I do not address anyone with their family name[i]. That is my preference. By the time this piece is published, Harish may have got innumerable praise and criticism.

I also thank all the readers who proceed to read this fleshed out string of words. Let me summarise what has happened until now. Harish’s mother had advertised for a groom for him in a daily. In it were the words ‘Caste No Bar (Though IYER Preferred)’. While many leading dailies had refused to publish the ad ‘Mid Day’ carried it. A lot of appreciation and criticism has since ensued.

Appreciation

The right of homosexuals to love a person and to look for a life partner has finally got a voice.

Criticism

By flaunting caste discrimination this ad is a regressive step in terms of social reform.

Well, the reality is that the voices in appreciation far outnumber those that criticise the ad. It has to be remembered here that only 6% of all marriages in our country are intercaste. Despite fighting shoulder-to-shoulder for the basic rights of sexual minorities, these appreciative voices have not realised the importance of the eradication of caste. They believe that caste is light years away from the politics around sexuality. I feel that the various elements in the concerns around sexuality intersect within caste.

To illustrate this, let me remind you about the violence perpetrated in Dharmapuri in 2012. When Ilavarasan and Divya entered into an intercaste marriage, their village erupted in riots. Divya’s father takes his life. In response, houses are torched and violence continues unabated for hours. A Habeas Corpus petition is filed on behalf of Divya’s mother to produce Divya before the court.Divya decides to go with her mother and, the next day, Ilavarasan’s corpse is discovered.

Caste is pernicious. It does not disappear, definitely not quickly! While caste-linked bias is present in all of us, I cannot consider it benign in the light of Dharmapuri.

‘Alright! Pray tell me, how does caste enter the equation here? Why blabber irrelevant nonsense?’ you may say. I ask you to imagine our society as one where the rights of sexual minorities have been firmly established. Look at Ilavarasan and Divya as Amudhan and Ilamaaran.[ii] You may witness gut-wrenching imagery.[iii]

In my opinion, it is baseless to claim that caste preference pertains to urban lifestyle choices and practices. To believe that participation in the family’s rituals and practices should be restricted to members of their own caste, and justifying it by saying that outsiders may not understand it, is unfair and unjust. Ritual is not Quantum Mechanics, is it? Can one not learn it, and live by it?

This is why I began this piece by thanking Harish. This advertisement has initiated so much discussion online which, I think, is a healthy debate. It has created an avenue to help people understand the gravity of caste, about how it affects people. I am reminded of the debate around the position articulated by the Gay And Lesbian Vaishnava Association (GALVA)[iv] just a few days ago. Although debates in Facebook do not effect social reform, they still initiate a spark.

It is situations such as these that people of alternative sexualities should use to take the movement forward. This is because we are fighting against legislation with intense fervour, and caste as a manifestation of patriarchy is much stronger than law.

Let me conclude noting a deficiency in the discussion thus far. We have only focused on the advertisement being discriminatory on the basis of caste. However, we are yet to discuss the perils of parents arranging a match for their child. And the problems inherent in the institution of marriage itself? We are yet to discuss how marriage infringes on the basic rights of queer people who do not subscribe to hetero-patriarchy[v].

May I illustrate the problem of hetero-patriarchy in the words of Periyar:

‘You look to see if horoscopes match, before marrying them off. But you do not check to see if the girl and the boy are compatible in physique, compassion and kindness, intellect and intelligence. Instead you check to see if the girl will submissively slave for your son. The problem concerning women is that you check for the very same attributes you consider when you purchase cattle. Desire to groom your daughters into valiant women; your husbands and other men will easily change if change begins in you. Men label you as regressive. Do not succumb to that lie. Instead of being referred to as “his wife” he should be referred to as “your husband”.’

Therefore, let us ask: Is it okay to ‘select’ a ‘groom from another caste’ in the ‘matrimonial market’?

[i] The family name is an important, though minor, symbol of caste domination; and I feel that this filth has to be removed. Mere removal of the family name does not render a person casteless. However, it pushes one to dislike flashing their caste identity in public or render it impossible.

[ii] Reference is to two characters, Amudhan and Ilamaaran, in the 2006-Tamil film “Vettaiyaadu Vilaiyaadu”. The lead character raises a homophobic question concerning the relationship between them. Aniruddhan Vasudevan refers to this in his article Game’s Up.

[iii] Do not consider this scenario as entirely illusory. It is a reality in the lives of many lesbian couples who die every year in India. To me the reason for their death is not sexuality alone; caste appears to be a factor too.

[iv] Refers to a Facebook post by GALVA Mumbai about the wedding of a gay couple in California, USA. The post had explicitly stated that one of the grooms was a Brahmin. When questioned why this was necessary, GALVA Mumbai replied that the actions of the Brahmins are still considered an example by people of other castes. I think it is important for us to engage in a deeper dialogue about dominant-caste privilege.

[v] The following is from an explanation of the term in a website which attributes it to Sarah Lucia Hoagland (“Encyclopedia of Feminist Theories”): Heteropatriarchy normalizes the dominance of one person and the subordination of the other. … includes the invisibility of lesbians, the construction and tolerance of dominant male violence together with intolerance of female violence against abusers, blaming the ‘feminine’ victim, and targeting a group of men as predators against whom dominant men can ‘protect’ chosen women ….