Too far in the future: a transwoman’s thoughts on surgery
Over the last few months, I’ve been thinking seriously about surgery. Here’s the thing – I haven’t even begun hormones, so considering, or even thinking about surgery at this point, isn’t exactly productive or useful. But then, I suppose many trans people have to think of it at some point, and I have too.
I have always been afraid of needles, stitches, surgery and knives. Even as a kid. My clumsy flat-foot+awkward height made me fall quite often, needing stitches at least once in three months. Never have I had them. Just can’t. I’d ask the doctor to just put a bandaid or something, and I’d go home clutching wads of cotton to help stem the blood.
So. Surgery = big fear.
Secondly, unlike a lot of other transwomen, I do not have a particularly hateful relationship with my penis. I’ve been ashamed of it, yes. I’ve considered alternate realities where I was me, without the penis. I’ve fantasized a lot of having a vagina and being able to “receive sex”, as one transwoman I spoke to put it.
TMI maybe, but my penis is really really small. I’ve never had a bulge, despite the tightest trousers I’ve worn. I know some people hate that term, but as the porn-industry puts it, I think of my penis as a large clit.
Thirdly, right now my orientation is pretty queer. In that, as a woman, I like and am attracted to other women (cis, trans, gender-fluid or sexually fluid – all equally). And therefore, I’m not particularly sure that I would need a vagina to please my eventual partner (obviously a big assumption.) Also, while I admit I have zero experience in this matter, receiving anal stimulation/anal sex is about as erotic and fulfilling to me as receiving vaginal sex.
Plus, sex toys = amazing.
This year has been brilliant for me. I’ve come out to a lot of my friends, have managed to overcome some serious depression, and have found some amount of peace. This has helped me learn, explore and define my gender and politics a lot. I think I am gender fluid. I am transgender. I would like a female body (as that would give me greater personal happiness) but this does not require me to undergo any sexual reassignment/gender-affirming surgery.
In the back of all this is also one teen-early adulthood desire to be a trans-porn actress. Right.
Given all this, I think surgery may not be what I most desire. Hormones, absolutely. Every day I have to shave, every day I am perceived as a man is hurtful. Every day I look at myself and see a man in the mirror is debilitating.
I cannot wait to be seen as a woman.
However, I do think there is value in surgery for aesthetic reasons. For one, there are a bunch of scars on my face which I don’t like at all. I would like to lose them. There are also varicose veins and badly healed burns on my leg – the veins probably a result of Klinefelter’s syndrome, the burns because of a road accident – that I’d rather not have at all. So cosmetic surgery = yay.
I don’t think I want breast implants. For one – I already have a bit of boobage. Secondly, delicious estradiol/ estrogen is going to give me sufficient growth, I think. But, if I – at a future point – decide I need larger breasts, I have no compunctions getting implants.
I think my, um, balls are ugly. They perhaps give me the most pain, and are quite hard to tuck away. So for that, and that reason alone, will I consider having surgery. It’s more a question of aesthetics and comfort than sex/gender confirmation.
I think I wouldn’t mind having both a “penis/clit” and a vagina.
Does this make me less of a woman? Does this make my experiences as a trans person less authentic?
I don’t give a f*ck.
Dear Nadika,
I’m just revealing the possibility that you might be a ‘non-op transgender woman’. Look it up if you don’t already know.
And I love that “I-don’t-give-a-f**k” attitude honey because at the end of the day, few people will actually cry with you.
Best regards,
Hdaran
Thank you! I do know of the term pre-op Tg. While it may be a good descriptor, I don’t think it fully covers my experience/my identity.
I think I prefer the term Bi-gender. I am Bi-gender, pan-sexual, demi-romantic and pretty queer.
But Nadika, you are aware that a bi-gender person actually likes being male too. You did, in your story, to a certain level, express discomfort and I quote you;
“Every day I have to shave, every day I am perceived as a man is hurtful. Every day I look at myself and see a man in the mirror is debilitating. I cannot wait to be seen as a woman.”
And I am in no way inferring that you have disdain for your penis/clit, rather I am saying that being bi-gender means wanting/desiring both male and female traits in a body. I should know, I consider myself gender-fluid. I take pride in my beard, my body hair and my manhood (excuse me for being forward), but honey, I can’t live without my false eyelashes, my eyeliner, and my mascara too! I have boobies and wide hips that I am proud of and sometimes flaunt AND I like that attractive male sexuality that my beard and body hair gives me. Try “Google”-ing Rupaul Charles if you don’t already know him/her. He/she is the epitome of gender fluidity.
One more thing that somehow tells me that you may not know what I am actually talking about is the fact that you used the term “PRE-op” whereas I used the term “NON-op”. There’s a difference. A PRE-op transwoman is a person who would eventually take that final step of going under the knife whenever and if ever she chooses to. But a non-op transwoman is a one who has, for whatever reasons, chosen NOT to undergo the reassignment surgery (I hate using the prefix gender or sex with reassignment surgery). Being a non-op transwoman makes you NOT one bit lesser than the glorious woman you are!!! I can very well see that you own that!
And at the end of the day, this is merely me, passing on some knowledge that I have, to you. When I sat down and decided to figure out who I am, I had to read for hours and hours, circling a point and getting stumped over and over again. I am just trying to help you out with the little that I know. Not implying that you need any help though.
I apologise if I used strong language, derogatory terms or seem just plain stupid or standoff-ish. That was never my intention.
You be whoever the f**k you wanna be darling!
And please keep writing!
I enjoyed it immensely.
PS: Look up Carmen Carrera too. She is a-MAH-zing!!! Her story might just inspired you!
By the way, pansexual refers to sexuality not gender identity, pansexual means sexual attraction towards all types of genders (male, female, and anything in between). Queer is an umbrella term for everything non-binary including both, gender identity and sexual attraction.
What a lovely piece! I really like it that Orinam is such a nice place for such honest writing.
Thank you Valan!