May 3, 2023

To:
The Government of Tamil Nadu

Subject: MARRIAGE EQUALITY Report Summarising the Needs and Demands from the LGBTQIA+ Community in Tamil Nadu

Given the pendency of the marriage equality petitions before the Hon’ble Supreme Court of India, a meeting was conducted in Chennai on April 23, 2023, in which members of LGBTQIA+ groups such as Kattiyakkari, Nirangal Charitable Trust, Orinam, Queerbatore, SAATHII, Sahodaran, Tamil Nadu LGBTIQ Movement. Trans Community Kitchen (Chennai), Thozhi, and Trans Rights Now; and individual activists, lawyers, mental health professionals and academics were present. These groups and individuals are part of Tamil Nadu Rainbow Coalition, an informal network first established as the Chennai Rainbow Coalition in 2009 and subsequently expanded across the state.

An open discussion was had, and the following points are now being submitted to the Government of Tamil Nadu for its consideration, in the event states have an opportunity to make submissions before the Hon’ble Supreme Court.

• Introduction
• Marriage and its Benefits – Why does the LGBTQIA+ community require the social protection of marriage
• Can the existing personal laws be modified to include the LGBTQIA+ community?
• Notice Period Requirement in the Special Marriage Act
• A Step Forward in the the Future of Personal Laws – The Right to Chosen Family

1. INTRODUCTION:

1.1 The State of Tamil Nadu has granted legal recognition to the transgender community and has constituted a welfare board since 2008, six years prior the Supreme Court’s verdict in NALSA vs Union of India. In more recent times, the marriage between a transwoman and a man was held to be valid under the Hindu Marriage Act by the Hon’ble Madras High Court in Arun Kumar and others vs Inspector General of Registration and others. In the case of S. Sushma vs Commissioner of Police, the Hon’ble Madras High Court has examined the struggles faced by the members of the LGBTQIA+ community in detail, and has issued directions to various government authorities in order to ensure their protection and safety.

1.2 As a state that has historically recognised and supported members of the queer community both through policy reform, judicial pronouncements, and government directives and as a state that has brought about an amendment to the Hindu Marriage Act in the year 1968 to include suyamariyathai or seerthiruththa thirumanam (self-respect marriages) in the ambit of a Hindu marriage, Tamil Nadu’s position in this litigation should unequivocally be in support of marriage equality, and the rights of LGBTQIA+ individuals to be able to solemnise marriages irrespective of gender markers (M, F, T).

1.3 In the present batch of petitions before the Hon’ble Supreme Court of India (also referred to as “Marriage Equality Petitions” going forward) Tamil Nadu should support marriages both under the Special Marriage Act as well as under religious personal laws.

2. MARRIAGE AND ITS BENEFITS

2.1 Marriage is the most socially accepted social union between two adults. This has also been discussed in detail by the Petitioners in the Marriage Equality Petitions.

2.2 The State of Tamil Nadu also recognises this social protection given by marriage, and thus has marriage assistance schemes to assist daughters of poor parents, orphan girls, widows who remarry, widows daughter’s marriage and inter-caste married couples through the Dr. Dharmambal Ammaiyar Ninaivu Widow Remarriage Assistance Scheme, E.V.R. Maniammaiyar Ninaivu Marriage Assistance Scheme For Daughters Of Poor Widows, Annai Therasa Ninaivu Marriage Assistance Scheme For Orphan Girls, Dr. Muthulakshmi Reddy Ninaivu Inter-Caste Marriage Assistance Scheme.

2.3 An argument has been advanced by the Union Government that marriage is not necessary or important for the members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and that their fundamental rights are not denied because they are not able to get married. Restrictions within the existing matrimonial law framework were highlighted, and the submission of the Union Government can be condensed to – “They can exist in this country, but they cannot get married in the current legal framework, and this inability to get married is not a violation of their fundamental right”. This is an incorrect understanding of the law, and the requirements of this community. For a persecuted group who are more often than not asked to leave or are thrown out of their birth families and familial homes owing to the stigma associated with their existence, LGBTQIA+ individuals struggle to find their footing in society. They choose their families and they build their community. Living in as domestic partners does not stand on the same footing of marriage today. In the Hon’ble Supreme Court judgement of D.Velusamy vs D.Patchaiammal, it was held that even the protection under the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 was only available to couples who are in a live-in-relationship if their domestic relationship “is in the nature of marriage”.

2.4 Thus, for the Union Government to gate-keep this institution, which by its very laws and policies gives rise to various benefits, is tantamount to deliberately depriving the LGBTQIA+ community- an already vulnerable portion of Indian society of the rights and benefits available to heterosexual people.

2.5 The importance of marriage as a social institution that gives rise to benefits, responsibilities, duties, and oversight by the status cannot be replicated through any other form of living arrangement or domestic partnership both in the Indian legal framework as well as the Indian cultural context. A short and non-exhaustive list outlining the protection offered by marriage includes:

Protection offered through Marital Status

• Unless both or one of the individuals to the marriage want to dissolve their union, nobody else can do it. This aspect is invaluable to members of a community who are frequently deliberately separated by birth parents in order to prevent their relationship from proceeding further.
• It is easier to find accommodation in rental houses as a married couple, than it is as unmarried people in India right now. This is extremely useful to members of the LGBTQIA+ community who are more often than not asked to leave their birth families, unable to find permanent jobs as their education certificates and identity proof is not immediately available to them, and they have to move from one place to another in search of employment
• The benefits of opening a joint bank account, purchasing life insurance with nominees as a spouse will now extend to the LGBTQIA+ community.
• The ability to take health related decisions and be the nominee of their partner in the case of emergencies will now extend to the LGBTQIA+ community. Hospitals and health care professionals all require either blood relatives or spouses to sign off on life-saving treatments and surgeries, and at present, this crucial benefit is not available to members of the LGBTQIA+ community, many of whose members are separated and cut-off from their birth families who refuse to accept their choices and a community where members are also at risk of sexually transmitted illnesses.
• In addition to providing security during the life-time of a couple, marriage also grants benefits that can make it easier to navigate through the death of a spouse such as compassionate appointment, the right to receive mortal remains, and makes it easier to execute a will or obtain a legal heir certificate to carry out formalities after the spouse’s death.

3. CAN THE EXISTING PERSONAL LAWS BE MODIFIED TO INCLUDE THE LGBTQIA+ COMMUNITY?

3.1 The Hindu Marriage Act uses the terms “bride” and “groom”. The Special Marriage Act uses the terms “persons”, “parties”, and in the declaration uses the terms “husband and wife”. The Christian Marriage Act uses the terms “persons”. Removing the gender barrier in terminology can happen if the words bride, groom, husband, and wife are replaced by the words persons and spouses.

3.2 The list of prohibited relationships can be merged and make way for one comprehensive list so that the concerns of the legislature about inter-familial marriages are met.

3.3 The legal age to marry can be modified to become 18 – the age of majority. This is particularly important for LGBTQIA+ persons as parents who identify that their children are gender-nonconforming at an early age try to get their children married off as soon as possible.

4. NOTICE PERIOD REQUIREMENT IN THE SPECIAL MARRIAGE ACT

4.1 The existing framework in the Special Marriage Act involves a notice period requirement that is unconstitutional. Following the notice intending marriage, details of the people intending to marry will be publicly exhibited in their respective jurisdictions. This can have devastating consequences for LGBTQIA+ individuals who have fled from their birth families, and risk confinement, institutionalisation, forced conversions, and even honour killing. The 30 day objection period is also a cause for concern, as the word objection is not defined, and anybody can object. The notice period will place already vulnerable and persecuted individuals at grave risk, and will cause many hurdles in implementing marriage equality among members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

4.2 Thus, the Tamil Nadu government should support declaring Section 5 and 6 of the Special Marriage Act as unconstitutional. Any rights granted to the members of the LGBTQIA+ community with respect to marriage under the Special Marriage Act regime cannot be implemented when the notice period clause is still in force.

5. A STEP FORWARD IN THE FUTURE OF PERSONAL LAWS – THE RIGHT TO CHOSEN FAMILY

5.1 While the right of LGBTQIA+ individuals to marry can definitely improve the quality of life of queer individuals and is the right step forward, the future of the community can only be safeguarded when they have the right to choose their families. Unlike cis-heterosexual relations where familial bonds are strong and regulate social conduct and life, many members of the LGBTQIA+ community are forced to leave or are thrown out of their birth families and their native villages/ community.

5.2 Legal recognition to chosen families, by granting ration cards, identity proof in the same address, protection to couples forced to flee natal families, rights to parenting and custody, inheritance, rights of chosen family members to make medical decisions, insurance, and extending government incentives and schemes that are given to other families can greatly benefit the community.

5.3 In addition to this, any change in law or policy would be incomplete without adequate sensitivity training being given to law enforcement agencies and other departments who come in contact with LGBTQIA+ individuals when they are at their most vulnerable. Hence, sensitisation programs to police and prison authorities, district and state legal service authorities, judiciary as per the order of the Madras High Court dated 07-06-2021 in Sushma and another vs Commisioner of Police and others is the need of the hour. The State of Tamil Nadu can rest assured that the signatories to this note, and community leaders at the grassroots level will render any assistance required to facilitate these programs.

Thanking you,

Representatives of
Kattiyakkari, Nirangal Charitable Trust, Orinam, SAATHII, Sahodaran, Tamil Nadu LGBTIQ Movement. Thozhi, and Trans Rights Now; and individual activists

தமிழுக்கு இங்கே கிளிக் செய்யவும்

Image credits: Gokul

The following statement was released at the Press Meet held on Dec 3, 2019, at the Press Club, Chepauk, Chennai. The press meet was held concurrently with a postcard writing campaign addressed to the President of India, asking him not to give his assent to the Bill in its current form.

Click here for Tamil version of the Press Release.

Dec 3, 2019, Chennai:

We transgender community members, allies, and members of the Tamil Nadu Rainbow Coalition, a network of LGBTIQA+ groups, collectives and individuals in the state, express our profound dismay at the passing of the Transgender Rights Bill in the Rajya Sabha. The Bill, that was passed by the Rajya Sabha on Nov 26, 2019, is in gross violation of the Supreme Court of India’s NALSA verdict of 2014, and Articles of the constitution such as Article 21 (Right to Life and Liberty), Article 19(1a) (Right to freedom of speech and expression)

1. The primary violation of NALSA seen in the Transgender Bill 2019 is the principle of self-determination. Although the Transgender Bill 2019 does away with the Screening Committee, granting of transgender identity is based on approval of the District Magistrate who has discretionary powers to deny the application. Additionally, for a transgender person to identify as male or female, proof of surgery is required, which contradicts NALSA.

2. We take strong exception to the provision that the primary caregiver for transgender persons – even adults – should be the biological family, and the only alternative is government-provided rehabilitation facilities. There are two issues with this. One, the biological family is often the primary site of violence against transgender children, and trust in the biological family as primary caregiver is misplaced. Second, the Bill completely ignores alternative family structures within which transgender persons have the constitutional right to stay. An example is the traditional jamaat system that has provided shelter and support to transgender women for centuries. Other examples could be intimate partners, friends, etc.

3. The Bill does not contain any mention of reservations in education and employment for transgender persons. This is also in gross violation of the NALSA verdict.

4. Punishment for assault and other egregious offences against transgender persons is limited to a maximum of two years. This treats transgender persons as inferior citizens in comparison to cis women and children, crimes against whom merit more severe punishement. Additionally, clear operational definitions of stigma and discrimination are needed, to ensure that transgender persons are protected against these, and action is taken against offenders. We, additionally, needed an Act for Prevention of Atrocities against Transgender and Intersex Persons, on the lines of the SC/ST Atrocities Act.

5. The Bill confuses transgender and intersex. The Hindi translation of the Bill uses the term “Ubhayalingi” which means Intersex. While we ask that provisions for intersex persons be included in the Bill, we ask that transgender not be used interchangably with intersex. Most transgender persons do not have differences in sexual development (DSD).

6. Transgender identity cards that recognize the rights of individuals to identify within or outside the binary should be issued in all states, as is the practice in Kerala. These identity cards to encompass transmen, transwomen and third-gender individuals.

7. Transgender women should be brought within the ambit of ‘women’ in the Protection of Women from Domestic VIolence Act (2005), as has been recorgnised by the Oct 2019 ruling of a Delhi magisterial court.

8. Free gender-affirmation surgeries and hormone therapies should be made available across the country for trans men and trans women who need them.

Unless these changes are incorporated, we ask that the Transgender Rights Bill (2019) not be given Presidential assent.

The mixed-methods study was conducted in Chennai, Vellore, Salem, Thanjavur, Tirunelveli, Coimbatore, Trichy and Madurai. It consisted of focus groups with 61 participants, surveys of 371 participants,  eight in-depth interviews and 20 key informant in-depth interviews involving 16 government and private school teachers, two school principals and two officials of Tamil Nadu School Education Department.

Some key findings include:

” Forms of bullying varied according to grade levels – primary, middle/high school or higher secondary. Physical harassment was reported high among middle/high school (60%) and higher secondary (50%) students while sexual harassment was reported high when the participants were primary school students (43%).

“Only 18% said that they had reported incidents of bullying to school authorities, to which authorities responded as follows: 29% were asked to change their perceived feminine mannerism/behaviour to avoid being bullied and 49% were asked to ignore the incidents. Only 53%1 of those who had complained reported that authorities took action against the persons who bullied them.

” About one-third (33.2%) reported that bullying played a key role in discontinuing school. More than three-fifths (63%) reported lowered academic performance while 53% reported having skipped classes.” [Quotes are from the research brief available here]

The study concluded with recommendations for measures to prevent and mitigate bullying such as: monitoring bullying and implementing anti-bulling policies, raising awareness among students and training of teachers on diversity in gender and sexuality, establishing mechanisms of for confidential reporting of bullying, and providing supportive counselling services for survivors of bullying.

The study ‘Be a Buddy, Not a Bully! Experiences of Sexual and Gender Minority Youth in Tamil Nadu’ jointly published by UNESCO New Delhi and the Department of School Education, Government of Tamil Nadu, was released on June 11, 2019 at the Anna Centenary Library.  It was one of the events held in conjunction with Chennai Rainbow Pride 2019. The research brief is available here and the full text of the research study is available here.

Congratulations to Sahodaran and partner groups Thozhi and C-SHARP, and all community members, including research investigators,  who contributed to this important study.

The report states that the two young men consumed poison on March 2, unable to bear the taunts and harassment of peers who ridiculed their close friendship and ragged them based on this.  They were rushed to the Government Rajaji Hospital, Madurai, where one passed away four days ago, and one this morning.

While they are not alive to comment on the nature of their relationship, it seems clear that the ragging they faced was motivated by homophobia.

Three years ago, in 2016, the University Grants Commission published its 3rd Amendment of the Anti-Ragging Regulations. This amendment expressly prohibits ragging based on sexual orientation and gender identity (including transgender), among other factors. While most colleges and universities around the country display their anti-ragging regulations and even organise sessions on ragging during orientation for incoming batches, ignorance of this amendment –  and the vulnerability of gender-nonconforming, queer and trans students to ragging –  is pervasive (see Queerala’s study of colleges in Kerala).

Six months after the Navtej Singh Johar verdict, homophobia, lesbophobia and transphobia are alive and flourishing. They are reflected in statements by the police that same-gender relationships, though decriminalised, are against ‘our’ culture; in attempts by parents to separate their adult progeny who are in queer/trans relationships with their lovers and place them under house arrest (individuals in six such cases reached Orinam for support from Dec 2018 to February 2019); and in continuing violence faced by students in educational institutions, leading to hate crimes such as the Madurai suicides.

When will the prejudice and hate stop?

Notes:

• For crisis support and suicide hotline information, visit https://new2.orinam.net/resources-for/lgbt/crisis-support/
• For information on how educational institutions can be LGBTIQA+ inclusive, see https://new2.orinam.net/resources-for/educational-institutions/
• Thanks to Gokul for translation support.

On the evening of Friday, March 2, 2018, Coimbatore saw the public screening of ‘Ladies and Gentlewomen’, a Tamil documentary film. Directed by Malini Jeevarathnam and  produced by Pa. Ranjith’s Neelam Productions, ‘Ladies and Gentlewomen’ is the first effort in the history of Tamil cinema to break the silence around the dynamics and body politics of lesbian relationships, which are often socially stigmatised. Also screened were ‘En Aasai En Kanavu’ and ‘Won’t the Real Transformers please stand up?’, two short films on the lives of transmen and transwomen.

These screenings were organised by Queerbatore, a collective formed in 2015 by a few individuals who were part of the Orinam mailing list and network. Queerbatore is now an active WhatsApp group and offline space for people belonging to the LGBTQIA+ community who either live in Coimbatore or have a personal/professional association with the city.

The event commenced with a song rendered by Shyam, a volunteer of Queerbatore.

The song was followed by the screening of Malini’s film.

Post-screening, Vivek Kumaran gave an informative presentation on gender and sexuality to make the audience aware of LGBTQIA+ terminologies. Vivek also urged the audience to  be sensitive, respectful and accepting of persons with diverse identities and to address them by their preferred choice of pronouns.

This was followed by the panel discussion featuring Kalki Subramaniam, Selvam, Vinodhan,  Malini Jeevarathnam, Saurabh Masurkar, and Srijith Sundaram.

Representing the transwomen, transmen, intersex, lesbian, gay and ally communities, these panelists come from different walks of life. What they have in common is their extensive and passionate work for the welfare of the LGBTQIA+ community through their engagement with art, theatre, film, media, activism, advocacy and life.

The intention of this interaction between the panelists was primarily to make people within and outside the community aware of the diversity of identities that exist under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella. Kalki, Srijith, Malini, Selvam, Saurabh and Vinodhan passionately spoke of the challenges, breakthroughs and experiences in their personal and professional circles. The audience was also encouraged to accept whoever they feel they are and to live without the fear of anyone.

Most of all, this event was an Out and Loud call to people from all sections of the society to stand up and unite against oppression on the basis of sex, gender, caste, race, appearance, personal choices or, for that matter, violation of any human right. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

In the video excerpt below (courtesy Prasanth), Kalki speaks about gender stereotypes within the community, followed by a discussion with Srijith on queer history and intersectional activism.

Thanks to the Queerbatore volunteers who shared the images above.

From: Bhavishya A. Kalyanpur and Harini G.:

We are students of Pondicherry (Central) University, pursuing our Masters in Applied Psychology. As part of our Masters Dissertation, we are conducting a qualitative research on ‘understanding human sexuality’.

The available research so far has not completely accounted all the complexities of sexuality. Especially there is a necessity for increasing research pool to better understand alternate sexual orientations in order to stop as well as prevent the widespread discrimination surrounding it.

For this we need to interview participants from the lesbian, gay and bisexual communities to understand their life experiences and ensure that their experiences are empirically examined and accounted in building theories of human sexuality.

Therefore we request you to help us do this by participating in our research.

We are using the methods of focus group discussions and in-depth interviews for participants within the radius of Tamil Nadu and Pondicherry and online interviews and telephonic interviews for participants from outside this radius due to lack of time.

We would like male and female participants from lesbian, gay and bisexual orientations for our study. Those who are interested please contact us as soon as possible here, through mail.

The interviews will be with the consent of the participants and the time shall be fixed with the participants when they express their interest for participation in the study. All the data collected shall be kept confidential and all ethical considerations shall be met.

For more information on our methods, please click here.

We understand the value of participants’ time and would be honored if you would help us with our research.
For any information or queries or any specific details regarding our research, please do not hesitate to contact us through mail or through phone. Also please forward this mail to interested persons who are of lesbian, gay or bisexual orientations.

Please mail us at sexualfluidity14@gmail.com

THANK YOU

Thirunangai (transwoman) Sudha has been conferred an honorary doctorate, a lifetime achievement award, by the International Tamil University, USA, making her the first in the history of India’s trans* community to receive such an honour. She has been given this recognition for her consistent work towards development of the thirunangai community since 1993, and for expressing her views relating to the community’s rights and issues in all possible media. Sharing her feelings on this honour, Dr. Sudha said “I take this as the recognition given for the entire thirunangai community. My sincere thanks to Sahodaran, a CBO based in Chennai, and TAI-VHS, Chennai, for providing me the opportunities to work for my community.”

திருநங்கை சுதா அவர்களுக்கு அமெரிக்க உலக தமிழ் பல்கலைகழகம் முனைவர் பட்டம் வழங்கி சிறப்பு செய்து உள்ளது. இந்திய வரலாற்றிலேயே ஒரு திருநங்கை கௌரவ முனைவர் பட்டம் பெறுவது இதுவே முதல் முறை ஆகும். குறிப்பாக 1993-லிருந்து இன்று வரை திருநங்கைகளின் மேம்பாட்டிற்காக விடா முயற்சியுடன் தொடர்ந்து பணி செய்ததற்காகவும் திருநங்கைளின் உரிமைகள் மற்றும் பிரச்சனைகள் குறித்து தன்னுடைய கருத்துகளை பல ஊடகங்களில் தொடர்ந்து முன்வைத்ததற்காகவும் இந்த பட்டம் வழங்க பட்டுள்ளது. இது குறித்து Dr. சுதா அவர்கள் கூறுகையில், “இது எங்கள் ஒட்டுமொத்த திருநங்கை சமூகத்திற்கு கிடைத்த அங்கீகாரமாகவே நினைக்கிறன். எங்கள் சமூக மக்கள் மத்தியில் தொடர்ந்து பணி செய்ய வாய்ப்பு அளித்த சகோதரன் சமூக அமைப்பிற்கும் TAI_VHSக்கும் நன்றி தெரிவித்து கொள்கிறேன்.”

Watch Sudha in the primetime Sun News segment Vivaadha Neram on June 11, 2013. Even though Vivaadha Neram has featured thirunangais and gay men in previous episodes, this was the first time such a major Tamil-language channel (viewership in lakhs) had positive coverage of such a diverse spectrum of LGTB concerns, and featured transmen, gay and bi men and a transwoman together on a single show. Sudha played a key role in getting this TV panel discussion organised as part of ChennaiPride month 2013, and in ensuring visibility of transmen, gay and bisexual men in this programme.

மாற்றுப் பாலினத்தவருக்கான சட்ட,சமூக உரிமைகள் என்ன?

http://youtu.be/mAN8GDTzqb4

I’ll begin by quoting Jonathan Rodrigues who wrote this piece on suicide in The Hindu:

“Many teenagers die of failure of what I would call an ‘attempt to threaten suicide.’ Their main intention is to deliver a message or a threat demanding attention and love, but they eventually succumb to the tortures they force on their bodies. Suicidal behaviour whether attempted or threatened must be taken seriously and dealt with maturely. It should not be treated as taboo anymore. There is need for discussing the concept of suicide in schools and colleges.”

I come from Tuticorin, India. Growing up, I didn’t know of any gay people, let alone role models. I wasn’t out when I was in high school, but I got bullied for a host of other reasons. During my final years there, I felt lonely and aloof and  I sat through the day, imagining things to write about when I was at home. Computers were my escape from reality. I wrote about technology. I had a personal blog. I connected with tech enthusiasts from across the world. Although my life then was filled with purpose, I still felt alienated as I couldn’t find anyone like me in school. By the time I was done with high school, the awareness of my sexuality had existed in me for years and I was able to fully understand and accept my identity. I thought I was all set for the life ahead of me.

And then I moved out of my town to go to college. The first two years were fine. I made good friends along the way. Then, I fell in love with someone straight and that ripped my heart apart. That was my first real taste of rejection and it was painful emotionally and physically. At that age, love that isn’t reciprocal can make you want to kill yourself. I fell into depression in my last two years of college.

I thought I spent those years wandering around doing nothing, but in hindsight, I actually did a ton of things to put myself back together. I thought I’d share them with you, because you might find them useful when the going gets tough.

• I built a personal support system. I’ve never had trouble finding friends (despite my own bouts of loneliness in both high school and college). By the time I finished college, I was out to around 20 people, including my Dad. I did not plan on building such a circle, but it happened. I had a straight roommate who was also my 4 AM counselor. I had a classmate who was aware of my sexuality and offered reassuring advice when I needed it. Whenever I visited home, there was a childhood friend who stood by me. A lot of others were always there for me no matter what. I actually have a WhatsApp group for my best friends and that’s my go-to place for venting. I know it seems like overkill, and I am sure I’ve taken too much of their time, but truth be told, I wouldn’t have survived if they hadn’t listened to me. Trust me: you’ll also find people like them whose support is priceless.

• I jumped at every chance I got to socialize. Until college, I always kept to myself, and there’s nothing I enjoyed more than being alone and contemplating random things. But after my depression episode began, every time I got invited to hangout with my friends, I forced myself to go. I made sure I wasn’t alone and that helped me put off suicide. The idea is to surround yourself with people you love, and trick your brain from going down that road.

• I sought professional help. Though I tried everything I could, sometimes things went way out of control. I’d be depressed one day but feel deeply elated the next and I wondered if I was doing irreparable damage to my mental health. Just being with friends and leaning on them wasn’t enough, so I found an LGBT-friendly counselor in Chennai and sought her help. Although she didn’t have a magic wand, her advice helped and she connected me with organizations in the city that worked on LGBT issues.

• I read ‘It Gets Better.’ The book had real-life accounts of LGBT people from across the world. Granted, I’ve read a lot about queer issues online, but there’s something that stood out among the anecdotes in the book: ‘it doesn’t get better; you get stronger.’ I couldn’t agree more. I don’t think there was a huge change in public perception in India of LGBT issues; what changed was me. I’ve grown stronger. You’re might encounter homophobic laws like 377, but you’ll grow a thick skin and learn to deal with hate like I did. Just remember: what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger

(On a side note: if you’re a parent or a friend of someone who is constantly feeling suicidal, I urge you to read this piece from March 2013 that was published in The Hindu. The real reasons why people try to do what they do, are clearly laid out in this article. I also suggest reading this comic on depression by Hyperbole and a Half because that I am sure it will resonate with you).

Orinam editors’ note: This is one of a series of articles on Orinam that discuss living and coping with depression. Also see Pink Me’s essay No Matter What Happens, and Vinodhan’s essays Storms Without Warnings and Spells and Charms.  For readers who would like to learn more about coping with depression, a guide on mental health for LGBT people developed by Ireland’s Health Service Executive mental health project is available here. Additional resources are being developed by Orinam and will soon be available here.

Hearty congratulations to Living Smile Vidya on being awarded a scholarship by the Charles Wallace India Trust to pursue theatre in the UK.

Smiley is a writer, actor and artist who lives and works in Chennai. Her book  I am Vidya, published in Tamil, has been subsequently translated into English, Malayalam, Marathi and Kannada. She is also an accomplished actor, known for her work with Srijith Sundaram’s Kattiyakkaari production Molagapodi  as well as with other productions and directors. Her art work has won acclaim at both queer and mainstream exhibitions. She has also worked in Tamil and Malayalam movies as Assistant Director.

We also draw the attention of readers to her reflections on being a Dalit transwoman and feminist, in this excerpt of a conversation with Kaveri Karthik and Gee Ameena Suleiman in Bangalore.

Accepting this fact about our orientation is a tough choice. For a long time, I had chosen not to. All along, I had been playing around sexually, but not once had I given serious thought to who I actually was.  A choice that society almost always denies us. A choice we choose to ignore or deny to ourselves.  We choose not to create an identity. Instead, we are content with what identity is handed over to us by default.

Accepting who I was was not easy. For a long time, I chose to ignore serious introspection, and led a happy double life. I was always attracted to men, but was equally flirtatious with women in college. I was very sure that I wanted to get married, just to please my parents, and, by extension, the society at large. I even had a girlfriend back in college and a supposedly serious relationship with a girl when I entered the workforce. This was last year. We even discussed the idea of getting married and settling down in a tier two city of Tamil Nadu. Yes, my self-denial was serious.

However, even when I was with her, something kept nagging me. A puny childish voice inside me kept whimpering; trying hard to speak up, to scream out. A voice that I had kept contained for such a long time that it had almost gone silent. I was content with that. Or so I thought. Every single day, I kept denying who I was. A few times, I have even prayed to God to “correct me”. Scores of times, I have deactivated my profile on a gay chatroom, only to re-activate it again. But not once did I delete it, knowing full well I could not.

And then came a chance. A dream to study abroad.  It has been close to a year now since I moved out of India. A lot has changed in this year. I have put on some weight, lost some more. I have made some really good friends and visited two other countries. I broke up with my girlfriend from work, although we are still on talking terms. But more than anything, I have mustered up enough confidence – confidence to accept who I am; confident to say I am 100% gay, confident I will not get married to a girl and spoil another human’s life; confident to come out to a really close friend.

But this has not been easy. The past year has indeed been a learning lesson. I have learnt the value of being true to myself. And that has made me happy. More than anything, that has made me proud. True, the path ahead is going to be difficult. Coming out to my parents is going to be one tough job. But I don’t have to deny myself my reality.

My learning journey over this past year has, thankfully, not been a lonely one. I have gained a few good friends in the community who have transformed me; who have accepted me as one of their own. They have made me realize it is okay to be gay. Now, I am a content man.

True, I haven’t really told a lot of people who I am. True, I don’t have too many friends in the community (and I hope that changes). But atleast I am secure and proud in the knowledge of my sexuality.  True, coming out to others may be a really wonderful feeling, but accepting who we are is a lot more satisfying. Atleast to me, for now.

I dedicate this post to all the wonderful people who have made my journey possible.