1. Trans dyke blues

They gave her a canvas.
And asked her to paint.
Down in her head,
In her sacred profanities,
she saw someone.
She painted them.
          Them, in each others hands.
In their small home.
Home.

She grew flowering vines around the painting.
She grew, flowing into that girl she drew
She grew, wilted, regrew, rewilted

Joyful, playful, holy, insane
A little bit of un-sacredness
yet sacred the same.

2. Ode to a night of aching arms

That one night in peak Delhi summer
We talked all night on the phone
You were restless about your bass tone
My hands ached from holding the phone, till
6 AM  in the morning.

I didn’t mind.

Delhi is approaching winter, my love.

My pen aches to write for your bass.
My hand aches to ache,
holding the phone till
6AM in the morning
Again.

3. Sabr… dear heart…sabr

This Eid
There is no waking up to shower at 4, cold.
There is no riding with 5 people on a
motorcycle.
There is no table with banana leaves on,
covered in beef biryani.
There is no rush to the eidgaah.

Here I sit,
in my tattered cargos and corduroy jackets,
Couple of tears on my cheeks
Reminiscing the eids gone

Can the transsexual Eid?

For Us

I was lost
under what they said about me.
I wore all their words,
weighing more than my bones,
carrying them everywhere I went.

I couldn’t find myself
beneath those dirty fingerprints.
It was not me I saw
in the mirror, but I found
myself for you, for me, for us.
I pierced through the sun
to burn it all and to
come to you as I am.

We’ll meet under the moon
while the night clouds
float through my hair.
I’ll hold your hand
and nothing will weigh me down
while I fly in your love.

Author Notes:  My poetry book is a compilation of heartfelt verses that I’ve penned over the past few years, originally meant solely for my personal solace. However, after concealing my thoughts and emotions for an extended period, the yearning to step into the light became undeniable. I aspired to reveal my true self authentically. This petite yet significant book represents a vital aspect of my being, and unveiling it to the world fulfils the desire to be acknowledged for who I truly am. Moreover, my passion for sharing art further motivates me to extend this creative endeavour beyond the confines of my own contemplation. I invite you to explore my art, as I embrace the courage to be seen.

Boy from The Poems was published in December 2023 on Notion Press.

My friend made sure I got a seat, and the bus was relatively empty. I spotted a seat next to a guy who greeted me with a smile. I placed my bags there and started chatting with my friend. As the bus set off, I moved to sit beside the guy.

Soon after, I began sneezing, and the guy remarked, “It’s good you didn’t get a seat on that A/C bus.” I was taken aback and asked how he knew. He said, “I overheard your conversation with your friend.” We both chuckled, and he offered me a balm, which I found surprising coming from a stranger. As I sniffed it out, he reassured me in Malayalam, saying, “Enik kushta rogam onum illa,” roughly meaning “I do not have leprosy.” We both laughed again, breaking the ice.

Introductions followed; he was Dileep from Thrissur, with an MSW from Trivandrum, currently working. He was traveling from Aluva to Trivandrum for a meeting the next day. We quickly formed a friendly bond.

During the journey, he observed a lot about me and my life. Dileep sensed a pain in my eyes and predicted that I would open up before my stop at Kayamkulam. He believed this would change my life and give me new hope.

As we conversed, I found comfort in sharing personal stories about my breakup, the loss of my father, and my family. This moved him, and he held my hands, providing a shoulder to lean on, where I even dozed off for a while.

His words, though initially a lecture, began resonating with me. He encouraged me to concentrate on myself and work on my wishes. There was an unspoken connection, a sense of trust building between us.

Time flew by, and with an hour remaining, I wished for some bus malfunction, just to have a few more minutes with Dileep. His unexpected question, “Are we getting closer?” caught me off guard. I confessed, and he believed we were a perfect match. He asked if we could date, to which I couldn’t say no but needed time to decide.

Curiosity led me to ask if he was gay, seeking an honest relationship. He smiled, evading a direct answer. As I prepared to disembark, he declined to exchange numbers, saying, “Let’s love without numbers.” This left me feeling both tense and anxious.

I was really frustrated.

I was feeling tense because, honestly, he was a complete stranger. I barely knew him, and his sudden remarks were really getting to me.

He agreed to take my number but insisted on memorising it. That made me upset again. I suggested he just type it in, but he was dead set on learning it by heart.

He asked for my number and started to memorise it in front of me. I was nervous because he was making mistakes. But surprisingly, he managed to learn it and repeated the number several times. I thought he’d save it when I got off. However, I was still anxious, so I scribbled my number on my bus ticket and handed it to him. He refused to take the paper, saying, “Amal, not everyone’s the same. Let go of the past; I’ll be waiting for you.”

As we approached the Kayamkulam KSRTC bus stand, my heart raced faster than ever. I asked Dileep when he would call. He said, “Sharp at 8 PM on March 1st.” He wanted a straightforward answer from me—YES or NO.

When I asked for his number, he said he’d call before 8 PM on March 1st if he was alive. That got me angry. I retorted, “What if you can’t call me before 8 PM on March 1st?”

He responded, “Then, consider me dead.”

The bus stopped at the stand, and I got off. I asked Dileep to let go of my hand as I had to leave. He said, “Amal… Don’t worry about anything because I won’t let you cry anymore.” He whispered, “I LOVE YOU” in my ear. Stepping off at the bus stand, I started to feel better. I had a good time and, just as he predicted at the start, I felt a new sense of hope reaching my destination. He became that hope.

Returning home, I contemplated his proposal, seeking advice from friends who suggested that if he was genuine, I should say yes. I mentally prepared to accept, eagerly anticipating his call. But days passed without any communication and I began to wait. Every time I received a missed call on my number, I dialled back, hoping it would be him.

March 1st arrived, the day Dileep had promised to call. I returned to Kochi and settled in my room, eagerly anticipating his call. I switched my mobile to general mode, glanced at the clock—it was 7:58 PM, just two more minutes to go. I closed my eyes and started waiting for his call with my fingers crossed. When I opened my eyes slowly, it was already 8:01 PM, signalling that I should no longer wait for his calls. I prayed for it but, sadly, the call never came till date. I tried tirelessly to find him on social media and through contacts in his area but in vain. His absence left me questioning his sincerity.

I couldn’t deny that he had alleviated my depression to some extent during that journey, and his impact lingered in my thoughts. I sometimes wonder if he was just a dream or an imaginary figure, yet his words brought me comfort amid my despair.

Despite the uncertainty, I have come to accept that Dileep’s brief presence had a profound effect on me, teaching me invaluable lessons. His voice, face, and smile are all I can recall, and in a way, he succeeded in reaching depths where psychologists had failed.

The lingering question remains—will he ever return? Uncertain. Will he read this? Doubtful. Nevertheless, life must move forward, clinging to the glimmers of virtue that remain.

• This story has been republished from Amal’s blog with the author’s consent.
• Names have been changed
• Image supplied by the author, courtesy Pinterest.

We often travel in multiple trouble boats all at once, tackling issues like immigration; sexual identity; financial struggles; ⁣career instability and personal⁣ family woes.

Our accents thick; our experiences thin, struggles hidden from our kith and kin, we are desperately unrehearsed on a stage that was never a level playing field for us

Our souls burdened with beliefs which we’ve ingrained for years deep within us, un clutching from it’s paws unlearning and unloading all that is both time taking and daunting

Our Friends/Family might be casually racist/homophobic and misogynistic and we might not readily find a voice to fight it, for our tongues are tied with generations of our own patriarchal stigma ⁣

It can get extremely difficult to explain our queer lives and it’s dynamics to our straight close friends so we gradually cut ties from them; it is hard for some to do so !

We learn to hide a lot about our lives at tender young ages that it leads to us getting so good at lying so frequently that it’s emotionally exhausting  ! ⁣

The unbearable expectations of heteronormativity from our family ( read extended  Family/ neighbours/ relatives/ friends/ acquaintances / colleagues ) is sinfully suffocating for some! ⁣

Some of us might not know how to strike a conversation or how to properly navigate a friendship/ relationship cause we arrive so late to the game. Be kind to us if your time permits please

We are stuck in long games and emotional baggages of the queer world, we neither fully know what we truly want nor we can afford to make a lot of mistakes, for our privilege walls are icy thin! ⁣

We hate ourselves and continue to live like that without recognizing it. It would have been nice if someone told us sooner when younger that it is okay to live a little for our own sakes and selves

We live in an emotional Imposter Syndrome where we worry extremely in our imagination that we will let a lot of people down just for innocently being ourselves ! ⁣

Our scars are on the inside, not from wars we’ve won but from battles we’ve never wanted to fight from all the unresolved trauma !

Even with keys in our hands, some cannot unlock the closet and come out cause we we’ve gotten so comfortable in our “ straight acting “ skin coats. So don’t act so critical dear “Already Out and Proud Fellow South Asian “ BRO ⁣

Some of our parents/ families might have never ever even heard about the words that make up the LGBTQIA acronym and absolutely have no clue that something like that even exits

Coming out is not a one time thanksgiving dinner table announcement but a recurring repetitive struggle that can be dreadfully frightening for some. We are shedding our skin in baby steps!
Bear with us please!  ⁣

Even when we come out, our parents never speak openly about it, deny it, expect us to somehow magically turn and change ourselves some day. Their coming out is brutal for them in their own way

Social media has created such shallow standards and emotional baggages around us that it feels like we escaped the suffocation of the closet only to be vaporized in this toxicity of this culture.

We rarely acknowledge the importance of mental health and therapy in our culture, ’cause we stigmatized it for reasons unknown.⁣

Like all others, we also have a toxic love/hate bond with hookup apps like Grindr, Scruff, etc coz nothing soothes our damaged goods dented souls like instant gratification

Some of us neither had the cultural luxury nor the exposure to understand and explore our sexualities. So spare us your judgements please ⁣

At times, we might we misspell mispronounce and misunderstand certain words, jokes and contexts. Correct with warmth if you can

All of us are work in progress but we South Asian Immigrants are on a crash course, so please if your time permits educate someone you come across. They could always use a little extra help! ⁣

If you’ve come this far in reading this then I Love you! ⁣

In my lame attempt to collectively talk for the all of us I am sorry if I said anything ignorant/ insensitive Or If you disagree with anything, come let’s have a conversation, I’d love to stand corrected. ⁣

More Love and More Power to all of us!

Thank You

⁣

Saying this today took me years to grow, learn, stumble, cry; the journey hasn’t stopped. I was a shy person in school and half of my life was spent hoping things will be fine. That I will be somebody who fits in with society just like others do. But it never happened.

Note: This post first appeared in Queernama on Sept. 29, 2017, and has been republished with the consent of the author.

Never had I ever thought in my dear life that I would be in such a position. All I ever want is happiness for all. I am still trying to make that happen. Just to let you know this is very difficult for me. So please bear with me, keep an open mind and try to read the following fully, thoroughly, as calmly and as understandingly as possible. This is difficult for me, very difficult. And I am crying as I write this, but I am not trying to create sympathy here. It’s just because of the pain to arrange my whole life in front of you right now, even though I was right there with you all, living it.

Let me tell you, these are the things that I realized/noticed after coming here and I had never thought about it when I was back home. And even if I had thought about it sometime when I was younger, I was terrified of the very fact of daring to consider this. It is just not easy at all. I want you to help me through this process. I feel so helpless sometimes thinking about what I want, what I can have, and what I am allowed.

This year is for studies, but somehow it has also become the biggest exam of my life. Being away from home, gave me space and time to think about my life. So below is my life story, I am not going to hide any details and tell you about as much as I remember of my childhood times, it’s all here below.

In the 3^rd grade, I joined a co-ed school and there, as you know, I used to be the tomboy of the class. I used to play cricket with the boys and also kabaddi with the girls. Never having had a good group of friends, I used to fight with the girls and keep moving from one group to another based on which group the fight was with.

Please try not to be disgusted with me for what I am going to say now, because I have gone through this a lot. I have been shocked at myself for thinking like this, but I just cannot help it. When I was young, studying sometime between 4^th and 6^th grades, all must have watched movies or shows where couples were romancing and fantasised about it. For any girl it would have been the predictable fantasy of being with a man, but for me it was the different, the fantasy was of me with a woman. I was young at that time and thought that everyone must have similar thoughts. I did not share these fantasies with anyone. There are times during my 6^th to until may be 10^th where I used to plead with God for a miracle that would change me into a boy, overnight. That mom and dad should start thinking that they have given birth to a boy, the records in the schools must miraculously change, and I should be one of the boys in the class. But yeah, this was too much to ask of God, wasn’t it? Such miracles never happen.

There were only women teachers in my school, and I used to have crushes on the beautiful ones. I also used to befriend the beautiful girls in my class, and charm them using my humour and my imitation skills, and make them laugh. Let me tell you all, there were no questions in my mind about who I was and why I was that way, nothing crossed my mind. Then it was 11^th and 12^th grade, it was time for studies, and nothing much happene. I don’t remember much about those times.

Then entering college life, an environment where girls talk a LOT about boys and check them out: I did too. I became best friends with Padma. Basically, as you might know, it was a co-dependent relationship. She needed a shoulder to cry on as she thought she was the most unlucky person in the whole wide world, and I was happy to lend my shoulder because – I don’t know why – maybe because I enjoyed the importance I was getting in her life. I used to hang out with her most of my free time and we were inseparable. I used to write poems about her.

It was during my second year of college, that I came across the Ellen DeGeneres show on TV. I became her fan immediately and was able to relate to her for her dress sense, sense of humour and her dancing. I googled her, and found that she is gay! I did a little research about what it means and found that she likes women and that she is going to marry a woman in California. I was shocked. I got too afraid and since Padma had not yet got into a committed relationship with a guy, I was terrified that people in college might start talking about us in a bad way based on the amount of time we spent with each other. Then Padma got committed to Suresh, and I never really cared about making any more best friends. It was too much of hurt and trouble and I did not want anyone to be as dependent on me again as was the case with Padma. I chucked the thoughts of Ellen out of my head. and as an obedient daughter when the college got over, told you to look for a boy for my marriage, because after college life, I felt very lonely without anyone so close in my life.

I am skipping the part of engagement and things with Mahesh that you all know. So, after coming here, I do not know, what was the hidden urge in me that made me join the LGBT society in the university here! I had also joined it as a strong ally (a non-gay person who wants to support LGBT people); because I don’t know why I felt like these people deserved equal rights in their lives too.

Then began my journey of self-discovery, you see all the paragraphs above, all these little details, I started to get reminded of all that, the things that I had locked into that little box in my heart, my fantasies, my dreams, everything that I had tried to erase out of my life, came back to me. May be it was the space and time that I got here to think about myself. But I researched a lot, read a lot and was depressed thinking about what I feel, think, imagine and compare it with my research findings and cry and feel sad for what I was doing to myself by pulling out old stuff from that little box! It took me four whole months from September to January, to finally I accept myself for who I am, without any anger or regret. I needed someone to talk about this and I have a close friend and I knew she would understand my situation. After a whole week of gathering up courage, I did not even tell by words, I gave her a letter stating my dreams from which she asked me questions and I answered them and she finally understood what I was trying to tell her about. It is difficult.

When one knows that one is different and that a kind of different that will be looked down upon by the society of so-called “normal” people, I feel sad. There, tears start again. Being LGBT is not something abnormal, it’s not by choice, it’s just natural. When I finally accepted who I was, it was like meeting another self of mine. That person who was locked in so much within myself that I had forgotten about her, who has been a part of my mental and physical being but I had just decided to ignore her. But I could not do it anymore; I needed to recognise that other person within me.

I would humbly request you, not to take any hasty decisions. I did not know all this would happen to me if I came here, and believe me when I say, I swear on my God, this is not how I had planned my life. I want you to be with me in this journey, I want you to accept me for who I am. Please be with me, I cannot do this without you all.

I have never ever wanted to hurt any person in my life, I love you all so much and I care so much about you all. This is true and my God knows and I think you know it too. I hate hiding stuff from people I love, and I knew that you should know what is going on with me. But believe me, this is very hard to accept oneself and it’s like one terrifying journey to tell someone about who you really are. I love you mom, dad and sister so much, I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you all. I hope you will understand. I miss you all so much right now and feel so lonely. And I am not able to stop crying. This is very hard for me. Please be with me. I try to be a strong person, but I will be very lonely without you all. Please understand the things I have said.

I notice women, I notice how they smell, imagine having a good chat with them and some romantic dance. Whenever I listen to songs, I am singing the male lyrics that praise the girl and not bother much about the girl’s lyrics. There is this rush and tingly feeling that happens in my heart whenever I notice a woman that I like, and I get nervous around her. Whenever or rather rarely I imagine dancing with a man, I still tend to lead, I do not know why, I have always wanted to lead and be the man in a relationship rather than being a woman.

In the light of this situation that I am in and the things that I found about myself, it would be selfish of me to get married to Mahesh and spoil his life. He noticed that I was not myself for past few weeks. I had to tell him before I told you all. He understands my situation very well and I think we have agreed upon cancelling the marriage plans. Because, if we didn’t, it would be us who would be living the marriage and it would been fated for doom. He deserves a good life with someone who can make him happy emotionally and physically. I cannot handle the physical aspect of the relationship with a man. He understands me for who I am and has been supportive for past one week. He has told his parents and therefore I would request you not to call them for a while until you can process this information because they are trying to process it as well.

I am sorry that I had to take this decision, but I am telling you pappa and mamma, you are reading this and may be finding it hard to accept, but I am living this. Knowing that I was never really the person I was, that’s something big to accept oneself. I know since our lives are connected, I am making you face these things with me, and I am sorry for that. I really am. I have tried to be a good daughter that you both deserve, you are wonderful parents anyone could ever ask for and I want to make you both proud of me. I hope I will. I am the same daughter that you have had, but this is a reality about me, which I hope you will accept. I love you pappa, mamma and sister. I know I am unable to keep up with your dreams of getting me married to a man and sending me off with him, but please see the fact that I am more at ease with my identity and inner self now. I have understood that I was not crazy to feel different for the past 25 years. My God has always given me what I have asked for. I had written him a letter after coming here saying that I have realised who I am and I don’t think I will be able to fulfil that aspect of myself in this life. But see what he did, he made me accept my identity in front of my parents. I think he wants his daughter to live the life in her way.

I know the outside world is tough. It might even mock me for who I am. But mamma, pappa and Keerti, if I know the fact that you all are there with me, I will be 200 times stronger than I am now. I can face the world or anyone else. I just want you all to understand me, accept me and my heart.

I know you will have many questions about this and I request you to keep calm and read this FAQ sheet fully. It will answer most of your questions.

https://new2.orinam.net/resources-for/friends-and-family/faqs-gender-and-sexuality/

I will not be able to answer your call or Skype with you all for few days. Because I am not ready and I think even you will need time to understand this information and process it fully. I wish I could have told this to you all in a better way, but I lack the courage to say on phone or over skype. I have my LGBT support group here and my best friends who are there to give me support. I would request you to try using the contact numbers in the above website and talk to any parents of LGBT people or their counsellors to have a support group, so that you have someone to talk to about this and understand my situation and your own situation better. Sister, please do this for me, try contacting some numbers in this website and arrange a meeting with them sometime soon.

https://new2.orinam.net/resources-for/friends-and-family/support/

I will be just a call away but not immediately as we all need to process this and we all need time to come to peace with our thoughts. It’s been an emotional toll on me to write this email and I know very well it was for you all to read it. But I did not want to hide myself from my family, after I discovered myself after so many years.

Dear pappa, please do not be angry towards me, this is not something that I am doing on purpose, I am BORN THIS WAY and my God wants me to acknowledge it! I cannot help it, it’s not a choice I have, but this is who I am, I am attracted to women. I would request you and mamma to please forget about the society for a while and just think about your daughter and the things I am going through. It’s me who is living this and not them. It is no one’s fault, it’s in my nature.

With lots of love, hugs and a wish that you will reply to this email and not avoid me. I respect you all, but please don’t call me immediately I will be unable to answer it pappa, I need you all the most now and an email reply from you whatever it is that you all want to say would give me strength, I love you pappa, mamma and sister, please remember I am the same daughter you have and the same didi you have my little sister, there is just this one thing that you need to accept about me…

Love, Bubbly

All names in this post are pseudonyms

Stunned, I gulped down the food. I assumed my friend expected a strong reaction out of me, instead. But I simply said: “Gimme sometime to digest this!” (I guess I got too carried away by the food.) We didn’t talk much after that for the whole evening.

That night, I slept over it. Then, realisation dawned. And I had things to say, not just to my close friend, but to all of you as well.

Many of us will, like I did, face a “coming out” situation – whether we’d like to face it or not. Perhaps a dear one coming out to us. Or even some of us coming out to our dear ones.

Here are my thoughts on how a heterosexual person should respond when someone comes out to them as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT).

This is all the more important in the Indian context since we know how unpleasant the scenario can be for LGBT people here in terms of social acceptance.

It probably hits you the hardest when the person coming out has been close to you for years, and you’ve been absolutely unaware of their sexual orientation all this while.

Man, that strikes like a bolt of lightning.

A volatile reaction is not unexpected. The surprise may even turn to ire. But this is the defining moment. Harsh reactions would certainly hamper the relationship between you two. If you value your friendship with this person, here are some points to keep in mind.

1. UNCHANGED
Sure you’ve been made privy to additional information about your friend, which you were previously unaware of. But why should his/her sexual orientation change anything that currently exists between you two? He/she is still the same person you’ve known all along.

We all have secrets. Not all secrets mask our personality, our humanity. The top ten things that made my friend my close friend didn’t have “sexual orientation” among them. So I guessed nothing was really going to change!

2. HONOUR
Out of everyone, if my friend chooses to tell me first, or even just tell me something that is so private to him/her, I would be honoured.

It’s a big step for your friend. For anybody to believe and trust in somebody else. So value that decision, and take it like the honour it is. They trusted you. Let’s not prove them wrong!

3. LISTEN
That which everybody should generally do more. And more so in this situation. Your friend is already going through a lot of internal turmoil and agitation. They just need someone to share their feelings with, to speak their heart out, obtain emotional support. So don’t bombard them with questions and your assumptions.

Listen.

If something worthwhile comes to your mind, speak out. Ideally, words that attempt to calm your friend. Words that will reassure your friend of your unconditional support. No big speeches, please.

4. GAY
Also means “happy”. So while you are doing all that listening, don’t sit like a zombie, emotionless, expressionless. You may not speak at that moment, but you can certainly respond through your expressions. Trust me, that’s a lot easier than finding the right kind of words to say!

Have feelings of happiness on your face. A smile, definitely. Laughter, no. Nod. Look into their eyes. That’s the most assuring. And if you are comfortable then, don’t forget to sign off with a warm hug. I think hugs make everybody happy, irrespective of their orientations.

(Also, try reacting a little less surprised or less happy for someone who breaks this news on Social Media. I’m still figuring out that part)

5. DISCREET
More than your friend is. Because, intentionally or unintentionally, it’s not your job to spread the word about your friend’s sexuality. Not unless your friend is OK with it, and the two of you have that understanding between each other. Either way, let’s not be the speakers for something that isn’t ours to tell, unless the situation compels it.

That’s all I have for now. But I would like to conclude with a few additional pointers.

a. If your friend is of the same sex as you, do not assume that your friend fancies you.

b. Please don’t ask silly questions.

c. This would be a good time to cultivate some general knowledge regarding the LGBT community. Know the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity.

d. Importantly, continue doing what you’ve been doing with your close friend – being friends with him/her.

e. And it’s never too late. You can still make up with your friend =)

Know you’ve found that special friend in your life, when you can share anything, absolutely anything, with that person. Please be that person to your LGBT friend(s).

Credits: An earlier version of this post appeared on Raveen’s blog. Orinam thanks his friend (the one who came out to him) for sharing it and Raveen for permission to adapt it for this site.

I’ve reached that stage where the heart does want what the heart wants, and the brain is tired of explaining. I’m at a stage where it has become too hard to explain; where I’m tired at the thought of even having to explain. I do understand your concerns, but the choice between life and death is simple. It’s life. It gets slightly more complicated when you need to kill a part of yourself in the hope to live a little, and that is where I am stuck. Sex change isn’t about the biology alone. It’s about everything that biology makes happen. Unfortunately, in our patriarchal society, we’ve grown conditioned with genders, and a million things revolve around it. If I were born as a girl, my life would have been fundamentally different right now. Good or bad? I can’t say. But different, yes. Frankly, I will never be able to explain this decision, and honestly I shouldn’t have to.

How I wish this was just about boobs and a vagina. How I wish this was just a six hour long ordeal in the hospital and a few months* on hormone replacement. How I wish I had the choice, the liberty to be, to just be. How I wish that my decisions did not have to be governed by society’s estimate of what’s a safe risk and how I wish I had the courage and the capability to do this a lot earlier in life. How I wish I did not have to reassure myself, and then many others, of the path I’m taking. The fact is that if I need to explain so much to everyone of what I intend to do with my body, it’s not only for their concern of me going on the wrong track but also for their concern of losing ‘Mayank’; a male entity in their life, and they would have absolutely no idea about how to deal with this. While I would transition biologically into something I have always wanted to be, people around me would not transition into having this new person in their life. Maya will have to rise from the ashes of Mayank, and that is a sad reality. Transition has a huge cost, and I’m not half as concerned about the financial costs of this decision. Transition comes at the risk of losing everyone and everything.

The other thing I’m warned about is falling into a debt trap. Here is my answer to it: I can be rich and successful at 30 but I can’t be a young girl at that age. The average age for gender reassignment is mid-life and I don’t want to spend the most beautiful years of my life in the state I am in right now: half alive and half dead. It might seem like a big deal, but it is a big deal for you. For me, it seems the most natural and obvious thing to be doing even if it means risking everything I currently have, for frankly, the dream to transition is all that keeps me going every day. If I kill that dream for another few years there will be no light I’d like to see. Justice delayed is justice denied, they say. This is justice for me. If I emerge victorious by the end of this battle I would have known my purpose of life and known I fulfilled it and if I’m able to inspire someone else, I would be happy that I even existed.

There is, however, a different kind of sadness that makes my chest heavy. The sadness of letting Mayank go. I’m not quite sure about how things will change, but things will change somewhat. It will be the end of an era and the beginning of something unknown. As of tonight, I have no plans at all on how to do it. I’ve thought about fundraising for it in part, and setting that as precedence for other trans people as a possible way to walk the road towards freedom. I’ve thought about the hassles of taking a predatory loan, and the vicious cycle of debt. I’m not sure how this is going to happen, but there are two things I am most certainly sure about.

One, I am not going to be ashamed of my male identity, it is and always will be an integral part of my lessons in growing up and two, I will be absolutely public about my battle against gender norms. It stopped being just about me a long time back and we’ve established that safely.

I remember when I came out, and everyone was extremely supportive. It started to change when I started talking about sex change, and when I wore a saree and posted a picture of me in that saree on social media. That changed quite a few minds. The unimaginable felt more real, and it felt more natural. It was as if, the saree was meant for me, and I was meant for it. It was the perfect amalgamation of my heart’s desires with what my body partially reflected. I was not even one bit scared or apprehensive about it. I was not even one bit concerned about what people on the streets would think. Not knowing the local language does surely help ignore anything. But I walked in pride and I knew that. I walked on the streets of an alien city knowing that isolation and separation from familiarity gave me an unprecedented space for walking with utmost freedom and confidence for I did not have to fear judgment or anticipate questions. I did not for perhaps the first time in my life have to think about what people will say, people I care about. The only thing that I had to worry about was if I pulled off that saree with the grace it deserve, and oh well, that waist did justice to it.

In my observations and limited understanding of life, I’ve come to value this infinite sense of freedom and self-reliance far more than any comfort that materialism can possibly offer. Surely a Mercedes makes it easier to complain about the grief of not being content with life, but nothing beats the empowerment that self-reliance bestows on you. I understand this is a crazy idea, but all great things started with a crazy idea. It’s now or never really for me. I’ve swum too close to the shore to succumb to a whirlwind of sadness in a violent ocean of melancholy. I refuse to give up or give in. In either case, there will be an end of me. I’d rather give my true self a real chance than live with the guilt of not having even tried.

Sex change, two words for you, story of my life. Whether it’s a happy ending or just an ending, I would have lived a life through it, even if I fail miserably; I would have lived for once. The brevity of this attempt will not matter, nor would the result for the joy of a true and genuine attempt at reaching the shore of that deserted island to start fresh from would offer me the solace that no amount of artificial comfort ever can. This is my farewell to 23 years of being, trying to be, pretending to be and for days to come, trying to give being a chance. It’s not easy saying goodbye to two decades of memories, some you remember and some remain forever. There are people, events and places that travel with you irrespective of the realms you transcend and that will always stay with me.

For now, if you ask me, how is this going to happen and when is this going to happen? Let’s just pretend I have a plan.

* Editors’ note: While some hormones for transgender women such as anti-androgens are stopped after orchidectomy (removal of the testes), estrogen therapy is generally lifelong, to reduce the risk of osteoporosis and other serious health issues. In practice, many trans* people do not have access to lifelong hormone therapy.

Chennai Freethinkers, a regional group of Nirmukta organized their annual ThinkFest on Feb 23rd this year. A panel discussion titled “Reason, Prejudice and the case for LGBT rights,” was organized as part of the ThinkFest, where Orinam members and friends participated.

In this video, Orinam volunteer Shambhavi talks about conventional family structures and how they don’t always make sense (beginning at 47 min 30 sec).

To watch the full video and read more about the ThinkFest visit Nirmukta website