The following are reflections of -Ruby Almeida, Indian-origin queer activist, and chair of  LGBT+ Catholics, Westminster, UK.

“The news that Pope Francis has approved blessings for same-gender couples … is nothing short of wonderful for those many couples in committed relationships… The idea, not to say practice, that a loving and committed same-gender couple could deserve a blessing in their faith and from the Church that they love so much, has been a struggle for the Church for far too long.

Following on the recent announcements about LGBT+ access to, and involvement in, Baptism & Confirmation celebrations, the Church is taking another small step towards the radical inclusion of LGBT+ people of God… This is a massive step forward in the recognition and acceptance of all who seek a blessing for their loving and committed relationships.”

“We know that around the world our community face much violence and rejection by their communities and by their Church leaders. They cannot even live a life of knowing what it is like to be be loved by a partner, for fear of their lives. Therefore, this blessing, this aspiration that we all have is but an unachievable dream for many. But to dream is to hope. We pray that this dream, this blessing will be something that they will one day be able to have.”

Image and text courtesy Ruby Almeida. The content is from two media releases, that of the Global Network of Rainbow Catholicss of which Ruby is a media officer, and of the  LGBT+ Catholics Westminster, of which she is the Chair.

My friend made sure I got a seat, and the bus was relatively empty. I spotted a seat next to a guy who greeted me with a smile. I placed my bags there and started chatting with my friend. As the bus set off, I moved to sit beside the guy.

Soon after, I began sneezing, and the guy remarked, “It’s good you didn’t get a seat on that A/C bus.” I was taken aback and asked how he knew. He said, “I overheard your conversation with your friend.” We both chuckled, and he offered me a balm, which I found surprising coming from a stranger. As I sniffed it out, he reassured me in Malayalam, saying, “Enik kushta rogam onum illa,” roughly meaning “I do not have leprosy.” We both laughed again, breaking the ice.

Introductions followed; he was Dileep from Thrissur, with an MSW from Trivandrum, currently working. He was traveling from Aluva to Trivandrum for a meeting the next day. We quickly formed a friendly bond.

During the journey, he observed a lot about me and my life. Dileep sensed a pain in my eyes and predicted that I would open up before my stop at Kayamkulam. He believed this would change my life and give me new hope.

As we conversed, I found comfort in sharing personal stories about my breakup, the loss of my father, and my family. This moved him, and he held my hands, providing a shoulder to lean on, where I even dozed off for a while.

His words, though initially a lecture, began resonating with me. He encouraged me to concentrate on myself and work on my wishes. There was an unspoken connection, a sense of trust building between us.

Time flew by, and with an hour remaining, I wished for some bus malfunction, just to have a few more minutes with Dileep. His unexpected question, “Are we getting closer?” caught me off guard. I confessed, and he believed we were a perfect match. He asked if we could date, to which I couldn’t say no but needed time to decide.

Curiosity led me to ask if he was gay, seeking an honest relationship. He smiled, evading a direct answer. As I prepared to disembark, he declined to exchange numbers, saying, “Let’s love without numbers.” This left me feeling both tense and anxious.

I was really frustrated.

I was feeling tense because, honestly, he was a complete stranger. I barely knew him, and his sudden remarks were really getting to me.

He agreed to take my number but insisted on memorising it. That made me upset again. I suggested he just type it in, but he was dead set on learning it by heart.

He asked for my number and started to memorise it in front of me. I was nervous because he was making mistakes. But surprisingly, he managed to learn it and repeated the number several times. I thought he’d save it when I got off. However, I was still anxious, so I scribbled my number on my bus ticket and handed it to him. He refused to take the paper, saying, “Amal, not everyone’s the same. Let go of the past; I’ll be waiting for you.”

As we approached the Kayamkulam KSRTC bus stand, my heart raced faster than ever. I asked Dileep when he would call. He said, “Sharp at 8 PM on March 1st.” He wanted a straightforward answer from me—YES or NO.

When I asked for his number, he said he’d call before 8 PM on March 1st if he was alive. That got me angry. I retorted, “What if you can’t call me before 8 PM on March 1st?”

He responded, “Then, consider me dead.”

The bus stopped at the stand, and I got off. I asked Dileep to let go of my hand as I had to leave. He said, “Amal… Don’t worry about anything because I won’t let you cry anymore.” He whispered, “I LOVE YOU” in my ear. Stepping off at the bus stand, I started to feel better. I had a good time and, just as he predicted at the start, I felt a new sense of hope reaching my destination. He became that hope.

Returning home, I contemplated his proposal, seeking advice from friends who suggested that if he was genuine, I should say yes. I mentally prepared to accept, eagerly anticipating his call. But days passed without any communication and I began to wait. Every time I received a missed call on my number, I dialled back, hoping it would be him.

March 1st arrived, the day Dileep had promised to call. I returned to Kochi and settled in my room, eagerly anticipating his call. I switched my mobile to general mode, glanced at the clock—it was 7:58 PM, just two more minutes to go. I closed my eyes and started waiting for his call with my fingers crossed. When I opened my eyes slowly, it was already 8:01 PM, signalling that I should no longer wait for his calls. I prayed for it but, sadly, the call never came till date. I tried tirelessly to find him on social media and through contacts in his area but in vain. His absence left me questioning his sincerity.

I couldn’t deny that he had alleviated my depression to some extent during that journey, and his impact lingered in my thoughts. I sometimes wonder if he was just a dream or an imaginary figure, yet his words brought me comfort amid my despair.

Despite the uncertainty, I have come to accept that Dileep’s brief presence had a profound effect on me, teaching me invaluable lessons. His voice, face, and smile are all I can recall, and in a way, he succeeded in reaching depths where psychologists had failed.

The lingering question remains—will he ever return? Uncertain. Will he read this? Doubtful. Nevertheless, life must move forward, clinging to the glimmers of virtue that remain.

• This story has been republished from Amal’s blog with the author’s consent.
• Names have been changed
• Image supplied by the author, courtesy Pinterest.

May 3, 2023

To:
The Government of Tamil Nadu

Subject: MARRIAGE EQUALITY Report Summarising the Needs and Demands from the LGBTQIA+ Community in Tamil Nadu

Given the pendency of the marriage equality petitions before the Hon’ble Supreme Court of India, a meeting was conducted in Chennai on April 23, 2023, in which members of LGBTQIA+ groups such as Kattiyakkari, Nirangal Charitable Trust, Orinam, Queerbatore, SAATHII, Sahodaran, Tamil Nadu LGBTIQ Movement. Trans Community Kitchen (Chennai), Thozhi, and Trans Rights Now; and individual activists, lawyers, mental health professionals and academics were present. These groups and individuals are part of Tamil Nadu Rainbow Coalition, an informal network first established as the Chennai Rainbow Coalition in 2009 and subsequently expanded across the state.

An open discussion was had, and the following points are now being submitted to the Government of Tamil Nadu for its consideration, in the event states have an opportunity to make submissions before the Hon’ble Supreme Court.

• Introduction
• Marriage and its Benefits – Why does the LGBTQIA+ community require the social protection of marriage
• Can the existing personal laws be modified to include the LGBTQIA+ community?
• Notice Period Requirement in the Special Marriage Act
• A Step Forward in the the Future of Personal Laws – The Right to Chosen Family

1. INTRODUCTION:

1.1 The State of Tamil Nadu has granted legal recognition to the transgender community and has constituted a welfare board since 2008, six years prior the Supreme Court’s verdict in NALSA vs Union of India. In more recent times, the marriage between a transwoman and a man was held to be valid under the Hindu Marriage Act by the Hon’ble Madras High Court in Arun Kumar and others vs Inspector General of Registration and others. In the case of S. Sushma vs Commissioner of Police, the Hon’ble Madras High Court has examined the struggles faced by the members of the LGBTQIA+ community in detail, and has issued directions to various government authorities in order to ensure their protection and safety.

1.2 As a state that has historically recognised and supported members of the queer community both through policy reform, judicial pronouncements, and government directives and as a state that has brought about an amendment to the Hindu Marriage Act in the year 1968 to include suyamariyathai or seerthiruththa thirumanam (self-respect marriages) in the ambit of a Hindu marriage, Tamil Nadu’s position in this litigation should unequivocally be in support of marriage equality, and the rights of LGBTQIA+ individuals to be able to solemnise marriages irrespective of gender markers (M, F, T).

1.3 In the present batch of petitions before the Hon’ble Supreme Court of India (also referred to as “Marriage Equality Petitions” going forward) Tamil Nadu should support marriages both under the Special Marriage Act as well as under religious personal laws.

2. MARRIAGE AND ITS BENEFITS

2.1 Marriage is the most socially accepted social union between two adults. This has also been discussed in detail by the Petitioners in the Marriage Equality Petitions.

2.2 The State of Tamil Nadu also recognises this social protection given by marriage, and thus has marriage assistance schemes to assist daughters of poor parents, orphan girls, widows who remarry, widows daughter’s marriage and inter-caste married couples through the Dr. Dharmambal Ammaiyar Ninaivu Widow Remarriage Assistance Scheme, E.V.R. Maniammaiyar Ninaivu Marriage Assistance Scheme For Daughters Of Poor Widows, Annai Therasa Ninaivu Marriage Assistance Scheme For Orphan Girls, Dr. Muthulakshmi Reddy Ninaivu Inter-Caste Marriage Assistance Scheme.

2.3 An argument has been advanced by the Union Government that marriage is not necessary or important for the members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and that their fundamental rights are not denied because they are not able to get married. Restrictions within the existing matrimonial law framework were highlighted, and the submission of the Union Government can be condensed to – “They can exist in this country, but they cannot get married in the current legal framework, and this inability to get married is not a violation of their fundamental right”. This is an incorrect understanding of the law, and the requirements of this community. For a persecuted group who are more often than not asked to leave or are thrown out of their birth families and familial homes owing to the stigma associated with their existence, LGBTQIA+ individuals struggle to find their footing in society. They choose their families and they build their community. Living in as domestic partners does not stand on the same footing of marriage today. In the Hon’ble Supreme Court judgement of D.Velusamy vs D.Patchaiammal, it was held that even the protection under the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 was only available to couples who are in a live-in-relationship if their domestic relationship “is in the nature of marriage”.

2.4 Thus, for the Union Government to gate-keep this institution, which by its very laws and policies gives rise to various benefits, is tantamount to deliberately depriving the LGBTQIA+ community- an already vulnerable portion of Indian society of the rights and benefits available to heterosexual people.

2.5 The importance of marriage as a social institution that gives rise to benefits, responsibilities, duties, and oversight by the status cannot be replicated through any other form of living arrangement or domestic partnership both in the Indian legal framework as well as the Indian cultural context. A short and non-exhaustive list outlining the protection offered by marriage includes:

Protection offered through Marital Status

• Unless both or one of the individuals to the marriage want to dissolve their union, nobody else can do it. This aspect is invaluable to members of a community who are frequently deliberately separated by birth parents in order to prevent their relationship from proceeding further.
• It is easier to find accommodation in rental houses as a married couple, than it is as unmarried people in India right now. This is extremely useful to members of the LGBTQIA+ community who are more often than not asked to leave their birth families, unable to find permanent jobs as their education certificates and identity proof is not immediately available to them, and they have to move from one place to another in search of employment
• The benefits of opening a joint bank account, purchasing life insurance with nominees as a spouse will now extend to the LGBTQIA+ community.
• The ability to take health related decisions and be the nominee of their partner in the case of emergencies will now extend to the LGBTQIA+ community. Hospitals and health care professionals all require either blood relatives or spouses to sign off on life-saving treatments and surgeries, and at present, this crucial benefit is not available to members of the LGBTQIA+ community, many of whose members are separated and cut-off from their birth families who refuse to accept their choices and a community where members are also at risk of sexually transmitted illnesses.
• In addition to providing security during the life-time of a couple, marriage also grants benefits that can make it easier to navigate through the death of a spouse such as compassionate appointment, the right to receive mortal remains, and makes it easier to execute a will or obtain a legal heir certificate to carry out formalities after the spouse’s death.

3. CAN THE EXISTING PERSONAL LAWS BE MODIFIED TO INCLUDE THE LGBTQIA+ COMMUNITY?

3.1 The Hindu Marriage Act uses the terms “bride” and “groom”. The Special Marriage Act uses the terms “persons”, “parties”, and in the declaration uses the terms “husband and wife”. The Christian Marriage Act uses the terms “persons”. Removing the gender barrier in terminology can happen if the words bride, groom, husband, and wife are replaced by the words persons and spouses.

3.2 The list of prohibited relationships can be merged and make way for one comprehensive list so that the concerns of the legislature about inter-familial marriages are met.

3.3 The legal age to marry can be modified to become 18 – the age of majority. This is particularly important for LGBTQIA+ persons as parents who identify that their children are gender-nonconforming at an early age try to get their children married off as soon as possible.

4. NOTICE PERIOD REQUIREMENT IN THE SPECIAL MARRIAGE ACT

4.1 The existing framework in the Special Marriage Act involves a notice period requirement that is unconstitutional. Following the notice intending marriage, details of the people intending to marry will be publicly exhibited in their respective jurisdictions. This can have devastating consequences for LGBTQIA+ individuals who have fled from their birth families, and risk confinement, institutionalisation, forced conversions, and even honour killing. The 30 day objection period is also a cause for concern, as the word objection is not defined, and anybody can object. The notice period will place already vulnerable and persecuted individuals at grave risk, and will cause many hurdles in implementing marriage equality among members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

4.2 Thus, the Tamil Nadu government should support declaring Section 5 and 6 of the Special Marriage Act as unconstitutional. Any rights granted to the members of the LGBTQIA+ community with respect to marriage under the Special Marriage Act regime cannot be implemented when the notice period clause is still in force.

5. A STEP FORWARD IN THE FUTURE OF PERSONAL LAWS – THE RIGHT TO CHOSEN FAMILY

5.1 While the right of LGBTQIA+ individuals to marry can definitely improve the quality of life of queer individuals and is the right step forward, the future of the community can only be safeguarded when they have the right to choose their families. Unlike cis-heterosexual relations where familial bonds are strong and regulate social conduct and life, many members of the LGBTQIA+ community are forced to leave or are thrown out of their birth families and their native villages/ community.

5.2 Legal recognition to chosen families, by granting ration cards, identity proof in the same address, protection to couples forced to flee natal families, rights to parenting and custody, inheritance, rights of chosen family members to make medical decisions, insurance, and extending government incentives and schemes that are given to other families can greatly benefit the community.

5.3 In addition to this, any change in law or policy would be incomplete without adequate sensitivity training being given to law enforcement agencies and other departments who come in contact with LGBTQIA+ individuals when they are at their most vulnerable. Hence, sensitisation programs to police and prison authorities, district and state legal service authorities, judiciary as per the order of the Madras High Court dated 07-06-2021 in Sushma and another vs Commisioner of Police and others is the need of the hour. The State of Tamil Nadu can rest assured that the signatories to this note, and community leaders at the grassroots level will render any assistance required to facilitate these programs.

Thanking you,

Representatives of
Kattiyakkari, Nirangal Charitable Trust, Orinam, SAATHII, Sahodaran, Tamil Nadu LGBTIQ Movement. Thozhi, and Trans Rights Now; and individual activists

தமிழுக்கு இங்கே கிளிக் செய்யவும்

Image credits: Gokul

.
Vandiyathevan Senthan Amuthan

“My dearest, whenever I stroke your forehead, I recall the beautiful moment when you applied the tilak on my forehead”, said Amudhan, gazing at Vanthiyathevan with lovelorn eyes.

Hmm.. this was not in the version of Ponniyan Selvan I read, but it’s the hidden love no one knew.
.
My thanks to all the beings who encouraged me.

Swipe right swipe left
Swipe right swipe left
A monotonous motion
Almost like marching
Left right left right
Only with much less motive
And some misplaced purpose
We may have even forgotten about

Occasionally there is a “Boom”
You matched it says..
if it’s on Tinder
You get a room
If it’s on Bumble
You always fumble
Ok Cupid
Could get morbid
The apps never ending
It’s just a business machine
Making us hope there is someone out there
Looking for you

What have we become in this digital age
Staring at screens lying on our couches
Shopping for people like for things
Is this the future of the human touch
Not really wanting beyond this much..?

Orange may be the new black
In the digital date world
You better be ready for that ghosting attack!

Image credit: Santeri Viinamäki, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

Saying this today took me years to grow, learn, stumble, cry; the journey hasn’t stopped. I was a shy person in school and half of my life was spent hoping things will be fine. That I will be somebody who fits in with society just like others do. But it never happened.

Note: This post first appeared in Queernama on Sept. 29, 2017, and has been republished with the consent of the author.

Never had I ever thought in my dear life that I would be in such a position. All I ever want is happiness for all. I am still trying to make that happen. Just to let you know this is very difficult for me. So please bear with me, keep an open mind and try to read the following fully, thoroughly, as calmly and as understandingly as possible. This is difficult for me, very difficult. And I am crying as I write this, but I am not trying to create sympathy here. It’s just because of the pain to arrange my whole life in front of you right now, even though I was right there with you all, living it.

Let me tell you, these are the things that I realized/noticed after coming here and I had never thought about it when I was back home. And even if I had thought about it sometime when I was younger, I was terrified of the very fact of daring to consider this. It is just not easy at all. I want you to help me through this process. I feel so helpless sometimes thinking about what I want, what I can have, and what I am allowed.

This year is for studies, but somehow it has also become the biggest exam of my life. Being away from home, gave me space and time to think about my life. So below is my life story, I am not going to hide any details and tell you about as much as I remember of my childhood times, it’s all here below.

In the 3^rd grade, I joined a co-ed school and there, as you know, I used to be the tomboy of the class. I used to play cricket with the boys and also kabaddi with the girls. Never having had a good group of friends, I used to fight with the girls and keep moving from one group to another based on which group the fight was with.

Please try not to be disgusted with me for what I am going to say now, because I have gone through this a lot. I have been shocked at myself for thinking like this, but I just cannot help it. When I was young, studying sometime between 4^th and 6^th grades, all must have watched movies or shows where couples were romancing and fantasised about it. For any girl it would have been the predictable fantasy of being with a man, but for me it was the different, the fantasy was of me with a woman. I was young at that time and thought that everyone must have similar thoughts. I did not share these fantasies with anyone. There are times during my 6^th to until may be 10^th where I used to plead with God for a miracle that would change me into a boy, overnight. That mom and dad should start thinking that they have given birth to a boy, the records in the schools must miraculously change, and I should be one of the boys in the class. But yeah, this was too much to ask of God, wasn’t it? Such miracles never happen.

There were only women teachers in my school, and I used to have crushes on the beautiful ones. I also used to befriend the beautiful girls in my class, and charm them using my humour and my imitation skills, and make them laugh. Let me tell you all, there were no questions in my mind about who I was and why I was that way, nothing crossed my mind. Then it was 11^th and 12^th grade, it was time for studies, and nothing much happene. I don’t remember much about those times.

Then entering college life, an environment where girls talk a LOT about boys and check them out: I did too. I became best friends with Padma. Basically, as you might know, it was a co-dependent relationship. She needed a shoulder to cry on as she thought she was the most unlucky person in the whole wide world, and I was happy to lend my shoulder because – I don’t know why – maybe because I enjoyed the importance I was getting in her life. I used to hang out with her most of my free time and we were inseparable. I used to write poems about her.

It was during my second year of college, that I came across the Ellen DeGeneres show on TV. I became her fan immediately and was able to relate to her for her dress sense, sense of humour and her dancing. I googled her, and found that she is gay! I did a little research about what it means and found that she likes women and that she is going to marry a woman in California. I was shocked. I got too afraid and since Padma had not yet got into a committed relationship with a guy, I was terrified that people in college might start talking about us in a bad way based on the amount of time we spent with each other. Then Padma got committed to Suresh, and I never really cared about making any more best friends. It was too much of hurt and trouble and I did not want anyone to be as dependent on me again as was the case with Padma. I chucked the thoughts of Ellen out of my head. and as an obedient daughter when the college got over, told you to look for a boy for my marriage, because after college life, I felt very lonely without anyone so close in my life.

I am skipping the part of engagement and things with Mahesh that you all know. So, after coming here, I do not know, what was the hidden urge in me that made me join the LGBT society in the university here! I had also joined it as a strong ally (a non-gay person who wants to support LGBT people); because I don’t know why I felt like these people deserved equal rights in their lives too.

Then began my journey of self-discovery, you see all the paragraphs above, all these little details, I started to get reminded of all that, the things that I had locked into that little box in my heart, my fantasies, my dreams, everything that I had tried to erase out of my life, came back to me. May be it was the space and time that I got here to think about myself. But I researched a lot, read a lot and was depressed thinking about what I feel, think, imagine and compare it with my research findings and cry and feel sad for what I was doing to myself by pulling out old stuff from that little box! It took me four whole months from September to January, to finally I accept myself for who I am, without any anger or regret. I needed someone to talk about this and I have a close friend and I knew she would understand my situation. After a whole week of gathering up courage, I did not even tell by words, I gave her a letter stating my dreams from which she asked me questions and I answered them and she finally understood what I was trying to tell her about. It is difficult.

When one knows that one is different and that a kind of different that will be looked down upon by the society of so-called “normal” people, I feel sad. There, tears start again. Being LGBT is not something abnormal, it’s not by choice, it’s just natural. When I finally accepted who I was, it was like meeting another self of mine. That person who was locked in so much within myself that I had forgotten about her, who has been a part of my mental and physical being but I had just decided to ignore her. But I could not do it anymore; I needed to recognise that other person within me.

I would humbly request you, not to take any hasty decisions. I did not know all this would happen to me if I came here, and believe me when I say, I swear on my God, this is not how I had planned my life. I want you to be with me in this journey, I want you to accept me for who I am. Please be with me, I cannot do this without you all.

I have never ever wanted to hurt any person in my life, I love you all so much and I care so much about you all. This is true and my God knows and I think you know it too. I hate hiding stuff from people I love, and I knew that you should know what is going on with me. But believe me, this is very hard to accept oneself and it’s like one terrifying journey to tell someone about who you really are. I love you mom, dad and sister so much, I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you all. I hope you will understand. I miss you all so much right now and feel so lonely. And I am not able to stop crying. This is very hard for me. Please be with me. I try to be a strong person, but I will be very lonely without you all. Please understand the things I have said.

I notice women, I notice how they smell, imagine having a good chat with them and some romantic dance. Whenever I listen to songs, I am singing the male lyrics that praise the girl and not bother much about the girl’s lyrics. There is this rush and tingly feeling that happens in my heart whenever I notice a woman that I like, and I get nervous around her. Whenever or rather rarely I imagine dancing with a man, I still tend to lead, I do not know why, I have always wanted to lead and be the man in a relationship rather than being a woman.

In the light of this situation that I am in and the things that I found about myself, it would be selfish of me to get married to Mahesh and spoil his life. He noticed that I was not myself for past few weeks. I had to tell him before I told you all. He understands my situation very well and I think we have agreed upon cancelling the marriage plans. Because, if we didn’t, it would be us who would be living the marriage and it would been fated for doom. He deserves a good life with someone who can make him happy emotionally and physically. I cannot handle the physical aspect of the relationship with a man. He understands me for who I am and has been supportive for past one week. He has told his parents and therefore I would request you not to call them for a while until you can process this information because they are trying to process it as well.

I am sorry that I had to take this decision, but I am telling you pappa and mamma, you are reading this and may be finding it hard to accept, but I am living this. Knowing that I was never really the person I was, that’s something big to accept oneself. I know since our lives are connected, I am making you face these things with me, and I am sorry for that. I really am. I have tried to be a good daughter that you both deserve, you are wonderful parents anyone could ever ask for and I want to make you both proud of me. I hope I will. I am the same daughter that you have had, but this is a reality about me, which I hope you will accept. I love you pappa, mamma and sister. I know I am unable to keep up with your dreams of getting me married to a man and sending me off with him, but please see the fact that I am more at ease with my identity and inner self now. I have understood that I was not crazy to feel different for the past 25 years. My God has always given me what I have asked for. I had written him a letter after coming here saying that I have realised who I am and I don’t think I will be able to fulfil that aspect of myself in this life. But see what he did, he made me accept my identity in front of my parents. I think he wants his daughter to live the life in her way.

I know the outside world is tough. It might even mock me for who I am. But mamma, pappa and Keerti, if I know the fact that you all are there with me, I will be 200 times stronger than I am now. I can face the world or anyone else. I just want you all to understand me, accept me and my heart.

I know you will have many questions about this and I request you to keep calm and read this FAQ sheet fully. It will answer most of your questions.

https://new2.orinam.net/resources-for/friends-and-family/faqs-gender-and-sexuality/

I will not be able to answer your call or Skype with you all for few days. Because I am not ready and I think even you will need time to understand this information and process it fully. I wish I could have told this to you all in a better way, but I lack the courage to say on phone or over skype. I have my LGBT support group here and my best friends who are there to give me support. I would request you to try using the contact numbers in the above website and talk to any parents of LGBT people or their counsellors to have a support group, so that you have someone to talk to about this and understand my situation and your own situation better. Sister, please do this for me, try contacting some numbers in this website and arrange a meeting with them sometime soon.

https://new2.orinam.net/resources-for/friends-and-family/support/

I will be just a call away but not immediately as we all need to process this and we all need time to come to peace with our thoughts. It’s been an emotional toll on me to write this email and I know very well it was for you all to read it. But I did not want to hide myself from my family, after I discovered myself after so many years.

Dear pappa, please do not be angry towards me, this is not something that I am doing on purpose, I am BORN THIS WAY and my God wants me to acknowledge it! I cannot help it, it’s not a choice I have, but this is who I am, I am attracted to women. I would request you and mamma to please forget about the society for a while and just think about your daughter and the things I am going through. It’s me who is living this and not them. It is no one’s fault, it’s in my nature.

With lots of love, hugs and a wish that you will reply to this email and not avoid me. I respect you all, but please don’t call me immediately I will be unable to answer it pappa, I need you all the most now and an email reply from you whatever it is that you all want to say would give me strength, I love you pappa, mamma and sister, please remember I am the same daughter you have and the same didi you have my little sister, there is just this one thing that you need to accept about me…

Love, Bubbly

All names in this post are pseudonyms

I’ll begin by quoting Jonathan Rodrigues who wrote this piece on suicide in The Hindu:

“Many teenagers die of failure of what I would call an ‘attempt to threaten suicide.’ Their main intention is to deliver a message or a threat demanding attention and love, but they eventually succumb to the tortures they force on their bodies. Suicidal behaviour whether attempted or threatened must be taken seriously and dealt with maturely. It should not be treated as taboo anymore. There is need for discussing the concept of suicide in schools and colleges.”

I come from Tuticorin, India. Growing up, I didn’t know of any gay people, let alone role models. I wasn’t out when I was in high school, but I got bullied for a host of other reasons. During my final years there, I felt lonely and aloof and  I sat through the day, imagining things to write about when I was at home. Computers were my escape from reality. I wrote about technology. I had a personal blog. I connected with tech enthusiasts from across the world. Although my life then was filled with purpose, I still felt alienated as I couldn’t find anyone like me in school. By the time I was done with high school, the awareness of my sexuality had existed in me for years and I was able to fully understand and accept my identity. I thought I was all set for the life ahead of me.

And then I moved out of my town to go to college. The first two years were fine. I made good friends along the way. Then, I fell in love with someone straight and that ripped my heart apart. That was my first real taste of rejection and it was painful emotionally and physically. At that age, love that isn’t reciprocal can make you want to kill yourself. I fell into depression in my last two years of college.

I thought I spent those years wandering around doing nothing, but in hindsight, I actually did a ton of things to put myself back together. I thought I’d share them with you, because you might find them useful when the going gets tough.

• I built a personal support system. I’ve never had trouble finding friends (despite my own bouts of loneliness in both high school and college). By the time I finished college, I was out to around 20 people, including my Dad. I did not plan on building such a circle, but it happened. I had a straight roommate who was also my 4 AM counselor. I had a classmate who was aware of my sexuality and offered reassuring advice when I needed it. Whenever I visited home, there was a childhood friend who stood by me. A lot of others were always there for me no matter what. I actually have a WhatsApp group for my best friends and that’s my go-to place for venting. I know it seems like overkill, and I am sure I’ve taken too much of their time, but truth be told, I wouldn’t have survived if they hadn’t listened to me. Trust me: you’ll also find people like them whose support is priceless.

• I jumped at every chance I got to socialize. Until college, I always kept to myself, and there’s nothing I enjoyed more than being alone and contemplating random things. But after my depression episode began, every time I got invited to hangout with my friends, I forced myself to go. I made sure I wasn’t alone and that helped me put off suicide. The idea is to surround yourself with people you love, and trick your brain from going down that road.

• I sought professional help. Though I tried everything I could, sometimes things went way out of control. I’d be depressed one day but feel deeply elated the next and I wondered if I was doing irreparable damage to my mental health. Just being with friends and leaning on them wasn’t enough, so I found an LGBT-friendly counselor in Chennai and sought her help. Although she didn’t have a magic wand, her advice helped and she connected me with organizations in the city that worked on LGBT issues.

• I read ‘It Gets Better.’ The book had real-life accounts of LGBT people from across the world. Granted, I’ve read a lot about queer issues online, but there’s something that stood out among the anecdotes in the book: ‘it doesn’t get better; you get stronger.’ I couldn’t agree more. I don’t think there was a huge change in public perception in India of LGBT issues; what changed was me. I’ve grown stronger. You’re might encounter homophobic laws like 377, but you’ll grow a thick skin and learn to deal with hate like I did. Just remember: what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger

(On a side note: if you’re a parent or a friend of someone who is constantly feeling suicidal, I urge you to read this piece from March 2013 that was published in The Hindu. The real reasons why people try to do what they do, are clearly laid out in this article. I also suggest reading this comic on depression by Hyperbole and a Half because that I am sure it will resonate with you).

Orinam editors’ note: This is one of a series of articles on Orinam that discuss living and coping with depression. Also see Pink Me’s essay No Matter What Happens, and Vinodhan’s essays Storms Without Warnings and Spells and Charms.  For readers who would like to learn more about coping with depression, a guide on mental health for LGBT people developed by Ireland’s Health Service Executive mental health project is available here. Additional resources are being developed by Orinam and will soon be available here.

I loved my cousin brother Raghu*. I liked to think I was the one in the family he was closest to, the one he would confide in, seek advice from.

Well, not close enough, evidently.

One morning, three years ago, Raghu called me on the telephone. Without preliminaries, he announced to me that he loved men, not women, and hung up just as abruptly. This, just weeks after he had become father to a baby boy, and a year or so after his marriage.

Later that day, Raghu, all of 26, ended his life in the south Madras flat where he and his family lived.

I wish I could say I had suspected something like this was brewing when he made that call to me, the call that was to be our last conversation. I hadn’t.

Love and forgiveness. I wrestle with these each day. Through love, one can overlook others’ faults, however significant they may be. Through forgiveness, one seeks peace.

Raghu, I wish I could forgive you easily for ending your life, leaving your wife and infant son behind, casualties of the choices you made. Forgiving you remains a struggle, though I try. Questions race through my mind all the time. Why could you not have thought about your preferences beforehand, and avoided drawing her into your life? Did we, as a family, make it so difficult for you to admit your different orientation? Or, was it your desire to conform, to not hurt your parents, that drove you to consent for marriage in the first place? What of the hurt that engulfed everyone when you chose to depart?

Raghu, wherever you may be now, I still love you, my brother. Your difference did not matter to me then, nor does it now. I wish you happiness wherever you may be. And I continue to try to forgive.

To the readers of this note, I ask that you live and let live. If you have a sibling, child, friend or other loved one who has a different orientation, please do not let this difference come in the way of your love for them.

And if you are yourself differently oriented from the so-called mainstream sexuality, be strong in your convictions. Going against family expectations may cause some grief, but that is nothing compared to the devastation resulting from the choices that Raghu – and I fear there have been many like him through the ages – felt compelled to make.

*name changed

This piece is based on a note submitted by an Orinam reader, and is being posted on Sept 10, World Suicide Prevention Day. If you or someone you know is depressed or suicidal, please seek help. Some crisis support resources are here.