is in trouble with the law. He will be held at the IGI airport indefinitely until this is sorted out. He gave the customs officers your number so that they could chat with you. They say that he can be freed if he pays the fines and all the costs for bringing in cash like that. Following that, all the money that he brought can then be transferred to your account, which you can then use to reimburse yourself and give the rest back to him. But, the customs people say, if you or your friend is unable to pay the fines, he’s going to prison.

Your friend calls you or messages you again. He asks you to please, please, help him out of this situation, because this is all so new to him. He didn’t know the illegality of carrying so much cash into India (for example, 35,000 UK pounds in one case) and doesn’t want to be stuck in jail forever in India. Can you save him somehow? You hesitate, still panicking, not knowing whom to reach out to or whom to ask for help from. You don’t know many people in the queer community. And you don’t have time now. The only thing on your mind is somehow saving your boyfriend/future husband.

You can’t focus on your work, you can’t sleep, and you can’t eat (especially when you think of your boyfriend alone in jail at the Delhi Airport). Eventually, you decide to help. You have to, because he’s in the country for you and it’s the least you can do, right? How much will the fine be, you ask the customs officer. These officers always sound like they are terribly busy, they always sound like they were in the middle of very important work but were taking time out to chat with you to get your friend some help. And they tell you the amount over the calls, over message, in emails (from the Customs Department and from the Accounts Department in the Customs Office), and in emails from the Customs Office’s account holder at the bank (Standard Chartered, SBI, Bank of Baroda, and many more).

First, the amount is a few thousand towards processing fees and such like. Then the fines start and they start asking for tens of thousands and later lakhs of rupees. Little by little—over the days, weeks, or months that they keep contacting you—you send them money. Each time you complete the payment the person on the phone says there’s another bill you have to pay. Pay the fine for money laundering, for the cost of transfer of the foreign cash to your account, for the exchange rate interest, and more. They send you official receipts, tax codes that you can use for refunds, official letters even from the IGI Airport, copies of the ticket of your friend and more, to convince you. And you pay till you’ve broken your bank, given all your life savings, sold family jewellery, and taken loans to pay to get your friend’s freedom.

You don’t suspect anything until the money’s exhausted. When you tell them you have no more cash and ask the customs people when they will be releasing your friend, you hear nothing. Then the phone calls stop. Why is your friend not being released? You try calling back and there’s no response or the phone seems disconnected. No leads anywhere and nothing’s happening. Is your friend free?

That is probably when you realise that something is wrong. That, in all likelihood, there never was a real person behind that profile you chatted to. That this foreign ‘friend’ was an enormous scam to get money out of you and you fell for it. You feel shock and nothing makes sense. Your panic and anxiety hit the ceiling. What do you do? How do you get out of this?

So here’s what you should do:

1. First, breathe deeply, and calm yourself. You can’t do anything if you’re panicking, right? Just let go of your anxiety while you plan your next steps, and stay calm.
2. Immediately call your bank’s helpline or call your local branch and speak to the manager or call the fraud section of the bank and give them all the details of all the transactions. Tell them that all those transactions were made based on fraudulent requests and, if possible, they should block the payments, inform their counterparts in the receiving bank about the fraud and then help identify the accounts and account holders to whom the money was transferred.
3. Collect all the documentation you have on your friend: phone number, photographs, anything he may have sent you that appears to have some reference to him, if possible. If you’ve been chatting with him over months, see if you can collect all the numbers he’s used or anything that would help identify him. Anything, literally anything, you might have noticed that did not seem important at the time.
4. Visit a lawyer immediately, like right now, and write down your version of what happened, how long you had an online relationship with him, how much you paid, how many people you spoke to, all the bank details (including all that you have collected from your own bank), any photos you might have, etc.
5. Use the lawyers help to file an FIR at the nearest police station. Or log on to the cybercrime division online, file your complaint with them about fraudulent money transactions, and provide all details. You don’t have to hide anything about yourself. Yes, you can even tell them that you are very queer or gay or bisexual or a trans person and that you were hoping to settle down with the man you thought you were corresponding with. You will not be in any danger for saying this to the police. This is important—don’t feel embarrassed about sharing these details, even if you were having cybersex or anything like that, make sure you share all the details. It will help in understanding how deep the scam goes. Is there a risk that the police will chat with your family and that your family will learn about you and your financial crisis? Yes, that is a risk. But that risk is not as terrifying as it appears. Don’t give in to that fear. You are handling this the correct way.
6. Speak to a counsellor, any counsellor. The shock of knowing that you were cheated and dragged along for so many days, weeks, months, or years, will hit you the hardest. The loss of finance and the burden that it puts on your life and the life of your loved ones will feel overwhelming. You will feel like you let yourself, your family, and everyone else down. You will feel like a fool, you will blame yourself, you will ask yourself how you could fall for such a scam. You will ask yourself how you could be so stupid.
7. Do not punish yourself.
8. Yes, you made a mistake and yes, it’s an expensive mistake. But you will deal with it. You will manage the finances. No, it’s not going to be easy for the next few years, but you will get through it. You will work harder, you will take fewer breaks in order to recoup your losses, pay off your loans, and get financially stable again. But do not punish yourself.
9. The most important thing in all of this is to remember your sense of self, your self-esteem, your love for yourself, and think of the next big risk that you might want to take in your life, in your work, or even future relationships. Do not give in to your fear that you will never trust another person again, that you will never fall in love with another person again. You have to understand and tell yourself that you didn’t fall for this person but that he (and all the others working with him) made you trust him, made you feel important and loved. Get angry if you want to, go ahead and give yourself permission to go through all your feelings about what happened—feel it, cry out, scream, distract yourself, do anything. But do not punish yourself.
10. And remember that you did nothing wrong. You trusted someone and they betrayed your trust and exploited you. Falling for a person over chat messages or over cybersex is not a character flaw. Being naive about, and not realising, other people’s intentions is not a criminal offence.
11. This entire experience with this man you fell for is not worth anything more than your disgust at the person you thought you were falling in love with. It’s a lesson for all of us to learn about how to cope with someone breaking your trust. This is a lesson on how to continue living your life after making mistakes. Especially moving on after making mistakes with money—something that all of us have to learn. This is a life lesson on dealing with the realisation that not all the people you meet or fall in love with are thinking about your best interests. Sometimes you really do have to look after yourself, especially around conmen and blackmailers.
12. A conman, that’s all he was. Do not punish yourself.
13. Look after yourself. Go out and meet with friends. Watch a movie, read a book, listen to music. And more than anything else, keep falling in love. Keep meeting new people and having new experiences. Open your heart to other men—but keep your bank account locked. Go out on dates. Learn to have fun without fear again.
14. Go out and make more friends within the LGBTQIA+ communities around you. There are so many of us out here that you can rely on and talk to in times of crisis, loneliness, depression, or when you feel suicidal. Just talk. We have all screwed up something in our lives. Many of us are disappointments to our families for some reason or the other. And while some of us are still going through these things, many of us have survived—not because things got better, but because we got better at handling those things.
15. Call any experienced community member for help. Reach out on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter etc. Tell everyone what happened. Don’t feel embarrassed about having suffered through this. There will always be trolls who’ll make fun of you for falling for such scams. Pay no attention to them or their laughter. Warn your friends about these scams. Share the Grindr or Blued or PR profiles that are linked to this person. Tell everyone what the scam actually looks like so that everyone is warned. And I mean everyone—every newcomer in group meetings or pride marches or Facebook groups, every lonely queer person scouring the internet and cruising sites, ever senior queer person who is out of touch with the rest of the communities, literally everyone, should be aware of these kinds of scams that target them. We should know that this is not a new form of confidence trick, it’s just one that exploits some of our deepest fears. And above all, take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be good to yourself.

And the next time someone calls you from an airport, or anywhere else for that matter, and asks you to get him out of prison by paying his customs fine, the exchange rate interests for getting foreign currency, the cost of transferring foreign currency into your account, the parking fees for his flight, the recycling fees for his paper cup of coffee, for the bordello fees, or any-fucking-thing at all, don’t do it. Even if the person is someone you’ve chatted with for months. Even if you have had cybersex with him. Even if you had hoped to marry him and give birth to your two dogs and three kids or some such, don’t do it. Just stop.

Recognise that this is a scam. And take a deep breath. And tell the polite customs officer or accountant or whoever is on the call that you’ll call back as soon as you’ve washed your hair and ironed your car.

Cut the call.

Then take another deep breath and call your lawyer, the police, and get the f#ckers put in prison.

Love,

Vinay Chandran

Peer Counsellor, SAHAYA Helpline

Executive Director, Swabhava LGBTQIA+ support services

Please contact the following for counselling or to just talk about your experience. Please add contacts of counsellors near you…

Bangalore: Call Sahaya Helpline on 08022230959 or email on swabhavatrust@gmail.com
Chennai: Contact Orinam at orinam.net@gmail.com or message (WhatsApp/Signal/Telegram) +91 98415 57983

Contact any of the following lawyers if you have experienced something like this. 

Bangalore:
Arvind Narrain: anarrain@gmail.com
Kunal Ambasta: kunal.ambasta@gmail.com

Chennai:
Contact orinam.net@gmail.com to be linked with a  queer-friendly lawyer.

Every weekend it is someone new.

Some of them tall, some short, some dark and some fair.

Sometimes it’s pizza, sometimes a cup of tea.

Sometimes a bright and breezy evening by the beach, sometimes a dimly-lit fancy restaurant.

Every time, there’s a less familiar face in front of me and a menu that eventually does become familiar.

I’ve done this for a while. Even the waiters and the tea vendors are starting to notice now.

Sometimes the pasta is bland, other times, the coffee perfectly brewed.

Sometimes I find the memories of the conversations worthy of being cherished forever.

Sometimes I regret having done it at all.

Some make it to more than one meet. Some remain one-hit wonders. Some make me dream of one day making a family with them. Some make me feel insecure and insignificant.

It does get tiring sometimes. The same routine, only swapped by the people and the place and the food.

But I am still hungry. For food, for conversations and for companionship.

And I will continue to keep having, these weekends, in hopes of finding, the perfect combo that I am craving.

Hello Everyone,

I decided to write this blog as it is a part of this new phase of my life where I would like to live more honestly and with more authenticity – at peace with myself and with the world.

Well this blog is about difference – my difference. I am sure you all agree that we are all different – no two persons are the same. It is our differences that define us – and yet we are also much more similar than we are different

– and it our similarities that unite as a group of colleagues, as a family, as a society and ultimately as humanity.

As for our differences, if people around us – family and friends – praise our difference, then we are happy to flaunt it (it could be a sporting ability, an uncommon talent or any ability that is rare) but when the difference is

something that we know or fear that society doesn’t/wouldn’t approve of or at least looks down upon, then we hide that difference. And that’s what I did too.

But now finally, I am done with that hiding and I am writing to you as I wanted to let you know about my difference and as you might have guessed, it happens to be something very personal. And that’s probably why I am not very certain of the reaction that this will evoke but if I go by my recent conversations on this at my workplace with my manager, my peers, my direct reports, and outside workplace with my close friends and few others on this matter, then I am quite optimistic that it will be by and large positive. Even if it is NOT, it won’t affect me as I am not doing this to seek anybody’s approval – I don’t need that – I am just trying to be honest.

And those of you who know me either through our association in the military or outside, if you feel differently about me after you read what follows, then please don’t worry – I’ll understand as I respect your right to your views/opinion/stand.

So, here goes – I wanted to let you know that I’m gay – and that I’m very proud that I’m gay.

Feeling ‘different’

Anyway, one of the first things that most people ask when someone gay ‘comes out’ to them – is – ‘when did you first know’. Well to be really honest, when I was a youngster I wasn’t clear – though through my teenage years in high-school. I just knew I was a little different.

Lately, I have wondered how was it that it that through my late teens and early twenties, I didn’t feel much of this side of me – and it took a some very recent retrospection, a recalling of an old painful memory that I had almost forgotten – a memory that would have probably stayed buried deep in my heart had I not been forced to summon it in search for answers. This memory was of a relatively minor bullying that I had experienced in high school. The physical intensity of that bullying may have been relatively mild, but it most certainly seems to have affected me psychologically, at a deeper level. This incident happened when I was about 15 years old and at that age when puberty has set in and hormones racing through those young bodies induce feelings of attraction for the opposite sex in adolescents – which in turn makes young boys stare at girls and girls to check out the boys – there I was drawn to this rather cute looking boy in class. He probably noticed me looking at him a few times and one day decided to ‘teach me a lesson’ in the only manner young boys know best. He surrounded me with some of his close friends and pushed me to the ground holding me by the neck and uttered some expletives and probably that was the end of it. The physical violence was not brutal – far from it – in fact, it was not even a fraction of the intense blows and hard punches that so many gay kids have endured (and continue to endure) – violence that has left them scarred physically and much worse, traumatized psychologically. Despite that, it most likely drove home a message – a wrong message – but one that gay kids the world over learn from such incidents of bullying – that what I was feeling was ‘wrong’, ‘bad’ or ‘sick’, and if I continued to heed those feelings it could provoke much worse violence that would only hurt me physically and mentally – and so it was best to ‘conform’. And just like that those feelings got deeply repressed and probably resurfaced not suddenly but slowly through my mid-twenties.

Realizing I’m gay and struggles with self-acceptance

That is probably why I went through my late teens and early twenties without feeling anything close to what can be called romantic attraction or love. Through those years at the National Defence Academy (NDA) and Indian Military Academy (IMA) and through subsequent years as a Young Officer in the army, I felt no romantic attraction towards or love for anyone. But by my mid-twenties, when those feelings started slowly resurfacing, I started understanding that I was gay – that means I felt like a man and also identified as a man – and I felt attracted to other gay men or men who I thought were gay – but then it was also a question of accepting myself for who I was which I was not ready to do. So, I went through my mid-twenties struggling really badly to accept myself – and the hyper straight world of the army only made it that much more difficult for me. However, by my late twenties, after months of drinking and wondering and questioning why I was different and crying myself to sleep over it, I finally came to terms with myself and accepted myself for who I was.

But after I accepted myself, I felt that this had to be my ‘big secret’ and there was no way I could tell anyone. After all, as far as most of the world is concerned someone who is gay is basically a freak, a weirdo, someone fundamentally flawed. Or at least that’s how most people thought back then and even today quite many feel that way – and that’s the way most young gay guys end up feeling about themselves, me included. And besides if I had told anyone ‘officially’ in the army, I could very well have been discharged dishonourably, kicked out. And I was still relatively young – struggling to decide what to do about my situation – I loved the army but I was just beginning to feel that I will not be accepted for who I was. But with no idea on what to do, I had no option but to keep my secret to myself.

Pressures to marry and coming out to my family

Initially I didn’t tell anybody – not even my parents – or closest friends. Then when my parents started pressurising me to get married – I decided I am not going to cave into their pressure and be dishonest and lead a double life out of fear of society or relatives. So, I wrote them a long emotional letter saying that I have decided that I don’t want to marry. I further said – Don’t ask me why because I can’t tell you. It broke my heart as it probably broke theirs. But then that was not to be the end of it – for little did I know that my parents would not give in so easily and so when I came I home on leave from some posting somewhere, my parents had arranged a meeting for me to see a girl and meet her family. The moment I heard that I was very angry as they didn’t seem to want to honour my request to be left alone. But why would they have – they were only looking to find me happiness in life – or at least that’s what they would have thought they were doing. I wanted to tell them everything then and there and cancel that upcoming meeting but that could have been very shocking and stressful for them. So, I had no choice but to play along then – and I thought I will tell them no more matchmaking after this. So I and my parents drove down to another town to see the girl and meet her family – as expected, my parents had done their homework – good family, educated girl, very beautiful too – but one look at her and I thought to myself I don’t want to cheat her and myself – and I certainly don’t want to lead a double life. But I wasn’t yet ready to tell my parents – and since the decision on a life partner is something really important and complex, I must have made something up like ‘I didn’t feel a connection’ or something like that. But I realized that my parents were just getting started and I wasn’t willing to go through any more of that charade. And I realized the only way that I could stop them was if I came out to them and sometime not much later, I decided to come out to them.

It was obviously a very difficult decision and I was very emotional as I realized that it also meant telling my parents that I will end up denying them the happiness and pleasure of seeing any grandchildren on my family-line. And more than that I was worried that I may be disowned, thrown out of the family (it is not uncommon – in fact, younger gay kids, the world over, are often thrown out of their families, rendered homeless and many go on to take their own lives – in many countries, suicides by young gay men account for a disproportionately large share of suicides by young men). In my case, it was not like I needed them for financial support, but I certainly needed them for a sense of belonging – something that probably all of us yearn for. Anyway, I was lucky that right around that time, NDTV was running a program – I think it was We, The People – an open house discussion on the subject of homosexuality. Not that I wouldn’t have told them otherwise, but it certainly could make things a little easier for me. So that day, I told them I wanted to talk to them but before that I made them see the NDTV program and then choking with emotion, I came out to them. My mother initially didn’t understand – so my father explained – and her first reaction after that was – ‘so what you’re still my son and I love you no matter what’. My father said that I needn’t worry and that I will always be part of the family. That was obviously a big relief for me – my parents had accepted me. And then sometime later, I came out to my younger brother – whom I love very much – and he was fine too though he was sad for me. And then slowly over next few years, I came out to the few people in my life I was very close to – few cousins, my best friend from high school (Yasas, a straight guy and a big support and ally), even few of my closest course-mates in the three services. And then I stopped as I didn’t think anyone else needed to know as this was my very private matter – and that was my stand for the last many years. But I must add that hiding myself and evading questions on marriage, love etc was a burden that stressed me constantly.

Out of the army and the burden of hiding

And then as things happened, I realised my family needed me to be with them or at least closer home. So finally, I decided to leave the army. But I would be lying if I said that my being gay was not one of the reasons. And though it was not the top reason, fact is I had got tired of my colleagues and more than them, their wives, constantly asking me why I hadn’t got married yet or when was I planning to get married, etc. And in early 2010, after my second request for premature discharge was accepted, I left the army. As I look back now, I must say I really loved the 11 and ½ years that I served in the army – it made me a stronger person, it took me to different parts of this wonderful country, exposed me to different cultures and traditions, gave me an opportunity to serve the country in operations (including leading troops in counter-terrorist operations) in the most trouble torn parts of this country (the North-East and later Kashmir).

After I got out of the army, I was lucky to work for ‘equal opportunity’ employers like Amazon (my last company) and now a financial services MNC. I drew comfort from the fact that these companies called themselves equal opportunity employers – since it made me feel that I would NOT be discriminated against even if someone got to know I was gay or if I were to come out. Yet I chose to not be open about it – not even to colleagues close to me

– as I felt that it was a very personal/private matter, and it needn’t get in between my professional equation with them.

The other thing that hiding did to me over these many years, even though I was not out, was – it made me feel like an outcast in society – ostracised and unwelcome – so I withdrew from family, from good friends and warm acquaintances – for fear that if they knew the real me – they would probably hate me. And when I withdrew, many of them – especially those who had helped me and to whom I was ever grateful in my heart, mistook me to be a selfish, mean character.

So as you can probably understand, hiding has been a very heavy burden to carry and it has bogged me down for years but now finally I feel I’m done with hiding this part of me. In fact, whenever I have heard my equal opportunity employers make that seemingly cliched pitch to LGBT folks saying – Get your complete self to work – I used to think to myself if only I could. But now I can certainly say that – yes, I am getting my complete self to work, and I am done holding part of myself back. And while this might seem like a strong statement to you but to be honest, for me this whole experience of ‘coming out more openly’ has been powerfully liberating. I am beginning to feel free….

So, I have just got started with my workplace – I had already come out to my manager, my peers, my direct reports, and a few others at work and – and also to friends from my school days, close coursemates in the three services, old colleagues, other close friends, among others. I then published a blog similar to this one on my company’s Pride intranet site earlier this month and it has been very well received. I was appreciated for having the courage to be my authentic self so openly and for inspiring other gay men and LGBT folks in the company.

I feel that since I served in the military, my story could touch the lives of gay men serving – perfectly fine professional and fit officers and soldiers – who are forced to hide themselves out of fear of discrimination/persecution or it may touch people who served and are now out of the military but struggled similarly like me or more importantly it could inspire gay men who are military aspirants. I am also sure my blog will also help many people form an informed opinion on the question of gay men serving in the military. That’s why I wanted my story to be published on the website of a major channel like NDTV – or The Hindu – both well-known for their liberal values. Incidentally the NDTV story came out just days before my 45th birthday on 3rd July – a perfect birthday gift – I was finally entirely free…,

Now some of you may be wanting to ask me why did I decide to come out at all and why now – well there’s a bit of a personal story behind that and you will have to bear with me as I tell you about it.

Why I decided to come out and what finally led to it

Well, a few months back, I was chatting with one of my very few gay friends and I was telling him about how I felt down and lonely sometimes and he suggested that I read a book called The Velvet Rage by Dr Alan Downs, a Ph.D, a psychologist and psychotherapist – who is gay himself. In the introduction, the author talks about how lives of gay men all over the world are almost similar in that they go through three phases and I thought to myself

• How is that even possible? Research says that anywhere between 5 to 10% of male population is gay – so my initial thought was how can the lives of millions of gay men throughout the world be similar – but I can tell you by the time I read up the whole book, I realized that the author was completely right and what he had written sitting in faraway America was also true about my life here in India. I had pretty much gone through the first two phases and was wondering if I will ever reach the third Anyway, the first phase – which he calls – Overwhelmed by shame – refers to our early years when we realize that we are different and that society looks down on that difference – so much so that you begin to think you are fundamentally flawed, a freak and absolutely unlovable – this obviously leads to an overwhelming sense of shame that you carry for most part of your life. The second phase, which he calls, Compensating for Shame – refers to the phase when gay men look for ways to escape that overwhelming shame – could be, drugs, alcohol, casual sex, chasing success at work, trying to look more beautiful or masculine, etc., – basically any means to neutralize that toxic shame and find validation. The third phase – is what he calls – Cultivating Authenticity – which is when all the means that the gay man had previously employed to validate himself no longer seem to work and the only thing that can right his life is if he tries to live his life with authenticity ‘without the influence of shame’, ‘without the need to compensate for his inadequacies or to escape the pain of his shame/emotions through addictions’. [Page XIV of intro by the author to the second edition of The Velvet Rage.]

Honestly speaking, I found the book intensely therapeutic and seriously life changing – so I read it twice – rather had it read out to me (by eBook Reader) on my hour long drives in my jeep from home to office and back and after that I thought to myself – well, I have gone through these two phases [phase two was a little limited, but I too had gone through one – when I drank heavily to escape my shame/loneliness/misery – the only saving grace was that whether it was when I was in the army or at IIMB or in my current company, I couldn’t have drunk uncontrollably and wallowed for days in my sadness – after all I had to show up for work (or class) next morning. And I further thought to myself – when will I move to the third phase in my life as a gay man and before that do I even want to move to the third phase – by killing that shame that has crippled my life – by living more at peace with myself and with the world and living more honestly with the world by being openly out. And the book motivated me decide that at some point of time not too far from then, I do want to move to the third phase and live with more authenticity. And that is how I finally embraced the idea of coming out openly one day.

And as luck would have it right around the same time (8-9 months back), another set of totally unrelated events, decided when I would come out – and it all started with a treadmill. Thing is, I had been slowly getting out of shape over the last about 3-4 years and my weight was approaching 100kgs and after having been quite fit in my younger days in the army, I just didn’t want to get into triple digits – so I thought of buying a treadmill – and since I knew that once I started working out I would go all out – I needed something heavy-duty – so after much research, I went for an imported piece, Sole F63T – and then started slowly working out. And to keep my mind occupied while working out, I started watching all the movies and documentaries that I had recorded on my TataSky set-top box. However within a month or so I had finished seeing most of them and by then thanks to ‘The Velvet Rage’ and the workouts, I was beginning to feel more conscious of my gay identity and so I started looking for documentaries/movies with a gay theme – and though over the years, I had seen a quite a few of the well- known films with a gay theme (like Philadelphia, Milk, Brokeback Mountain etc), I was looking for more stories about lives of gay men from around the world. And thankfully I found lot of content, movies from all over the world, from the US, Canada and the UK and to the middle east and India to South-East Asia, Japan and Australia. And as some of you may expect, most of them tend to be sad – about struggles against society’s discrimination, relationships that can’t survive social pressures, or one of the men is killed, or fate separates the two men etc., Then when I was again running out of material to watch, my best friend from school (a straight guy and a big support) suggested that I try NetFlix and I did. And after seeing some movies, I came across this series called The American Crime Story, Second season – on the Assassination of Gianni Versace. Though I am not much into fashion, I was curious, and so I read up about Versace to learn that he was a rich, world famous Italian fashion designer who was also gay and while I had heard of the world famous fashion brand he had created but I did not know much about the man behind it or how he died. And I wondered thinking here was a gay man who was as successful as probably any gay man can get – his fashion empire included more than hundred fashion boutiques throughout the world, he lived in a mansion by the sea in posh Miami (Florida, US), owned a fleet of luxury cars, and was courted by the rich and famous of the world – how did he die ?

And as I read up reviews before seeing the series, I found that Versace was killed by a serial killer – a deranged gay young man with a history of a troubled childhood.   The seral killer had killed four professionally successful gay men. And after reading that I thought to myself, how sad is that…. And what a pity.   Shunned by the world, we needed solidarity amongst us but here was one of our own who meticulously plotted and killed not just one but four of us and not just any four of us but four successful ones at that (and another straight man in an unplanned homicide). The fourth and last to be killed was Versace after which the FBI, which had already launched a US nationwide manhunt for him surrounded him – that’s when the serial killer killed himself. The third was a famous real-estate developer (speculated to be closeted and leading a double life), the second was a young, successful and upcoming architect who was gay (by the way, when I out of high school I had wanted to be an architect and for someone like me it would have turned out really great as architecture needs the left brain as well as the right brain but life had other plans) and the first to be killed was a young naval officer who was gay.

The episode on the gay naval officer depicts events in his life before he was brutally murdered – events set in the nineties when US military followed the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy (I’m sure most of you may know that until recently most militaries throughout the world did not allow gay men or LGBT folks to serve openly – however, today many countries in the world– especially in the West and South-East Asia allow members of the LGBT community to serve openly. However, the US had this intermediate phase – where it followed a policy called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ – basically meaning Military commanders shouldn’t ask (their likely LGBT subordinates about their sexuality) but the subordinates shouldn’t tell either (if they did they would be forced out of service – either honourably or dishonourably). The episode showed the life of this young motivated and committed officer onboard the American naval ship USS Gridley. The episode depicted one incident, in which a sailor is being violently beaten by another surrounded by a group of onlooking and cheering sailors. That’s when this officer happens to pass by on his rounds, hears the commotion and rushes to the scene and breaks up the men. When asked the assaulter says “f****t tried to brush up against me” and just then the victim who has just gotten back on his two feet, pulls one solid punch and knocks down his attacker and says “I’m sorry, Did I touch you?” and then the officer yells “Alright, we’re even” and disperses the men. And then a another incident follows, this time that same gay sailor who had had the ‘audacity’ to hit back his straight attacker has been tied up – so now he can’t even fight back and he’s being thrashed by his fellow sailors with socks filled with solid soaps and belts and again this officer happens to notice it and breaks up the attack. And then he sits the injured sailor down in a quiet corner and tell him that he needs to go to a doctor but the sailor, possibly frustrated by a series of such physical attacks, cries out in pain and frustration – “I need out – get me out – get me reassigned” – implying ‘I can’t bear these assaults anymore – get me out of the navy or get me on another ship’. The officer is moved by his pain but can’t tell him that he too is gay and that he fully understands his plight – so he tries to indirectly signal that to him with his eyes and the sailor understands and grabs his hand seeking help and then rests his head on the officer’s shoulder while he is still fighting the pain from his injuries. And then just as this officer is comforting the sailor and patting him on his head, a straight officer happens to pass by noticing the two of them sitting together – it is obvious what he would have thought – why is this officer comforting this gay sailor – he too must be gay. And then the officer’s harassment starts – the officer who noticed the incident makes insinuating statements/jokes on the breakfast table much to the amusement of other officers seated with them. And then as if this is not enough, the young officer is summoned by the Captain of the ship after having heard the rumour/suspicion about the young officer and the Captain then hands him a pamphlet on the Code of Conduct and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell etc., and asks him to go through it then and there. All this obviously increases the officer’s sense of harassment and persecution and this is followed by a scene where the officer gets into full ceremonial uniform and attempts to hang himself. He is shown choking, his face all red, ready to kill himself but then since he was not a chair or some stool that he could have kicked off, he manages to stop himself (though he later meets death at the hands of the serial killer). Having been in a similar situation as that officer when I was serving in the army – serving with a fear of persecution – I was possibly subconsciously relating myself to him and his plight.

But that shot of this officer struggling on the noose just hit me very very hard – and though it was probably not a conscious thought then – but what I felt was that – that could very well have been me. I had been a disciplined and committed officer and like all military officers, I too had been trained hard to be mentally strong – yet if I were faced with similar circumstances where I had to endure harassment and discrimination, even I may have been broken and driven to take my own life. I must add that despite feeling a lack of meaning in life many times, I have never contemplated suicide and so when I thought that this could have been me – it filled me with a deep sense of anger and stinging sorrow. And I further thought how many more of us will you beat up, how many more of us will you kill, how many more of us will you force to take our own lives. And though I had finished my work out by 3.30am and was trying to sleep but I just couldn’t. I just lay there totally disturbed – angry and sad at the same time. Finally at around 7am, I decided – That’s it, enough is enough – I am done hiding – I am ready to tell everyone that this is me – if you accept me for who I am – well and good – else it’s your problem and this was also going to be my way of showing my defiance – defiance of heteronormativity. The moment straight folks hear that phrase – questioning or defying heteronormativity, they start thinking that that’s the “Gay Agenda” of the gay community – to convert straight folks gay. But as you (hopefully) understand, you cannot turn a straight person gay and just as equally you cannot turn a gay person straight. It doesn’t work that way. Yet all over the world, parents (of gay boys) with a regressive mindset subject their boys to these conversion therapies (which are illegal to begin with and which are often run by quacks with no formal medical qualifications) and in the process break that boy’s self-esteem, deeply traumatizing him. Also, also let me add that this defiance bears no grudge or enmity against straight people. It’s merely about informing the ignorant among the straight folks that while you may be the majority, don’t assume that that sexuality is simple and binary. There are natural variations which form a small minority, like members of the LGBT community – understand them and accept them.

Finally, at 7am that morning, having decided to come out, I emailed my manager  who had joined the company a little over a year back and was visiting the US that time. I wrote to her saying that I wanted to meet her urgently to discuss something very personal and that while I knew she would be busy with meetings with senior management in the US, I wanted to meet her badly even if it was for just 15-20 minutes. She is a very understanding and empathetic person and could possibly make out from my email that it was something serious so she replied saying she will make some time for us to meet. And within an hour of my coming into office, she messaged saying let’s meet in 10-15 minutes and then I scrambled to find a video-conference room and though I had been worked up the whole night, I had managed to put on a brave and impassive face after getting into office but now sitting in front of her all my anxiety returned – for here I was – about to tell her my biggest secret – something that she may be shocked to hear – and yet I had made up my mind that no matter what the consequences are on my relationship with her or anyone else in the organisation, I was going to come out. And then the moment she saw me, she could make out that I was very disturbed – she asked me if I was okay and that we can talk later if I didn’t feel well – however I insisted that I wanted to talk then and there – and after a long round of disclaimers and background statements including that though today the law was not against me but just a year ago, I could have been looked upon by law as a possible criminal etc., (which probably only got her even more worried about what I was going to say) – I finally came out to her. Her first reaction was that she was perfectly fine with that – and that she fully supports me. I told her about my past and what led me to this decision. And then she said if this is what I wanted to tell her about myself then I should not feel so emotional – I tried to explain that while I fully agree with her but years of fighting shame isn’t easy especially after it has made you wonder if you’re a freak and after it has corroded your sense of self-worth. She heard me patiently all the while with complete empathy and mentioned how she had come across many gay men in her previous organization (Goldman Sachs) And since Goldman has had a policy of asking new joiners if they wished to reveal their sexual orientation, many did reveal and those who did went on to meet up others like them in the company supported LGBT ERG or Employee Resource Group – to find support and advice.

Then I told her that I wished to come out more openly – to my immediate peers, to managers reporting to me and ultimately to everyone in the organisation and that didn’t mean that I was looking to grab a mic and make an announcement or shoot off an all staff email – but I certainly wished to be totally open about it. She asked me why though – you have told me and you can tell others you are comfortable telling – to which I said, if I did that then I need to keep worrying who told whom, who else knows etc., – and this is more than that – I am trying to make a point here – which is that – I am done hiding from the world – and I am ready to let everyone know that this is who I am – and I am not ashamed of who I am – in fact, I am proud that I am gay. If you accept me, fine else that’s your problem. I also want to throw this burden that I have been carrying all these years – and I want to live more freely and breathe more easily without worrying about the world.

And besides this is not just about me – it is also about other young lads in office today who are gay and are probably suffering with that shame every day like I have. You never know, one of them may be thinking of taking his own life or harming himself – he may stop after he reads my story or if someone else read my story and derived some courage thinking if I could come this far, not professionally, but survived this long I mean – then maybe he can too – or after reading my story, if someone were to want to meet me, just to talk or ask for advice, then I would most sincerely want to meet and seriously tell him – My friend, there’s nothing wrong with you – you are perfectly fine the way you are – be proud of who you are, or better still if my story could inspire more people to come out then that would be really, really nice.

And after subsequent discussions by my manager with HR, we decided that a blog would be a good way for me to come out and that is how my ‘coming out’ blog at my company blog came about.

Advice for Allies

As part of this blog, I would also like to offer some advice to allies and well-meaning friends on what they must know and things they must keep in keep in mind regarding their LGBT friends –

• First and foremost, you must be absolutely clear and convinced yourself that homosexuality is completely natural and not some abnormal medical/psychological condition that needs correction/treatment. As an FYI from a scientific or medical perspective, in the U.S., homosexuality was dropped from the list of psychological/psychiatric conditions/illnesses way back in 1973 after the American Psychiatric Association took the lead and removed the ‘diagnosis of homosexuality’ from the second edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (or DSM) and this was followed by several medical bodies throughout the world gradually doing the same. The International Classification of Diseases of the WHO removed homosexuality from the list of psychiatric disorders in Certain members of the Indian Psychiatric Society first took a clear stand on this in 2012 (that homosexual orientation is a natural variant of human sexuality) ^[1].
• Confront your own assumptions, prejudices, and biases, even if they make you There is great deal of information on Google, YouTube and LGBT media that can help shatter your prejudices and biases.
• And please read up more on the natural diversity in human sexuality – it will certainly improve your understanding of not just LGBT struggles and challenges but also how bereft of basic happiness most of our/their lives are. And how basics that most straight folks take for granted in their daily lives are still so difficult for LGBT folks – dating, romantic relationships, boyfriends/girlfriends, marriage, children, etc – either LGBT folks wouldn’t have these joys in their lives or if they do have a few of them then they wouldn’t be able to talk about them
• If you think that someone you know may be gay (or LGBT), hold that thought but do not directly mention it to the individual and certainly do not talk about it to others who may not have the maturity or the trustworthiness to keep that to And certainly, don’t ask that person directly if he is gay. You may think you are being helpful or that you’re doing it out of a sense of concern or because you want to express your support but in doing so you may only alarm and distress him for you chose to talk to him about his sexuality when he hadn’t even thought about having that serious conversation with you and much worse, you may push him further into the closet or further away from you as he may fear that you may treat him differently or that you may not want to have anything to do with him after he accepted he was gay or worse still that you may tell others.
• Express your support in other indirect ways – you may indicate your open-mindedness in a broad manner, and in a much more reassuring way by merely saying that in general, everyone has a right to their sexuality and that to you someone’s sexuality is not a factor that dictates/determines your friendship with
• Never ‘out’ anyone, intentionally or unintentionally – the decision to come out is very personal one and it is that individual’s right to make that decision for himself. And no one else has that right. And as for coming out, anyone gay should come out only when he is ready and should never be forced by others. Please remember that if you ‘out’ someone, you could unintentionally end up causing him immeasurable anguish which may take years to get over – in extreme cases, it may drive the guy to take his own
• If someone comes out to you, please be sensitive, empathetic and supportive – please realize that the person coming out to you may have probably thought about it several times before deciding to have that conversation and must have really found you to be someone significant in his life – a close/good friend or source of support or may be just someone he has a lot of regard for. Also please realize that in all likelihood, sharing his sexual orientation with you means a lot to him – as he wants to be honest with you. And he would have mentally prepared himself for the worst-case scenario of your reacting negatively. If you are a true ally, then you will probably reassure him after he comes out that this doesn’t change your equation with him. If you genuinely feel happy that he chose you to be worthy of his trust – to share his most difficult truth, then the least you can do is respect that trust and live up to that trust by having the courtesy and civility to not talk about it to others. Please remember if your gay friend (or LGBT friend) has not come out openly but he has come out to you then letting others know is solely his right and it his thing – you don’t get to advertise it and talk about it like some juicy piece of gossip – doing that is irresponsible and insensitive behaviour in the
• Also, as an ally, please do your bit to discourage anti-LGBT comments and jokes – for they only make it even more difficult for gay men/LGBT folks to feel accepted in your midst, and in society. So, if you hear such comments or jokes, please let your friends, family and co-workers know that you find them
• Have the civility/decency to not ask questions about sex or physical intimacy – it is none of your business. If it is not appropriate to ask a straight person such questions then how is it appropriate to ask an LGBT person such questions ? It is not only inappropriate, it is rude and condescending. If he has come out to you, then your acquaintance is seeking acceptance as an LGBTQ person, and as an equal human being – and he certainly doesn’t expect to be treated as some walking sexual fetish open to your indecent probing
• Defend your LGBT friends against discrimination. Occasions are likely to arise when you may be required to stand up or speak up in favour of your LGBT friend/s and against their harassment or discrimination. In some cases, yours may be the only voice in their support but it can provoke and encourage others around to think more compassionately, liberally, positively – and most importantly, it will signal changing attitudes and growing acceptance to those who hear
• Please be mindful of and sensitive towards the fact that though we are making progress, life continues to be more difficult for LGBT folks in general – be it in basic matters like finding friendship/companionship or more serious life related matters like adoption rights, social/official/state recognition of their spouses, spousal rights including inheritance rights etc on which we haven’t even started the conversation as a society or be it in even more serious matters, like the mental and psychological struggles with shame that they go through every day navigating their lives in a world dominated by straight men and the straight majority. [Since I spoke of adoption, I want to mention that I would have certainly considered myself fortunate if I had had the right to adopt a child or have a child through surrogacy, irrespective of whether I was single or not – but the laws have denied me that happiness)
• And if you are a true ally, you must genuinely believe that everyone regardless of their gender identity and sexual orientation should be treated with a sense of equality, respect and dignity – because only that can translate into true empathy and support for someone who has grown up believing that the world can only hate
• ^[1] – http://www.indianjpsychiatry.org/article.asp?issn=0019-5545;year=2012;volume=54;issue=1;spage=1;epage=3;aulast=Sathyanarayana

Lack of role models and relating to gay struggles no matter where in the world

Also, we need to realize that as luck would have it, unfortunately, in India we have very few gay role-models that young gay men can look up to. And to make matters worse, popular media (films and television) continue to stereotype us – leading most people to believe that that’s the only type of gay man there is. It is true that some gay men express themselves in a manner that is considered effeminate – maybe they find that the best way to express their true selves and what’s wrong with that. Yet it is equally likely that there are seemingly effeminate or metrosexual men who are straight. And it is also equally true that while most gay men (including me) tend to me a little more sensitive than straight men but we also come in all shades/shapes/sizes – and at the other end of the spectrum you may find an extremely muscular hulk of a guy, more macho than your average straight man, who is gay – so don’t be surprised then.

Also, I am sure some of you must be wondering that I have written about being affected by stories of gay men in other parts of the world – how do I relate to them or identify with them. Well truth is – across the world, gay men have suffered similarly and that leads to a sense of solidarity – for we are all fighting the same battles – for acceptance, for equality, for rights.

Struggles as a gay vet

And I want to make one final point – which is what made my struggle even more difficult – which is that, for so many years, I have struggled with reconciling the ex-military part and the gay part of my identity – as if the two can’t/don’t fit together. But I have slowly realized that this was an absolutely unwarranted struggle that I had subjected myself to – probably driven by lower social acceptance levels in India. I probably didn’t even think of coming out earlier only because I was ex-military – as if my coming out would somehow be detrimental to the image of the army. I realize now I was so wrong to think that way. After all it is perfectly fine for gay men to serve openly in the military – and today so many countries in the world have allowed gay men to serve openly – and they have shown that it is indeed fine. So now I feel strongly that it is the duty of the LGBT community – especially those serving in the military, ex-military and especially LGBT military aspirants – to assert themselves more and convey that message clearly that given the changing times and social attitudes and especially given the very progressive Supreme Court judgement in 2018, it is time the government in general and the military leadership in particular, realized that we should change and also realize that –

• LGBT personnel serving in the military have the basic right to a life of dignity
• Openly LGBT military aspirants who are fit in every which way, have a right to serve their country

And I realized that while there are instances of discrimination even in militaries that have allowed members of the LGBT community to serve openly yet things also seem to be getting better in those militaries – so much so that two Apache attack helicopter pilots of the US Army – both gay men – got married in the Cadet Chapel at the United States Military Academy in West Point, New York – a wedding attended by 150 guests, including their flight squadron colleagues in Army service uniforms. (“Apache helicopters, the kind of aerial weaponry immortalized in Hollywood tough-guy films such as “Rambo” and “Black Hawk Down” — are among the US Army’s most revered killing machines, and those who fly them across enemy skies “have an attack mentality,” said Capt. Daniel Hall, a 30-year-old Apache helicopter pilot based at Fort Bliss, in Texas, one of the two men who got married” – Full Story @ New York Times article titled For Love of Country, and Each Other dt. Jan. 19, 2018 – https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/19/fashion/weddings/two-active-duty-soldiers-marry-in-same-sex-wedding-at-west- point.html). I shared the story with one of my batchmates from IIMB, feeling positive that if US army and so many other Western can change then years from now may be ours will too – but he sounded a cautionary note at my optimism by rightly commenting that – “Military acceptance will follow social acceptance. The military has never been a trendsetter when it comes to inclusion. Take gender for instance. For social acceptance it’s important that the hetero-normative ideal is challenged; that the alternatives become visible and stake their claim in society; that the society sees that the alternative is not something to be feared but just is”. But that also made me realize rather sadly that that only means given current acceptance levels in Indian society, it may be decades if not centuries before we see two Indian Air force pilots – both gay men (or both women/lesbians) marrying and their union being hailed by their fellow officers. However I certainly will voice my obviously strong opinion whenever/wherever I get the opportunity – and my opinion is that – with the Supreme Court having struck down Section 377 of the IPC – and with changing social attitudes in the country, it is time the military kept pace with the change.

In 2018, after the historic Supreme Court judgement read down section 377 of the IPC, press reporters asked General Rawat, the then Chief of Army Staff (and current CDS/Chief of Defence Staff) for his opinion on what it implied for the army and he made this statement – ‘Hum logon ke yahan nahi chalega’ (all this won’t work or won’t be acceptable in the Army). He accepted that the Army is not above the law but maintained that the Constitution does give it some independence. He further added about the army saying, “We are neither modernised, nor westernised”. Given this public statement in 2018 that homosexuality is unacceptable in the military, I would like to remind the sexagenarian general (obviously expected to be regressive in his thinking), that the army is not his royal inheritance that he can choose to run the way he pleases – it is an organization which owes its existence to the highest law of this land, the Indian Constitution and those serving in it, including serving gay personnel, are citizens of this country who have rights – and while some of the rights of those serving in the military may be rightly curtailed (like rights relating to freedom of speech and expression, freedom of assembly, and freedom to form associations and unions) – but he can NOT take away the fundamental right of serving gay men to a life of dignity, honour and self-respect and he also can NOT deny the right of LBBT military aspirants to serve openly in the future. He is also wrong on a whole range of other points in his statement on this matter and I wish to point these out to him.

Gay people and military service

I would like to list some facts that political leadership, bureaucrats, military leadership. as well as the general public must know/understand especially about homosexuality. I feel the need to mention these as many of you may have friends and relatives in the services and some of them may be gay and I would like to help you form an informed opinion on the matter –

• There is nothing Western about homosexuality – it has existed throughout the world ever since humanity has existed. Also, homosexuality has been found to occur across all continents, across all humanity, i.e., across all races and ethnicities, across all religions, across all Ironically, homosexuality doesn’t seem to discriminate. Therefore, as with society, a small percentage of personnel serving in any organization including the military would be gay (I was one of them).
• World as well as Indian history has many military characters who displayed streaks of homosexuality (including Alexander, the Great, Mughal Emperor Babur, Alauddin Khilji ). Indian temple sculptures from Konark and Khajuraho to the Kamasutra and other ancient literary materials contain enough references to evidence that ancient India accommodated a whole range of sexual behaviours. Historical literary evidence indicates that homosexuality has been prevalent across the Indian subcontinent throughout history, and that homosexuals were not necessarily considered inferior in any way until about 18th century during British colonial rule [2]. So, this is not a western concept or affliction. If there is/was anything western whatsoever in this matter, it was that regressive section 377 of the Indian Penal Code criminalizing homosexual acts, introduced by the British centuries ago. And yet UK and other progressive countries scrapped these draconian and regressive laws almost 50 to 60 years back – they had the sense to realize their law was outdated, wrong and unjust.
• Since large parts of the world fell to the British and the French in their colonisation drives in the 18th and 19th century, these regions in Asia and Africa ended up with either a section 377 of penal code in British colonies or section 347 of penal code in French colonies. It is this Western imposition that led to negative attitudes in these
• If LGBT personnel can serve their country in their militaries with pride, dignity and discipline in other countries, Indian officers and soldiers who are gay should be able to serve our military the same way, with pride and dignity .
• Lastly – about 50 countries in the world, mostly in the west and South-East Asia allow members of the LGBT community to serve openly – the change was mostly hard won. The judiciaries and political leaders in these countries, took the decision to change because it was the right thing to do and the progressive thing to do and because it was fair. And the last 10+ years have shown that it has not affected discipline, cohesion or the professionalism of their militaries – in fact, this decision has helped them prevent the loss of precious, well-trained resources like fighter pilots, elite commandos, linguistic experts.
• [2] – Ruth Vanita; Saleem Kidwai (18 October 2008). “Indian Traditions Of Love”.

Before finishing up this topic, I would like to highlight (for General Rawat’s attention/benefit) the important statements that each of the five-judges of the Supreme Court Bench made in in their unanimous and landmark verdict of 6th September 2018 which read down Section 377 of the IPC ^[3] ^[4]. By declaring publicly to not follow the verdict of the highest court of the country, the General has proved that he has not even read the main points from the judgement leave alone understanding the strong reasoning that the esteemed Judges gave for their historic decision – all of which, by the way, also apply to gay personnel serving in the Indian military and not just to civilian gay men. If he had read/understood the below messages, he probably wouldn’t have made those regressive statements. –

Reason why the Supreme Court Bench said they are reversing their own (regressive) decision of 2015 which brought back section 377 – a step back after the progressive 2009 decision by then Chief Justice of the Delhi High Court, Justice AP Shah to read down section 377 of IPC:

Section 377 is irrational and arbitrary. And because gay activists argued the police used Section 377 to harass and intimidate the gay community. (@ J Suresh : Not very different from what retention of the ban in the military has been used for and will continue to be used )

Justice Indu Malhotra, the only woman on that bench, made very strong and much needed statements:

• “History owes an apology to the members of this community and their families, for the delay in providing redressal for the ignominy and ostracism that they have suffered through the centuries. The members of this community were compelled to live a life full of fear of reprisal and persecution. This was on account of the ignorance of the majority to recognise that homosexuality is a completely natural condition, part of a range of human conditions”
• “The misapplication of this provision denied them the Fundamental Right to equality guaranteed by Article 14. It infringed the Fundamental Right to non-discrimination under Article 15, and the Fundamental Right to live a life of dignity and privacy guaranteed by Article ”
• “The LGBT persons deserve to live a life unshackled from the shadow of being ‘unapprehended felons’.”

Then Chief Justice of India, Justice Dipak Misra:

• “Discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is violation of freedom of speech and .. Bodily autonomy is individualistic. Expression of intimacy is part of right to privacy.”
• “The Constitution is a “dynamic document, having the primary objective of establishing a dynamic and inclusive ”
• “Attitude and mentality need to change to accept others’ identity and accept what they are and not what they should ”

Justice AM Khanwilkar:

• “Majoritarianism in “constitutionally untenable.” (@ J Suresh : The judgement clearly indicates that constitutional morality supersedes majoritarian/public ”)
• “We have to bid adieu to prejudices and to empower all citizens”.

Justice DY Chandrachud and Justice Rohinton Nariman:

• “Human sexuality cannot be confined to a binary”.
• “Section 377 travelled so much, that it has been destructive to LGBT “
• The archaic law “inflicts tragedy and anguish”, “it has been misused, forcing the LGBT community to live in hiding, as second-class ”
• “The media – television and radio – should give wide publicity to this judgment and its ”
• “The government and the police should also be sensitized to deal with such situations.”. (@ J Suresh : I wonder who is responsible to sensitize the top brass of the )

Justice Rohinton Nariman:

• “Homosexuality cannot be regarded as a mental disorder”
• ”Gays have the right to live with dignity.” (@ J Suresh : In General Rawat’s opinion, the gay men in the military obviously don’t have that fundamental right to a life of dignity – or at least, that’s what his statements implied – A clarification might certainly help)
• ^[3] – NDTV article @ https://www.ndtv.com/india-news/history-owes-gay-community-an-apology-say-judges-in-historic-verdict-1912241
• ^[4] – Full Text of Supreme Court Judgement reading down section 377 of IPC – https://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article24880700.ece/binary/Sec377judgment.pdf

Concluding this topic, I feel this is a difficult if not impossible battle that serving gay officers and soldiers in the Indian military and LGBT military aspirants have to fight for themselves. While I don’t belong to either groups, but I do belong to the third group which is not currently suffering the impact of this policy but which has certainly suffered quietly in the past and so I intend to provide whatever support I can to those currently affected, including raising my voice at appropriate forums. I may not be a someone important, but I do have a voice and I intend to use it whenever and wherever I can. Lastly, I want to highlight this fact, lest it goes ununderstood, that while today after the Supreme Court judgement of 2018, the many remaining battles for gays in rest of society are about civil rights but the battle for gays in the military is about basic human rights.

Advantages of my privilege and It is getting better & it will get even better

I would also like to add that I am fully aware of how fortunate I am to have the privilege of strong family support (my father, my mother and my brother), privileged social standing – my father’s as well as my own, good education, a mentally and physically toughening and character building military service, a supportive best-friend (ally – Yasas) from high-school days, supportive cousins and close friends especially my close coursemates from the three services, supportive equal opportunity employers, and supportive colleagues at work – especially a supportive manager, supportive peers and direct reports – as well as the advantage of exposure to LGBT progress and inclusion in western and south-east Asia/Asia-Pacific countries.. And it is due to this privilege and this exposure that I was able to gain the understanding, the freedom, the courage & confidence to come out boldly.

I also want to say that while I have written at great length and with acute poignancy on my fears of possible persecution or fears of dishonourable discharge, I also understand that so many from the LGBT community especially in India would have faced and must be continuing to face far worse challenges and going through far more difficult struggles. So, I have to accept that despite all my struggles, I still had it easy – at least easier than them. And as I say that I am reminded of the pain I felt while listening to the struggles of trans folks on the few Orinam meetings (LGBT Support Group) that I was able to attend in the last 7-8 months after I decided to come out at work. It was a humbling realization that trans people face far more difficult challenges day in and day out. But the optimist in me would like to believe in the cliched mutual support message in the LGBT community – It gets better.

And as I evaluate the current social situation across the world and particularly in India, though things haven’t gotten as good as I would have liked but there is hope. Even the situation in India seems to be improving, and acceptance levels are generally growing but we still have a long way to go. Thankfully, we recently had the first mainstream Hindi film to be centred entirely on the lives of two gay characters – Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhaan. The film was a good attempt to highlight the social and family prejudice that two gay young men in love face – and it managed to handle the rather sensitive topic of homosexuality in a positive and light-hearted way. I am certain the film was successful in furthering positive change in attitudes.

After I came out to one of my onshore partners, he said he feels it might be more difficult in India and asked me what I felt. I told him well there are two sides to the situation. At the family level, for most families in India, religion is unlikely to be a factor that will decide whether they will be accept their gay son where as in much of the western and middle-eastern world, the more deeply religious a family is, the more likely it is that they will disown or reject their gay son. But even in the religious space, there seems to hope, at least when Pope Francis is seen signalling more acceptance of LGBT people when he said, “If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?”. However, when it comes to the state, there is a really long way we have to go in India – it’s just been a year since we struck down the law that illegalized homosexuality. The West, especially Europe -specifically, the Scandinavian countries have been really very progressive – we in India, have had to fight a much more basic battle to NOT be considered criminals in the eyes of the law and now that that very basic first battle has been finally won in 2018 (after an initial win in 2009 and then a defeat in 2013) – we can now think of fighting for other rights – right to marriage/civil union, inheritance rights, adoption rights, right to serve openly in the military etc. And without these rights, the right to equality guaranteed by the Indian Constitution will be meaningless and I will remain second-class citizens as will my brothers and sisters from the LGBT community. So there’s obviously so much more to fight for and it is such a long road ahead. But we need to keep reminding ourselves on that long road, that it is getting better and it will get even better and we need to keep up the hope and the fight.

Why I am writing this blog

Anyway, coming back to me, firstly I am fully aware that by writing this blog, I have presented myself as a possible target for hate/ridicule. It is likely that people who would have not served even a single day in military service will arrogate to themselves the right to judge me and will question my fitness to have been an officer in the military or even my patriotism and they will most likely call me the filthiest of names – I might even receive hate from some in the three services but I don’t care – I can’t afford to – I have already suffered enough. More importantly, I am absolutely clear in my mind that I am doing the right thing – the discussion on letting gay men to serve openly in the military needs to start.

I was a loyal, disciplined and upright army officer and I consider myself very fortunate to have had the opportunity to serve in the military, So I am also doing this as a duty to better inform the top military leadership about this rather complex and sensitive subject on which they certainly have a clear stand but have very poor scientific or human understanding. All I am hoping for is the military leadership to be fair, humane and compassionate so that they can give their serving gay officers and soldiers their lawful fundamental right to a life of dignity, honour and self-respect. After all the military is hailed for its fairness and justice – values that I held dear even before I joined the military, values that were undoubtedly strengthened greatly during my service because every single day, I saw the military (including me) standing for them so strongly.

Another question I have for General Rawat is – now that you may have understood by now that the services would have always had some personnel who were gay – so are you now going to start investigations going two hundred and fifty years back into history and start investigating which soldiers were gay – after that do you plan to start chiselling out the names of those soldiers from the war memorials at India and from war memorials at various military garrisons and cantonments – Sir, You should knock those 5 to 10% names from these war memorials. Despicable guys they were, isn’t it ?

Also Sir, please don’t forget that all those concerns you have about gay men – effect on cohesion, morale etc, – all these arguments were been put forward against inclusion of women in the Indian military and so many other militaries throughout the world and against inclusion of blacks in the US armed forces and so many other militaries. Time has proved that all those concerns regarding inclusion of women, blacks and other excluded groups in various militaries were baseless and ridiculous to say the least. The only thing that matter is the individual capable, professional, disciplined.

Also irrespective of what General Rawat may have said and irrespective of his unreasonable stand on this matter – it is a fact that the world has seen tremendous progress on LGBT matters in the last 10-15 years as sensibilities and understanding both improve – in fact the LGBT fight is being called the next frontier for human rights – so it is only a matter of time before change in the military inevitably happens – of that I am very certain – if not sometime soon then certainly some time not too far away.

On a separate front, I also realise that my blog may cause pain to those who were forced to hide themselves by leading a double life and living a lie. The only thing I can say to them is – I did not wish to hurt you. You were a victim of your circumstances – however you can decide if you are willing to continue living a lie or are you willing to be honest to yourself and the people in your life who matter.

Also to those still living in the closet, I would like to repeat a dialog by the character, Dick Samuels, an old gay man, in a scene from the NetFlix  series ‘Hollywood’ – spoken as he laments life that has passed him by – “You spend your entire life trying to be this other person that one day it feels like you are on the shore and the other person is so far out and he’s going down and it’s too late. What’s worse is you are the person for letting it happen.”

Anyway, I have to get ready now for a churn in my inner circle – as some people who stood by me earlier will continue to stand steady while others leave – and new people join me. So, it is the beginning of a new (rather the next) phase of my life – one expected to be happier and more fulfilling, at least if I follow (as I intend to) Dr Alan Down’s advice.

Thank you for reading patiently

As I wind up, I realize, I have burdened you with this really long blog – and imposed my personal life and my opinions (on the various facets of this complex issue) on you. In case, you reached this far, I must thank you for your patience and admit that I am NOT trying to educate you – I certainly felt I must try to inform you so that you understand us a little better. And I was just trying to be honest about myself and also share my views on various issues related to my personal identity. As things stand, I have to move on and my way forward is that –not only am I going to be more openly and unapologetically ‘out’ but I also intend to work towards my community’s fight and struggle for acceptance and rights, participate in rallies and protests around the same. And speak about the issue in various forums – and since I could well be the first Indian military veteran to be openly gay – I intend to speak strongly on the question of allowing gay personnel (in fact all LGBT personnel) to serve openly.

Lastly, I would like to clarify again that I am not looking for anyone’s approval or sympathy. Acceptance – yes, hopefully – and – may be an honest attempt to understand me but nothing more. In fact, nothing can be better than things remaining just the same – after all I am still the same person – just that you know a little more about me. That’s exactly what I told in my first meetings with my direct peers and direct reports after I had come out (separately) to all of them.

And with that I will wrap up my message. With warm and sincere regards,

J Suresh

Flashes of the day ricochet back at me. Amma longingly looking at me as she describes her dreams of seeing me married, giving her grandkids, so she can cuddle and reprimand them, tell them stories  and forcefully feed morsels of food  as they run away from her. She conjures up the spirits of future grandchildren, in hopes that I will bring them to life. She speaks of the qualities my wife would have, and how she would finally have another woman in the family, she could confide to, another daughter.

And as she paints this picture of traditional domesticity, I stay silent. My heart breaks as I try to process these images. I cannot bear to reveal the truth that would destroy Amma’s dreams in front of her eyes, deny her the reality she aspires for.

I wish I were straight.

See, Indian society dictates that you are forever indebted to your parents and need to live your life on their terms, because they gave birth to you. A message that is drilled into your being.

Every time I try to interrupt her fantasies of my eventual marriage and her becoming a grandmother, Amma is quick to remind me that she had to carry me for ten months to give birth to me (an expression commonly used by Tamil mothers), and therefore the least I can do is bring her dreams to life.

Is my entire life only an attempt to repay the gift of her birthing me? Must I live every moment of my life in gratitude to my parents for my very existence?

How can I break Amma’s heart by telling her that I cannot fulfil her yearnings for a daughter-in-law and grandchildren?

That I want a husband, a man instead.

How can I?

I remain ensconced in this cozy closet, drawers filled with desires, dreams and hopes. I wonder… what if I were never to leave? What if I fulfill my parents dreams instead of mine? What will a loveless, joyless straight marriage look like? To have a sham marriage, to fake it till the very end, to not live my truth, to force myself into the supposedly normal life that Amma – and the world – wants me to lead?

These thoughts make my closet, formerly cozy, turn suffocating. I feel the air turn stale, and life ebbing from my body. How will it feel to die, holding close dreams that would never see the light of day? To forever lurk in this closet, with pictures of naked men, scratched off, torn on the sides, photographs of my future husband, his face blurry, pages upon pages of every sexual thought, repressed emotion, and pent up feeling, all decaying with time and disuse?

I shuffle through the innards of the closet and peer through the crack in its door, only to be confronted by complete darkness. No glimmer of light, or hope, in sight.

Maybe the closet is safer after all.

I retreat into its comforting arms, as I enter a dreamless slumber.

Acknowledgements: The image has been adapted from a photo in the Creative Commons.

My coming out journey began about four years ago. The first time was to a few queer men, strangers of course, on a dating app. One of the best decisions of my life was to attend the weekly Thursday meetings of Good As You, a support group for LGBTQIA+ community in Bengaluru, in 2016. It was my gateway to acceptance in many ways. Through the platform I came out to many more people in the queer community. Cupid’s arrow struck me, and so did the desolation of one-sided love! I needed my sisters’ emotional support then and I had to come out to them. I guess they are officially the first straight people I came out to! All that happened in a span of six months. Post- that, my coming-out cruise transcended from being emotional outbursts to a fun ride. I then came out to many of my friends and a few professors in college. There was a phase when my coming out to straight people was to prove to them that being gay is not my sole identity. I realized that the more I beg for sympathy, the more I am looked down upon. I changed my ways to more straightforward ones. Despite this cocky attitude I was not yet prepared to come out to my Amma and Appaji (mother and father)!

I had always shared my deepest and darkest secrets with my mother…yeah…I was that kind of kid; I still am! Until I was 20, my being gay was not an important secret. I enjoyed being unique in the sea of heterosexuals! I thought I would grow old in my bubble with my mother. Things went awry with bad career decisions and loneliness while I was working in Bengaluru. Though being gay was never the root cause of any of my problems, it somehow felt like one. When I was 26, my parents casually informed me of the marriage proposals for me coming their way. I firmly declined, and declared that I would marry a person of my choice and at my own free will. That was not yet the moment to come out! No, I was not prepared.

Falling in love with another man, making many new friends (it is important for a guy who grew up with no friends!), my journey of sculpting a new, confident, and effervescent ‘me’ – I wanted to share all these with my mother. But I quit my job to pursue MBA and that was the next hurdle. I knew many instances of parents disowning their kids when they came out. The emotional blow of being disowned was not what I was set for at that juncture. I postponed the coming-out encounter to the time after I got a job.

Fast forward to 23^rd December 2019… some of my friends in their teens have come out to their parents. The thought of coming out to my parents before officially crossing 30 years of age was now a question of my pride! On a serious note, I had equipped myself with knowledge, morale and love to do that. If not now, when? There was no more waiting. Apparently, dropping hints for the last five years and educating my mother about different aspects of LGBTQIA+ community were not enough for her to realize I am gay! My picture with my poster for Namma Pride 2017 march was printed in a Bangalore daily and my sister-in-law shared that on the family WhatsApp group proudly (not because I am gay, she does not know that yet! She was just excited I made it to the newspaper!). Nope! That didn’t do the job either! My ‘well educated’ and ‘well informed’ parents are too naïve, I guess. I had to come out officially!

I had informed Amma that my visit home this time is strictly for business – “It is to share something with Appaji and you”. She was unimpressed with the gravitas of my concern! She got busy with her preparations to feed her hostel-dwelling, college-mess fed, frail son! I guess I had to set things straight to come out as gay! I insisted that my parents clear their schedules for the next day. I had my playlist of YouTube videos ready to assist me in the process. Like an attorney rehearsing arguments of a case, I ran through the FAQs queer folk are asked when they come out.

On D-Day, my parents and I had a sumptuous breakfast and sat on our couch lollygagging. They were either too preoccupied or too strung out to ask me what I had to share with them. I belled the cat by playing a series of YouTube videos. The first one was about a lesbian couple; a Myntra video, ‘The Visit’, for its Anouk collection. The protagonist has invited her parents to introduce them to her partner! I guess it was too abrupt for my parents to comprehend. But, I had more weapons ready in my arsenal. I then played a Kannada short film, Freedom – a gay man’s partner comes out to his mother in a rather casual way over a phone call. That did it! My mother visibly swallowed the lump in her throat and innocently asked “Andre… en artha?…What does it mean?” Those abstract videos did intimidate my parents.

The third episode of Satyamev Jayate, Season 3, was the next video in my playlist for the occasion. As I watched it with my parents, I was surprised how well it was researched and shot way back in 2014. My parents pretended to be neutral as Gazal narrated her transformation story. I guess I knew what they were thinking. I clarified what gender identity means when my parents asked me about Gazal. They were awed by her parents’ support. It so appeared that Deepak’s casual and funny narration of his life story took the load off of my parents.

I then proceeded to ask them about their first sexual awakening, which was, obviously, met with their immediate raised eyebrows. They are from families that restricted them from such discussions! My mother shared stories of a guy asking her out and how she had run away from the scene and never met him again! To my “He was not wrong. He was bold enough to express his liking for you”, her scornful reply was “Namm kaaldalli adella henge?…These things would not happen in our times”. My father did not have a juicy story to match hers, but he said back then he was too scared of the society to even think of expressing his desires. Right before audience members in the Satyameva Jayate studio raised questions about homosexuality not being natural and why not change ‘sexual preferences’, my mother shot those questions at me! It was surprising, for she seldom asks questions about anything. Dr. Anjali came to my rescue as planned and answered the audience (my parents). My parents were bowled out by the logic that if they (my parents) cannot turn homosexual, there is no possibility of a gay man turning straight. To make sure that they remember stuff from my overdose of gay gyaan, I reiterated the fact that homosexuality is natural and not a disease and that Indian Psychiatric Society has stopped looking at homosexuality as a mental illness too.

It was time to drive the point home. I showed them the short film I had shot with a few of my friends in college a year ago. It was the video in which I come out as queer. I had made sure I maintained a calm demeanor in front of my parents until then. I got a bit jittery as I showed my video. It was a personal account after all!

My narration until then was very scientific and I had struck the emotional chords right too. My father reacted exactly as I expected him to. He was logical. He connected the dots well and was overwhelmed to see my newfound confidence. It was my mother with whom I had been speaking about the LGBTQIA+ community for the last five years, who could not come to terms easily. She bawled “Why did I have to get this curse?” There went my efforts down the drain! I chided her like how she used to teach me when I was a seven year old kid – “My sexuality has got nothing to do with you, nor with the way you have brought me up. It is as natural as my other innate qualities” and asked her to repeat it a couple of times!

I chronicled the judgement of Supreme Court of India scrapping section 377. I briefed them about Dutee Chand, the first Indian athlete to come out as gay in public. I reminded them that Vasudhendra, my favourite Kannada author is also gay. My mother’s sobs interrupted my protest about Indian government being unresponsive about marriage, adoption, surrogacy and other civil rights for queer people. My father was impressed when I questioned the provisions of Transgender Persons Bill 2019. I had never hidden from them about my attending Bangalore Queer Film Festival, Kashish in Mumbai, Pune International Queer Film Festival and Bangalore Pride march every time I’d gone there for the past four years. But until now, to them, these were, ‘just another film festival’ and a ‘yearly rally on social issues’. I had not revealed the queer angle of the events! I could see the glint of happiness in their eyes (even in the tear-glazed eyes of my mother!) when I told them about my queer-themed painting being showcased at Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS), Mumbai, as part of an exhibition by Pictures Against Prejudice before Mumbai Pride 2019. I rummaged through my Instagram page to show them my posters from the last four years of Bengaluru Namma Pride marches. They did appreciate my efforts to change the stigma in the society through my posters.

It was a role reversal that day! It was for the first time in three decades that my parents sat blinking eyes like ingenuous kids and I shared with them a slice of life, my life! I ensured my parents that they have provided me with a good education and imparted me life skills. I emphasized that I am capable of deciding what I need for my life, and that they should not worry about who would take care of me. Had I been straight and married a woman there would still be no guarantee of that! I confessed that I am in love with a man. I showed them pictures of gay couples who have been together for decades – some of them, my own friends. But I did warn them that my life may not be as rosy as the picture I had painted, and that I am prepared for it. I reiterated that, like my self-acceptance was a journey, they would have to embark on one too, and at their own pace. I offered to help them connect with doctors, psychologists and parents of other gay men.

What impacted them most was when I shared with them how happy I am after the self-acceptance phase, and that I do not want any compromises to stay happy in the future. The only difference of opinion we had was about coming out to the rest of my family and of course the prying neighbours and friends! I suggested they ward off marriage proposals from nosy kith and kin by saying that I will be choosing my own spouse (which is true after all! They wouldn’t be lying anyway!). I advised them to take time and be as proud as I am about my being gay and then tell others too. I guess my parents do not trust the others to be sane enough to let me be! I know they will cross that bridge one day.

Despite the momentary denial, weeping, multitude of questions and naysaying, my parents have now made the choice of prioritizing my happiness over what the society thinks of me! My mother’s smile is as warm as before and I am still my father’s ‘Chinnu’ (Gold – his nickname for me in Kannada)! I am proud of them.

All images courtesy the author.